Leaving my husband

rolo-polo1965

Tuesday
I slept very well last night, probably the best sleep i have had for ages.

He is still sending me messages through MSN:
I love you
I will seek help
Give me one last chance
I am nothing without you
I will seek help
I will see a doctor
I will go for anger management
Can we try going out a few times and see what happens?

I have agreed to meet him tomorrow afternoon.
I have not seen a soliciter again nor filled in the paperwork for the divorce
I just need to get my head together.
The kids seem ok, but i am worried about my 18 year old son.
He does not seem to be coping very well at the moment.
I have been in touch with the kids schools to let them know what has happened though.
I take all your advice on board.
If he wants me back then he has to change, and he must prove to me that he has changed.
And that is going to take time as far as i am concerned, its not a quick fix.
Thanks for all the cyber love and hugs

jay11_2

Sounds very sensible rolo, no harm in taking your time.

Is your son being pressured by your OH? That was quite a strong comment he (OH) made about your son sticking up for him. Would he go to the doctors with you, some counselling might be in order, or could you stop contact between him and your OH for a few days? Lads of that age are so vulnerable, I wonder if your OH has been pushing buttons?

Emmzi

"I will seek help, I will go to a doctor, etc etc.."

Got off his butt and DONE any of that, has he?

Fine to say you will think about it AFTER he has had his counselling, you're in no rush to find a new man, etc etc.

But change First, thinkihg about going back later.

You've done too much too well to give in now. Don't be controlled. If this is a question about the rest of your lives, what's a few months now to see if he actually DOES anything or just gives you a load of promises?

hollydays

Just found this thread,what a marvellous woman you are.

If you have any weak moments,or moments when he succeeds in making you feel guilty,or moments when you think "maybe it's partly my fault",ring Womens Aid,and have a chat with them.

They deal with situations like this all the time,his behaviour is abusive,it IS domestic abuse,have no doubt about that.

He is a damaged person and his only way of trying to make himself feel ok about himself is by controlling his environment-and that means you and the kids.

He will try every single trick in the book to do this ,because he has managed to do it before,and its all he knows how to do.He will try telling you he is sick,can't live without you,you are cruel and heartless,he will try to manipulate the kids,tell you you are the one who's sick.

But all you need to tell him is that he needs to do the "work" he says he is going to do (anger management etc,he will know what you mean,don't spell it out).

Tell him he needs to do it for himself.

This is the ONLY leverage you have to get him to seek help,if you take him back before he has done this, things WILL go back to the way they were.

Today,don't make any promises,tell him you will " think about it,and get back to him"if he pressurises you to do things you don't want to do,meet him in a neutral,public place.
good luck and hugs

Loretta

If he had changed even a little bit he would not be manipulating and upsetting the children. Please remember why you left, you said it was mostly because of how he was upsetting the children, but of course you are entitled to live and not be bullied too. Now you have made this enormous step don't let him continue to upset the children and worry you so much.

If he wants to go to the doctor, anger management etc tell him to go and do it he is an adult and entirely responsible for everything he does or wants to do and when he thinks he has changed sufficiently to be able to behave, it may take about 100 years! say you will consider his progress but you do not want updates every hour as you and the children have a life to lead in peace.

Don't forget he has had 20 years to think about not behaving so badly and suddenly it has taken him about 10 minutes to change out of all recognition. Do you believe in miracles and fairy stories? You are his wife who as just left him because he cannot behave you are not his nanny and you are not responsible for him in anyway, that is why you took this enormous decision to move out with the children, life must have been really bad to take such a step, just keep remembering why you did it!

Keep posting we are all behind you. This is the difficult time as he will be really putting the pressure on. Don't have too much contact with him

rolo-polo1965

Wednesday

I met hubby at one of the local pubs today, i dont mind admitting that i was bricking it before hand.

We both became very emotional.
We sat chatting while we ate.

He asked me to move back home as the house is so empty without us.
I explained that i can not come home.
He told me he loves me and is sorry for the way he has treated me.
I told him i was sorry for the way that i left, but i explained that i felt i had no choice as i was unsure as to how he would react.

He told me i should have asked him to leave and he would have.

I told him that was rubbish as he has often told me that there is no way he would leave his house that he has put so much into.

I told him i felt like i was being treated like a piece of s**t.

He told me he did not mean to make me feel like that, but that his father treated him with violence and abuse so thats what he did.

We sat talking for about 2 1/2 hours.

I told him that its not just me he has to prove himself to, he has badly hurt my eldest daughter and son and he needs to apologise to them as well.

I told him we need to give us a couple of months to see how it goes.

He says that feels like forever.But he understands how i feel.

He says he feels depressed, i tried to make him a drs appointment but he needs to ring back in the morning.

He says he has an anger problem and is going to sort it out.

He knows it is 99.9% his fault, and he needs to prove himself.

Part of me feels he will never change but i feel that i should give him the chance to.

I honestly feel that we have come to the end of our lives together, and i am in some ways leading him on. But i feel i need to give him that chance no matter how slim it is.

Thanks for cyber love and hugs and all the personal messages

schoolrunmum

Thanks for the update Rolo.With so many men it boils down to how their fathers behaved doesn't it?
Stay strong-you ARE doing the right thing. It may not be the end. If he can wait for you, with patience and understanding you may find that spark again.
Wish I was as brave as you..hugs, SRM xx

hollydays

So,an emotionally draining day for you Rolo,and you have treated him in a fair,kind and honest way-remember that.

I don't accept his excuse that his Father treated him a certain way,so he repeated it. If he wished he could have chosen to get help before now,or he could have been a strong person and tried hard not to repeat the mistakes of his Father-

After you have been apart for a little while,you may start to release some of that fear,anxiety,panic that has built up inside you,but,you need to keep in control,which will help you feel better.

You do need to prepare yourself for the drama he will put you through shortly.You know him best,so figure out what this manipulative man will do next.Then,you will not be surprised for whatever cruel words he may use to you-you will allready be expecting it.You can learn to take control of yourself and say to yourself-I don't have to do anything I don't want to anymore.

You have a happier life ahead.x

yoni_one

Rolo, I hope anyone reading this who feels trapped in an abusive relationship is inspired by your actions to start the process of taking back control. I only hope you realise just how well you are doing.

I fully understand where you are coming from in feeling a need to allow him to make efforts to rehabilitate, regardless of whether any success will benefit this relationship or not.

Accessing help is a good thing for anyone who is violent as long as their motives and intentions are coming from the right place, if he manages to successfully challenge his issues then at the very least your children should no longer fear physical or emotional abuse from their dad.

Ultimately though it is in your best interest if he takes these steps first and foremost for his own good without securing any promise from you that you will return to him if he succeeds.

If he only wants to try and be better husband to win back his family then he is still missing the point by a mile.

Understand and continually remind yourself that you do not owe him a future together regardless of how successful he is on this next phase in his own personal life journey.

hollydays

rolo-apart from the forum,do you have any other support you can call on?Would it be useful to consider that your Doctors surgery may offer counselling.
Do you have any family to lean on.

xx

any other worries?
why are you worried about your18 year old?