Getting OH to propose - and think it's his idea!

secretspender_2

I've been with my OH for 18 months now and I'm about to move back in with him. I've talked about it and thrown strops (I'm 26 this year and he is two years younger so he says he is too young) so I feel like the odd one out with my friends as they are all planning weddings etc.
But then I think, do I actually want to get married? I'm not religious and I cant see me doing it other than wearing a pretty dress and being the centre of attention all day, which is completely the wrong attidude. Also I dont speak to my parents or my family so my side of the church would be empty!!

I think if you have to pressurise your fella to marry you, then there are obviously problems. Why not enjoy what you have? 'Good things come to those who wait!'

roxalana

secretspender whilst I agree that waiting without pestering is probably a good idea, it can be a bit difficult if you have been waiting for many years!

I agree that getting engaged after only 18 months together unless you would plan a long engagement seems a little early to me and at that point in our relationship I probably would have said the same as you.

However, I don't think many people anticipate still waiting after an additional 7 years!

Dinah93

18 months actually seems quite a long time to me, my parents were engaged on their 3 month anniversary, and married within a year, this was in the early 80s so not exactly way back in history! They're still together 29 years on, and one of the happiest, most loving couples I know. I firmly believe that when you meet the right person, you know it, and what is to be gained in waiting if you are certain you're with the right person.

secretspender_2

I dont want to get engaged at the moment as marriage to me means nothing

But wouldn't you rather a proposal was romantic and spontaneous and a surprise? rather than it to be staged and expected and forced onto your bloke because its right for you?

svjenni

maybe that's true but I also think it depends on the age of the people, and every situation is different

Yes I think the time is right for me but as live with my other half I honestly don't think it would have crossed his mind seriously if i hadn't dropped a few hnts.

I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him and him me but his older brother has a child with a long term partner that i don't think he has any intention of marrying and I wanted my OH to know that I wouldn't be happy with that situation.

Unfortunatly things aren't like they used to be and marriage often isn't seen as something you need to bother with, whilst pressuring for a proposal isn't great its better than waiting for years for something thats not gonna happen.

I think if my OH had said he wasn't ready or showed a strong aversion to marriage it woud have opened up some lines of communication for us - i'm not the type to throw a wobbly but i didn't know how to broach the subject - a few ohhh thats a nice ring and i'd love someone to buy me a diamond has pushed us in a nice direction...

..now i'm getting all excited - asked if we were gonna go out to our favourite restaurant this weekend but we aren't allowed to go cos the time isn't special enough....

Jo_R_2

Dinah93 wrote: »

If he was that traditional he'd have asked you to marry him a while ago, certainly when you realised you were going to have his child, he can't ask that it has his surname now, smacks a bit of having his cake and eating it too! I agree thoroughly with you, the baby should have your surname. Even if he proposed, you wouldn't have to start planning the wedding right away, you could pencil in you would do it in 2 years or something, and have a long, romantic engagement.

You know what - I never thought of it like that!

Must admit it is frustrating... I do want to get married. I don't want to do the asking. It doesn't have to be right now. I know OH has thought about it. I know he would want to do the asking. I know from what he said the other day it more than likely isn't the number one priority on his mind right now, understandably

And I know that I don't want a 'forced' proposal. If he proposes, I want it to be because he's thought about it himself, and he wants to do it himself. I don't know what effect me saying some of the things I have has had on him (such as baby having my surname, unless we decide to get married when we can revise that), and I must admit that at the back of my mind, when I've been saying this, I *have* been half-hoping he might say, well will you marry me then? But again, I want him to say that because he wants to, not because of some other reason that leads us there if that makes sense?

So I've put it to the back of my mind, as much as I can. I can think about it later if a lot fo time goes past but being honest, I'm not unhappy at not being married, I just think it would be the icing on the cake so I can't really complain!

briggers_3

svjenni wrote: »

maybe that's true but I also think it depends on the age of the people, and every situation is different

Yes I think the time is right for me but as live with my other half I honestly don't think it would have crossed his mind seriously if i hadn't dropped a few hnts.

I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him and him me but his older brother has a child with a long term partner that i don't think he has any intention of marrying and I wanted my OH to know that I wouldn't be happy with that situation.

Unfortunatly things aren't like they used to be and marriage often isn't seen as something you need to bother with, whilst pressuring for a proposal isn't great its better than waiting for years for something thats not gonna happen.

I think if my OH had said he wasn't ready or showed a strong aversion to marriage it woud have opened up some lines of communication for us - i'm not the type to throw a wobbly but i didn't know how to broach the subject - a few ohhh thats a nice ring and i'd love someone to buy me a diamond has pushed us in a nice direction...

..now i'm getting all excited - asked if we were gonna go out to our favourite restaurant this weekend but we aren't allowed to go cos the time isn't special enough....

couldn't agree more. Great post. I thought I wouldn't be the type to think about steering my OH anywhere. But now I know I sure don't want to start the steering after many years together, ie. too late! Like you, svjeeni, it was all systems go from my boyfriend for the first year or so. Then it dwindled away to nothing. With reservations, I did let him move in - maybe he got too comfy! anyway, we're living apart now and he was gutted at that. But he is making a hell more of an effort and we have dates. Why should I put up with picking up dirty socks at the courtship stage?. ha ha! as Beyonce says if he like the thing he shoulda put a ring on it

skintchick

roxalana wrote: »

secretspender whilst I agree that waiting without pestering is probably a good idea, it can be a bit difficult if you have been waiting for many years!

