Leaving my husband

lowis

Rolo, you are a brave lady, you seem to be handling this extremely well and in a very calm and measured way, I guess it is something you have thought about for a LONG time.

I am not going to tell you what to do one way or another, it is not for me to say, but what I will say is remain intelligent and open-eyed, you seem to be doing so well. He may promise to change, but before you even give him a whiff of a chance, he has to do that under his own steam, and maintain a programme of change and prove himself not only to you, but to himself...it could take months / years. If you decide you definitely don't want him back, then hopefully at least he will be a much improved man for the next woman he lives with.

Keep strong x

yoni_one

hollydays wrote: »

great post,and if the Father does try to put pressure on the child,which is going to be very painful for the child,how could you help them to deal with those emotions?

Going back to the things I posted, if it is safe for them to ask their mum or dad not to involve them that is one way of confronting the issue, but if they do not feel comfortable saying this to them then another way of dealing with emotions during times like this is to-

• offload and confide in a trusted person
• speak to someone on the domestic abuse helpline
• find safe ways of releasing anger, ie stress balls, punching pillows, crying their eyes out when they feel like it, going to a field and screaming at the top of their lungs
• writing their feelings down in the form of a letter to either parent and either delivering the letter or keeping it in a safe place or expressing their feelings in written form and then burning it or tearing it up or another symbolic way of disposing of those feelings
• create a happy box and put lots of nice things in it, pictures, things of sentimental value etc so when they are feeling sad they can open up the box and remember things that are good.
• seek counselling

Each child has their own way of coping and in some cases the methods they turn to are not safe or healthy. The above suggestions are ones we offer and have received feedback that they help some. There is no quick result. But children's and young people's awareness of what is happening should never be underestimated or ignored.

Rolo seems to be acutely aware of how her children are dealing with this on an individual basis and kudos for doing so when things are so difficult on a self level.

cassy

i have just read all your post and i would like to say you did the right thing leaving but dont rush into divorce or getting back with him...

you need to give your new situation time, if you want to give him the chance then start dating him again but on your terms,

make sure he or both of you get the help you need

then can you can honestly say you tried or survived through it

alexm08

Whatever decision you make at least it is going to make your life a whole lot better.

If you choose to move on then you have a new life ahead

If you choose to go back and things change (e.g. abusive behaviour or whatever the problem) then its a new happy life

Remember to take your time in decision making

chattycathyuk

I’ve been here too, i did leave, god was it hard, i still feel the pain, i didn’t just lose my husband, i lost my best friend, my home and everything that was my bubble!. i hated my husband at the time, felt like he controlled and changed me and he didn’t love our son or me anymore, but I asked myself and him why?? what went wrong??? i got my answers 5 years later??

I so don’t regret leaving, i felt wow i now can control my life and have my own feelings again! loved being me again. but i knew in my heart i still loved him and i missed him. i felt he was there but lost?? the man i loved had gone, and i felt like i was grieving, but he wasn’t dead?? he did tell me after 5 years later why. he had became insecure because he thought someone, somewhere will take you away, and my kid and i won’t fulfil your needs you hate me???? he Hated himself and made me hate him!, he stopped dressing nice, just stopped caring, was a mess, rude, abuse, shouting at my son all the time. I asked myself, who the hell is this guy???? Drinking kicked in next, was a nightmare! But where did he go?? Why wouldn’t he talk to me?? Was Just hell!

some men don’t like when they’re wrong, become sadsack, there’s no way out!!!! Men are funny things! They hide alot inside.

love is so hard to understand crazy! but we all love, in our own ways. maybe the love we had growing up isn’t the same love your partner had, that’s why they come across a weird???

I love my son sooooooooo much he’s my life! but he did grow inside me, i carried him, i have a bond. my husband was working, i didn’t care about him, or his stress, too much going on! maybe he felt alone?? maybe men deal with thing not as good as us women. they get ill, man ful, there dieing!!! women get up get on with it! we have to, we hate it cos there not like us, but if they where, would we love them?? or hate them cos where both the same??

i dont know???

what i do know is this has been happing for years!

Be strong and love and never forget who you are! never forget your not just mum and dad, your still them two people who met and clicked.

Trust yourself and not what your told. God bless x

schoolrunmum

Lovely post CC!!!

rolo-polo1965

Saturday

I can not believe we have been in our new house for a week.

The week has been a rolar coaster of emotions.

I met hubby again last night, he wanted me to go round to the house to talk to him, but i refused. I sugested we went to the cinema and saw "Changling". I have been wanting to see it for ages, the last fim i chose for us to see at the cinema was "Titanic". So when he agreed to see a film i wanted i was rather suprised.

Again he told me:
I miss you
I want you home
Why did you do this?
Why wont you come home?

I told him i would not be moving home for at least 2 months, i need to know he has changed.

He told me that 2 months is a life time.

He said i seemed to be very happy, a lot happier that when i lived at home.

I explained that i would be as i have no one shouting and abusing me or the children so i would be happy.

I dont mind admitting that i do not feel he has changed at all, he has tried bribing my eldest daughter to get me to go home.

But i am being strong, my eldest daughter and her boyfriend have moved in which is great emotional support as well as financial.

Thanks for all the advice and support

yoni_one

Thanks again for the update rolo.

I can see you are highly aware he is still very much focussed on his own needs right now, and I think it is good that you are not being drawn in to dialogue driven by him but rather stating your position firmly and sticking to it.

Your actions and the manner in which you deal with this are not only good for yourself but also for your children to witness and learn from.

You sound as though feel very in control of you right now, and that sounds great!

McKneff

good for you rolo, keep it up.

best wishes for your future

rolo-polo1965

Monday 3am

Oh my I can not sleep. I have been lying in bed for the past hour, tossing and turning, so thought i would get up and do a bit of surfing.

DD1 and her boyfriend moved in over the weekend.
This is great, they are there to not only support me emotionally but financialy as well, so we have been rather busy.

Hubby is not happy about it, but thats tough i am afraid. I have told him they want to be closer to both of us and help ease the financial burden but he can not see it like that.

Took the kids round there yesterday to see him. Told him we were fetching DS's computer desk and chest of drawers while we were there as he needs to do his school work. He was not happy.

He tells me everytime i take it bit more it is like stabbing him in the heart. He says all i am doing is taking not giving. Well thats tough as far as i am concerned. He needs to realise his behaviour was totally unacceptable.

While i was there he told me "he is running the big chest freezer down thats in the shed and did i want to take anything." I said "sure shall i go and look." He said "What now".

He sugested it so i went to freezer and found some bits and pieces, a joint of piork and a joint of lamb so brought them back and that what we had for tea last night. It was very nice.

Got to take van back in the morning before work that we moved DD1 and her stuff in so ought to return to bed and see if i can sleep.

Thanks for the cyber love