Getting OH to propose - and think it's his idea!

Jo_R_2

Spendless wrote: »

Mrs ryan- I agree with your mum (and all the other posters)!

Jo- did you ask your oh?

I made a lighthearted comment in a text this morning which completely escaped him, decided not to press the issue as I know he'd ask in a teasing way why I was so bothered about how to get a man to propose!

CFC

Why men don't propose:

a) they're lazy-they'll get round to it 'one day'
b) they see no reason to change the status quo
c) they're already in a position that's good for them
d) they think the whole marraige thing is a waste of money
e) they've not decided that it's YOU that's gonna be the one
f) they wish to evade responsibility
g) they like to feel in control and knowing that you have power over somebody else's happiness is ultimate control, they enjoy the power
h) they want to escape from the relationship if something better comes along, so they do not want to be committed.

Pick and mix from this list, most innocuous reasons at the top. Feel free to add any more reasons you can think of.

Don't get it wrong, if you want to get married, any man with half a brain cell knows it. If they're not asking you need to work out the reason and then apply the appropriate stimulus. Honestly, none of them are avoiding the question because they don't think it's important to you or because they don't know how to ask.

If you're not willing to go the whole hog, ie exiting the situation if you don't get what you want, then you need to accept that you may not be able to make it happen and you need to come to terms with the fact you do not have the balance of power in this relationship.

I firmly think that before marriage if a female doesn't hold the balance of power, they're not in a good place, because before you're married the male should still be in the 'acquisition/hunting' stage.

Jo_R_2

I think for OH I could possibly add:

g) He's not 100% sure if I actually want to get married or not
h) He's p*ssed off because he found out I wanted to keep my name if I ever got married
i) A lot has gone on recently in changing his life and whilst he's okay with what's happened, he doesn't want to add at the moment to the cascade of events
j) He thinks a proposal should be a tip top event, special in itself, he's asked me what I would like to happen if I got that proposal and I told him and he said he'd have to plan something so it worke dout as amazing as it should be.

Anyone else for their OH?:D

Tigerlee_2

Mrs Ryan- I agree with the others. I would refuse to wear the ring. Take it off and let someone far better chat you up! Your OH sounds a bit too controlling! Your still young don't waste your youth with someone who doesn't appriciate you. Sorry don't mean this to sound harsh. Take care. x

skintchick

Jo_R wrote: »

I think for OH I could possibly add:

g) He's not 100% sure if I actually want to get married or not
h) He's p*ssed off because he found out I wanted to keep my name if I ever got married
i) A lot has gone on recently in changing his life and whilst he's okay with what's happened, he doesn't want to add at the moment to the cascade of events
j) He thinks a proposal should be a tip top event, special in itself, he's asked me what I would like to happen if I got that proposal and I told him and he said he'd have to plan something so it worke dout as amazing as it should be.

Anyone else for their OH?:D

Jo
So was mine. In the end I took his name as it really was so important to him. I kept my title as Ms though, but I have to say that six months down the line it doesn;t seem so important for some reason! :rolleyes:

Maybe you could hint that you might not be as set in stone on that as he thinks? It was so vital to my OH that I gave in - usually I get my way on things so I felt perhaps he should have some say!

As for j) my Oh felt the same way but I said to him 'to me it will be special because it will be you asking me to marry you and what could be more special than that? I don;t care if you do it in front of Eastenders'. He then did it on a trip to paris, bless him.

I think too much is made of the proposal - I only know what I was wearing that night cos we have a photo! Honestly, I don;t think that much about it, nor even the wedding day although it was lovely, because teh actual day to day being together is so much more important (we didn;t live together beforehand so it was a very big change for us).

But you do have to let them do it when they want to, as well. Let them have some control cos once the wedding planning starts they will be lucky to get to choose anything! :rotfl:

Jo_R_2

skintchick wrote: »

Jo
So was mine. In the end I took his name as it really was so important to him. I kept my title as Ms though, but I have to say that six months down the line it doesn;t seem so important for some reason! :rolleyes:

Maybe you could hint that you might not be as set in stone on that as he thinks? It was so vital to my OH that I gave in - usually I get my way on things so I felt perhaps he should have some say!

As for j) my Oh felt the same way but I said to him 'to me it will be special because it will be you asking me to marry you and what could be more special than that? I don;t care if you do it in front of Eastenders'. He then did it on a trip to paris, bless him.

I think too much is made of the proposal - I only know what I was wearing that night cos we have a photo! Honestly, I don;t think that much about it, nor even the wedding day although it was lovely, because teh actual day to day being together is so much more important (we didn;t live together beforehand so it was a very big change for us).

But you do have to let them do it when they want to, as well. Let them have some control cos once the wedding planning starts they will be lucky to get to choose anything! :rotfl:

There's a whole separate thread somewhere about names, luckily we seem to have come to a compromise on the baby's surname so that's good, just leaves the 'what if' issue of if we got married!