I agree that getting engaged after only 18 months together unless you would plan a long engagement seems a little early to me and at that point in our relationship I probably would have said the same as you.

However, I don't think many people anticipate still waiting after an additional 7 years!

I was engaged after 9 months and married after 19 months! But we'd known each other ten years as mates.

Neeny82

My OH was with his previous partner for 9 years. By all accounts they had a good relationship whilst together and parted on good terms. He is a typical lads lad and I think all the talk of his friends settling down just made him realise that if he hadn't popped the question by then, would he ever? At this point he was nearing 30. And was the relationship really right for them.

This was not the reason they parted - the relationship just came to amicable end.

I met my OH when neither of us were wanting to be in a relationship - we lived over 100 miles away from each other and by all accounts were very happy being single. In actual fact I actively discouraged myself from seeing him that often at first.

However 4 months later he was asking me to move, 18 months later I did, on that day I got a proposal completely out of the blue and now 3 years later we are getting married this summer.

I'm not trying to big myself up and put anyone elses dreams down but that is what happened with us, it took me completely by surprise and obviously we have problems sometimes like every other couple.

I am set to marry someone who had never thought he would want to make that committment to anyone. I didn't actually know until then that I would want to get married as it wasn't really on my radar. Obviously sometimes this realisation does not always happen at the time when we may want it to. Perhaps for the people who feel strongly that they want to marry, and their OH is stalling, perhaps it is time to really think about what you want from that other person and your lives together - if those dreams are different then you should decide whether or not that person is the correct person for you to be with. We only get one life! I'd rather regret something I did do that something I didn't.

x x x

Jo_R_2

Neeny82 wrote: »

My OH was with his previous partner for 9 years. By all accounts they had a good relationship whilst together and parted on good terms. He is a typical lads lad and I think all the talk of his friends settling down just made him realise that if he hadn't popped the question by then, would he ever? At this point he was nearing 30. And was the relationship really right for them.

This was not the reason they parted - the relationship just came to amicable end.

I met my OH when neither of us were wanting to be in a relationship - we lived over 100 miles away from each other and by all accounts were very happy being single. In actual fact I actively discouraged myself from seeing him that often at first.

However 4 months later he was asking me to move, 18 months later I did, on that day I got a proposal completely out of the blue and now 3 years later we are getting married this summer.

I'm not trying to big myself up and put anyone elses dreams down but that is what happened with us, it took me completely by surprise and obviously we have problems sometimes like every other couple.

I am set to marry someone who had never thought he would want to make that committment to anyone. I didn't actually know until then that I would want to get married as it wasn't really on my radar. Obviously sometimes this realisation does not always happen at the time when we may want it to. Perhaps for the people who feel strongly that they want to marry, and their OH is stalling, perhaps it is time to really think about what you want from that other person and your lives together - if those dreams are different then you should decide whether or not that person is the correct person for you to be with. We only get one life! I'd rather regret something I did do that something I didn't.

x x x

I wasn't sure whether to include myself in this as I wouldn't say my OH is 'stalling'.. or maybe he is! Interestingly although I did make it very clear at the start of our relationship I was looking for something serious and committed (with regard to having two DDs from a previous relationship), it wasn't immediately I realised I did want to get married either. Being truthful, it was OH who mentioned it at first: talked about buying me a ring to show his commitment (which he did, I wear on my right hand), then have had many conversations instigated by him about getting engaged/married, when it would happen, how he would propose... Whether it was significant or not that this was mostly all from before we found out we were having a baby I don't know...

As it stands now we've been together about 20 months. I know marriage figures in his plans, as it does mine, but IMO stepping away from things, it's not *that* long a time in the scheme of things. Getting married is a massive thing, let alone having a child, and obviously I've been there and done the whole having children thing, so for me it's a manageable situation to look at us having a baby and getting married.

For OH, this is his first baby, and although he's ever the expectant proud dad:D, I know it is a massive thing for him. Does kinda throw 'traditional' out of the window for him, with regard to having a baby before marriage, but just because *I* think it would have been doable, doesn't mean he should think the same!

I'd be lying if I said I hadn't had romantic visions of him proposing whilst I was pregnant, a rushed wedding before baby arrived, or at least plans for a wedding further down the line, but I know that's me not having done things the 'right' way round with having my DDs. Again, I can't be mad at him for not having 'my' feelings.

Thing is, I'm not sure how I handle this now. It *still* comes up regularly, sometimes I'm quite serious about it, other times we joke, but it's so hard because I'm not sure what to say or not say because I don't want to push things, nor though do I want him to think I'm not bothered... I'm quite aware that already expecting a baby and living together, I haven't done it at all the right way round again anyway :rolleyes: so I don't know what that says to him.

What I DO know at the moment is what he said the other day, that marriage is just too much to think about right now with everything else that's happening, so I need to deal with that first myself... Any advice?

I should also add I am very pregnant and hormonal and I know this is making me think about things far too much!