Getting OH to propose - and think it's his idea!

Neeny82

I would also say that while a marriage does not always last forever (although hopefully it will) I feel that there is no bigger committment than having a child together.

You could marry someone, get divorced and never have to see that person again! However once you have brought a child into the world you are forever linked by that person! (even if you don't want to be anymore!)

I think that marriage is a lovely committment to make to someone, however I think that a relationship can be just as fulfilling and loving even if you decide never to marry. It's a very personal desire and hopefully the person who you are with shares the same views! (in an ideal world)

However what I would say is that I have some frinds who are very anti marriage, yet have what I view to be very healty loving relationships, while some of my married friends are not as fulfilled as they thought they would be.

Any relationship takes a lot of work - wedding or no wedding - marriage doesn't necessarily mean happily ever after which is where a couple of my pals went wrong I feel.

Jo R, You seem really happy with your partner and looking forward to your new baby! It all must be such an exciting time for you! Like you said though, 20 months, could be seen as still early days (damn you bet your still in honeymoon phase!) It seems that your partner shares the same views as you on marriage - he probably just wants everything to be perfect and to surprise you when you least expect it!!!!!

Jo_R_2

Oh I absolutely agree - having a child is the biggest commitment there is to me.

I also agree that relationship can be just as fulfilling without marriage. I felt like this for years; for as long as I can remember up until the midst of my current relationship I was either completely anti-marriage, or just not bothered. However now I feel differently, for a number of reasons, and one of those is something you touched upon - I feel OH is someone I want to spend the rest fo my life with. I've never felt like that before about someone, and the clincher is that I feel that I would be happy to work at it. I know it's not a licence for happily ever after in and of itself to be married... The difference with OH is that I want to marry him because I want us to have that commitment and I can see us spending our lives together, for better or for worse...

He did mention again today actually that he would like to get married, but when we're a 'bit more settled' which is basically what I already knew. That's fine by me, I just need to know that it's out there and we're on the same wavelength. I did say I didn't want it twenty years down the line though!

hayley11

You know reading some of the posts in this thread have surprised/shocked me. I'm not judging/slagging anybody off, we're all different after all but I can't believe that some people wouldn't move in with somebody until they were engaged...it seems so old fashioned! Again, not judging, I just didn't think people in this day and age were that traditional.

I have been married, we got engaged after 6 months, moved in together later that year (but we would have moved in first but the house was held up) We got married 3 years after getting together and we broke up 2 months after the wedding. I think the fact that we were engaged and planning a wedding meant it was harder for us to split up. Obviously you'd think actually being married would make it even harder but apparantly not :rotfl:

I am now with somebody else and have been with him 2 and a half years, I moved in with him about 5 months after we started seeing each other. We're not engaged and as far as I know have no plans to be any time soon. We've talked about getting married loads and we will get married one day but there's no rush. We're very happy as we are so we don't need to get married. If he did propose I would of course say yes but I don't mind waiting, I think because I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him, means I don't have to worry about getting married, I don't need it to prove anything or make our relationship stronger, if that makes any sense?

OP - I can understand you wanting to get married though, I want to be married before we have children. I would hate to have a different surname to my child. Maybe you could say that you understand that he wants to be settled before you get married....but that doesn't mean you can't get engaged?

skintchick

hayley11 wrote: »

You know reading some of the posts in this thread have surprised/shocked me. I'm not judging/slagging anybody off, we're all different after all but I can't believe that some people wouldn't move in with somebody until they were engaged...it seems so old fashioned! Again, not judging, I just didn't think people in this day and age were that traditional.

For me and OH, it wasn't about wanting to be traditional or old-fashioned (for someone who isn't judging that's a very judgmental phrase!) but about wanting to do it the right way round and be right with God. I wanted living together to be something special and I wanted the marriage to be the start of that, rather than an afterthought, which is what it clearly can become if you live together first as shown my so many of the posts on here - life gets in the way and people can't 'see the point' as they are already 'effectively married'.

For us, the point was we were making a lifelong commitment to each other and starting a new life together, and therefore we needed to live singly until we made that commitment, from which point on we would be together in the same house.

I think you've missed the point if you think people do it that way round because of a desire to be traditional.

hayley11

skintchick wrote: »

For me and OH, it wasn't about wanting to be traditional or old-fashioned (for someone who isn't judging that's a very judgmental phrase!) but about wanting to do it the right way round and be right with God. I wanted living together to be something special and I wanted the marriage to be the start of that, rather than an afterthought, which is what it clearly can become if you live together first as shown my so many of the posts on here - life gets in the way and people can't 'see the point' as they are already 'effectively married'.

For us, the point was we were making a lifelong commitment to each other and starting a new life together, and therefore we needed to live singly until we made that commitment, from which point on we would be together in the same house.

I think you've missed the point if you think people do it that way round because of a desire to be traditional.

Skintchick, i'm sorry if I offended you, it wasn't my intention. I wasn't using the terms old fashioned or traditional in a horrible way

I guess we're all just different, you're right way round isn't the right way round to me. I wouldn't want to get married to somebody before I had lived with them, maybe because I have already had a failed marriage, I would want to know somebody inside out before I made that kind of commitment.

Honestly though, I really wasn't trying to offend.

skintchick

You didn;t offend me And I felt I did know OH inside out - we knew each other for ten years before getting together and anything I didn;t know by then wasn;t going to be important enough to be an issue.

Jo_R_2

It does make me think I have to say... The number of people who have said to OH, especially since we found out about baby, asking when is he going to make an "honest woman" (LOL!) of me? Someone actually asked him a bit more deeply, saying why hasn't he asked me then if he wants to, and he said he didn't know:rolleyes:

He has also had said to him, why buy the cow when you can have the milk for free? :rolleyes::rolleyes:

I can very clearly see the points made by both of you hayley11 and skintchick - is it bizarre if I agree with both of you? :D

Also hadn't thought about your suggestion hayley11 about being engaged anyway - although I sense it's not ont he cards at the mo and tbh I don't want to keep talking about it with him unless he raises it because I don't want thim to get sick of it coming up! Although having said that it is actually mostly him who brings it up!

LouBlue

Interesting thread. Well my OH proposed after about 2 weeks....typical of him, puts no thought into anything...spontaneous....but little thought or planning.....:rolleyes: Bless him. He moved in with me after 3 months, kept proposing and I just kept saying, one day. Then after a couple of years, he gave up asking, knowing that I would say when I was ready. We have been together 5 years now and on my birthday last year, I looked at him and said 'can we go get me an engagement ring', :rotfl: He was so shocked but very happy and went to the Lanes in Brighton and we had a lovely time choosing my ring, it was very romantic. Haven't set a date yet as we have to pay for it ourselves and can't afford it at the mo. I always knew from early on that I would get married to him one day but have seen enough friends rush into it and regret it, that I wanted us to live together and just get to know each other inside and out first, it feels nice to be engaged now.

LouBlue

Mrs_Ryan wrote: »

But we shall see. He knows he hurt me last time and things have actually been alright since, he's been a lot more considerate towards me. But he's aware we're under a cloud and that he needs to sort himself out.

Thanks everyone for being so lovely-will keep you updated. xxxx

You know where I am if you want a chat. Just PM me. xxx

LouBlue

Jo_R wrote: »

Also hadn't thought about your suggestion hayley11 about being engaged anyway - although I sense it's not ont he cards at the mo and tbh I don't want to keep talking about it with him unless he raises it because I don't want thim to get sick of it coming up! Although having said that it is actually mostly him who brings it up!

I think you will have to be patient, I think he will do it.