When he asked about my idea of a proposal (and it was him that asked, off his own back, I didn't have anything to do with it!) I wasn't very specific, I just said I'd like it to be a surprise. I don't think it has to be some magnificent gesture; like you say skinty, it's because it's him that would be asking me that makes it special anyway.

briggers_3

I know just how you feel. I'm getting annoyed because I look at other couples who got engaged within a year of meeting and then i start to think that obviously my man' not as sure about me as my friends' fellas were about their girlfriends; our relationship isn't as good......
In fact, i'm thinking of ending the relationship (after two years together and six months of that living together) and the whole future, marriage, babies etc is a major reason for feeling like breaking up.
I see your point of view, skintchick. I told him that i didn't want to live with him without a commitment first. It was embarrassing! I thought he got the hint and wouldn't keep me waiting long. Looks like i was wrong there. We've been on some amazing trips etc. - things that would have given him the perfect opp to pop the question if he wanted to....
the other thing is, we talked about it a lot more in the early days. It doesn't surprise me that couples get engaged after a matter of months. Its when time goes on and the going gets tougher that it's a braver decision to make. Or in my case, that it gets harder to talk about.
A friend at work was notoriously desperate for her fella to propose, after six years. She became a running joke for the entire circle at work. He finally propsed after much pressure and tears etc. I hate that i feel like I'm becoming this figure of fun now! Can't bear to have people ask, 'what about you?" I just smile but I am dying to say 'whay are you asking ME??!?!? I obviously have no control!!'
I'm getting angry and confused and that's why I think it might be time to call it a day xxxxx

skintchick

briggers wrote: »

I know just how you feel. I'm getting annoyed because I look at other couples who got engaged within a year of meeting and then i start to think that obviously my man' not as sure about me as my friends' fellas were about their girlfriends; our relationship isn't as good......
In fact, i'm thinking of ending the relationship (after two years together and six months of that living together) and the whole future, marriage, babies etc is a major reason for feeling like breaking up.
I see your point of view, skintchick. I told him that i didn't want to live with him without a commitment first. It was embarrassing! I thought he got the hint and wouldn't keep me waiting long. Looks like i was wrong there. We've been on some amazing trips etc. - things that would have given him the perfect opp to pop the question if he wanted to....
the other thing is, we talked about it a lot more in the early days. It doesn't surprise me that couples get engaged after a matter of months. Its when time goes on and the going gets tougher that it's a braver decision to make. Or in my case, that it gets harder to talk about.
A friend at work was notoriously desperate for her fella to propose, after six years. She became a running joke for the entire circle at work. He finally propsed after much pressure and tears etc. I hate that i feel like I'm becoming this figure of fun now! Can't bear to have people ask, 'what about you?" I just smile but I am dying to say 'whay are you asking ME??!?!? I obviously have no control!!'
I'm getting angry and confused and that's why I think it might be time to call it a day xxxxx

But you moved in with him! So he thinks you didn;t mean it, or that you have what you want, and he certainly has what he wants so why would he propose now?

If you say something you have to stick to it. I wouldn;t end it, but I'd move out. I'd tell him again I want marriage before living together and that you feel moving in was a mistake, without a commitment. Then move out and carry on dating and wait.

If after six months you havent had the proposal, then I might end it. Hard though, I know.

briggers_3

Yeah, it's my house though so i'd have to ask him to move out rather than leave myself. I guess i didn't stick to my guns becasue of practical reasons, money etc. AS WELL AS OPTIMISM!
:rotfl:
We're thinking of moving next year. I've already told him that I'll be living with my sister and he will have to find his own place.
He was so startled!
(I was loving it! I feel like I'd be just as happy not to live with him any more anyway.)
It's confusing for me because it's no longer my sole aim to get a proposal. I feel like the lack of one has soured the relationship now and left me doubting whether i want to be with him anyway....
thanks for the reply! xx

Mrs_Ryan

Hi everyone,

thanks so much for all your comments. I've had a really bad cold so I've been in bed for the last day or so - what a way to spend my days off!!!

OH and me have had several long conversations about this and we've called a truce. He was quite taken aback when I confronted him about his behaviour and said he had no idea that his behaviour was causing me so much pain. (He often has little perception on what he is doing) he told me to take the ring off immediately and not to attempt to put it back on. He has said that he trusts me enough to be able to say no if anyone else did chat me up so there's no reason to wear it.
He has said he does want to marry me - just not yet. My mum said that I should leave him and come home but she likes to remind me that I will be 30 soon and am still not married - that's classed as failure in our family!! As she likes to tell everyone, my older sister (who can do no wrong in her eyes) was married at 21 to a bank manager. Gah. Im not her though - and I've already been engaged three times!
He's also said that he is quite prepared to put my name on the deeds after we get married - I've taken his surname already by deed poll (double-barrelled it with my own name) and he isnt sure where I got the idea that he didnt want me having my name on the deeds after we're married. he said before we're married, he's not going to put my name on but I dont care about that.
But he's being incredibly loving and nice now - he cant apologise enough. It's still a tentative truce though - I've warned him if he steps out of line like that again Im going, no questions asked. I've looked up jobs back home and there are loads for what I do - so I wouldnt have any hesitations in going straight back.
Thanks so much everyone for your support - much appreciated!