Leaving my husband

sal

Hi,

Just read this thread, well done Rolo.

I know some of what you have been through. I left an abusive relationship in March, went back in July and left again in September, soon knowing that I should never have gone back in the first place.

So it's been a yoyo year for me, very distressing but I feel so much better now. Fortunately there are no children from the relationship, only older ones from previous marriages.

He still tries to win me back, then abuses me in the same breath. Very sad, but I'm so much wiser now.

My saving grace has been www.wikivorce.com. Full of extremely useful practical and emotional support, professional advice and a chatroom full of support and fun at any time of the night and day.

Newcomers are always welcome and when it gets to the nitty gritty of divorce there is professional help there whenever you may need it. There's alway someone who has been there before.

Stay strong, you are doing so well. Keep reading back to the beginning to remind yourself of what you have escaped, especially when you have those moments of doubt.

Sal

rolo-polo1965

Thursday

Well this time last week i was stressed up to the eye balls thinking about what i was going to do.

This week i am not so stressed but stressed all the same about what i have done.

The kids seem better now, except middle daughter is talking to her dad a lot via msn and texts messages.

Yes he took her to a college interview today but he is piling on the emotions with a crane.

She is feeling very confused.

My son seems much better, and coping better now.

My youngest is just taking it all in her stride.

My eldest who lives about 12 miles away with her boyfriend, both of then have been a rock to me this past week.

He is still sending me the soppy messages:
I love you
I am sorry
etc etc

He has an appointment at the doctors on Monday morning, at least thats a step in the right direction.

But and thats a big but its going to take more than that.

He needs to make a lot of changes in himself before we become one again and if and thats a big IF we get back together again.

Sal thanks for the link to: http://www.wikivorce.com some of it has made interesting reading.

Thanks for all the cyber love and hugs

yoni_one

Still going strong there rolo, well done.

Your kids will go through every emotion out there, same as you really.

Just wanted to remind you about the Hideout website that helps children and young people better understand what is going on. Your kids may find it useful
http://www.thehideout.org.uk/over10/isithappeningtome/default.aspa

KatiePrincess

See a solicitor, the first half hour is usually free. You can force the sale of the house and as you are married and depending of your deeds, you will be entitled to half each. It can cost around £5000 more or less, and depends on whether it is contested, but I believe it can and will happen if it goes through the courts. Can take a few months.
Or go to mediation and try and final a resolution that doesn't involve the cost of solictors. A separation agreement, which I believe is largely binding, could be arranged.
If you leave you are still responsible for the mortgage.
Do some research and then make an informed choice when you know what your choices are.
xhugx

KatiePrincess

Don't try and get the young ones on your side, he is still their dad. They need to make their own minds up when they are ready.

hollydays

KatiePrincess wrote: »

Don't try and get the young ones on your side, he is still their dad. They need to make their own minds up when they are ready.

very good advice,but practically imagine this would be hard to do,how would you explain the situation?

poppyjay

well done rolo have just found you thread.Sorry dont have any advice but am thinking of you and your children good luck with what ever the future holds .

yoni_one

hollydays wrote: »

very good advice,but practically imagine this would be hard to do,how would you explain the situation?

It should be reinforced to children and young people that

• it is ok to love both their parents equally
• it is NEVER ok for one parent to hurt another parent or be mean to them
• it is ok to dislike certain behaviours in either parents
• it is ok to feel angry, sad etc. about what is happening
• fighting and arguing between parents is NEVER a child's fault
• and most importantly it is never a child or young person's job to try and make things better or fix things.

These messages can not be repeated enough.

Rolo, if your partner continues to try and manipulate your children in to putting pressure on you to return to him please remind them of the last statement, it isn't their job to fix things and if it is safe for them to do so, try and learn to say no to either of you if you start asking them to get involved.

If it is safe for them to say no to you / their dad then one way of saying it softly is 'Dad/Mum I know you are hurting but this is between you and mum/dad please don't involve me because I feel upset when you do that'

If it isn't safe for them to say the above to either of you then I would suggest that you continually remind them it is not their job to fix it every time they come to you after he has put pressure on them .

Try and avoid saying things like 'Dad shouldn't be doing this to you' - any direct criticism of their dad puts them in a position of potentially feeling under pressure from you to take sides.

There is no need to criticise him in front of them under any circumstances so be mindful when you are talking to friends / family face to face or on the phone in front of the children. They will have enough of their own views and mixed up emotions to deal with as it is.

schoolrunmum

Excellent advice Yoni...

hollydays

great post,and if the Father does try to put pressure on the child,which is going to be very painful for the child,how could you help them to deal with those emotions?