Leaving my husband

Lilith1980

Hi Rolo

I have just come across this thread - I hope yesterday went as smoothly as it could have gone and you're in your new house with your children.

You are incredibly brave and I have a lot off respect for you hun.

xxxxx

piglet74

i was just checking in to see if you had left an update, i know its prob hard, moving house, now internet etc, so just to let u knwo im thinking about you, hope all went well with the move and u enjoyed a good nites sleep

rolo-polo1965

well its sunday morning, we have spent 2 nights in our new home.
We all got to bed about 1am on friday night
it was hard moving the stuff, we got the kids beds, computers, clothes etc.
Went to bed but did not sleep had mobile on silent so if he rang it would not wake me
he left me a voice mail message at 3.45 saying "This is not what i want, i love you i am sorry, its all my fault"
at 4.30am he left me anothe voice mail message " i love you, its my fault, i am sorry, you have been very brave to do this"
at 8.10am he rang again i spoke to him as i thought i ought to. the conversation went something along the lines of:
Him - I do love you
Me - I love you and always will you are the father of my children and nothing will change that
Him - I want to see the kids
Me - Yes you can any time you want and they want
Him - What have you done with the bank account as i am going to get £100 now for food and a vacume as you took it
Me - Nothing, you can have the vacume if you want i will buy one
Him - Well we will have to sort the bank and stuff out, you were rather harsh in doing this
Me - ok, i had no choice
Him - Talk again soon

At 1.30 he rang again and told me he wanted to see the kids and was sitting out side the house in his car, would they go out to him
They went out.
He told my daughters he was not suprised they had come with me as they would.
He told my son that he should have stood up for him and he is suprised he left
He then told them he would not be around for long
They came in and were ok
He rang my eldest daughter and told her:
I have no one now
I am alone
You have all gone
I have no family (he has 2 brothers and we are still his family)
I might as well kill myself
He is really going for the emotional black mail
At 8pm last night he sent me a text to say read my message on msn if you can, he sent the kids texts teling them he loves them.
I was worried what i was going to read
My daughter has lent me her 3G so i can log on
His message was a bit soppy telling me he loves me, he is sorry, what are we going to do, i should have spoken to him
i spent a few mins talking to him on msn.
i am now trying to write him a letter as there is no way i am going back to him, and i want him to realis ethis without sounding too harsh
He left me another msn message this morning saying i am sorry etc
he is on line now but i am showing as off line as i dont want to talk to him
i do need to finish this letter so any tips and advice would be good
Thanks for all the cyber love and hugs
i will post more as things happen

littlepinky84

Stay Strong Rolo, you have done brillantly so far

As for the letter maybe just say that after everything that has happened you would be better off being apart as being together just isnt working.

FingersCrossed_2

Sounds like it's been an emotional rollercoaster for you Rolo. What a tough few days.

All I would say is words are cheap and easy - it's actions that prove a person means what they say. If he is going to change then he has to prove that to you over a long period of time. Not 'win you back' with emotional blackmail, empty promises and threats of killing himself!

You'll know what the right thing to do is in your heart. You are an amazingly strong lady.

Big hugs.

Mutter_2

Glad you and the children are safe Rolo and that my fear of him discovering before completion did'nt materialise.
Do you think he'd been drinking when he kept phoning through the night? Otherwise I find that totally selfish behaviour. Mind, he used emotional blackmail on the children which is unforgivable.

Hope you are feeling relief not regret and thankyou for keeping us all updated. Take care.

yoni_one

((rolo))

Up until now he has had a lot of power and control over his relationship with you and the kids.

You have now taken it back and already you can see he has started trying out new tactics to regain it. Although threats of self-harm should not be dismissed lightly, what he does to himself or what he says to you and the children is his responsibility as it has been all along and threats of self-harm are very very typical in situations like this, so he is now trying to guilt you and children into returning by expressing how hopeless he is without you and life isn't worth living without you.

You have been with him many years and he will know your possible crumple buttons and those of the children and he may try and press them over and over wearing any or all of you down so that you will return to him.

He may try and convince you that he will allow the relationship to move forward completely on your terms if you will only come back to him or let him move in with you in your home.

If he spots a weakness or a weak moment in you he may try and convince you how much you NEED him, he may also tell you that no one else will want you and try and convince you that he is a good catch and he will only give you so many chances to go back to him.

He may try and make you jealous with new partners.

He may get angry and use threats to frighten you or the children, then apologise telling you he only gets so angry because he loves you so much and if you hadn't left him none of this would be happening.

He may tell you he has a life-threatening illness or been diagnosed with something serious that he needs you to come home and care for him.

He may agree to any conditions whatsoever just to get you to go back home.

He may start telling mutual friends or friends of your children what a neglectful wife you have been and how he is the victim and you are the perpetrator of abuse and putting pressure on you through third parties to return home.

He may start trying to bribe you and / or the children with things he knows you want to show what a good man he is really and how better things will be if you return home.

If any of you have anything precious to you that he can get within reach of ie pets or memorabilia etc he may threaten to harm or break it, all in the name of showing you how much he loves you and wants you back.

He may show sincere remorse for his previous behaviour however even if he does have a genuine light bulb moment, his job would be a willingness to spend eternity demonstrating it from outside of the relationship without putting any pressure on you and not have you return so he can show you while living back in his home where he has more control over you again.

He may do some all or none of the above but expect your emotions to be tugged at from all directs. Preparing for it does help in dealing with it. And knowing that his tactics are not necessarily as sincere as they may seem but are rather typical of perpetrators to regain power and control over their target of domestic violence and abuse.

You come across as a woman of great strength but it will be tested. If you have a local Domestic Violence and Abuse outreach service they can help support you and your children through all of this and help you think more clearly when you are under pressure from your ex.

Well done you really have done so well to get to this point, things are more in your hands now and choices for you are yours to make without any need whatsoever for his acceptance, agreement or approval.

And btw, I wish you good luck and a safe and happy future in your new home

abby1234519

I admire you Rolo

cazscoob

all my love rolo! can i say that you have done the right thing and i admire you so much for that! a lot of people stay in unhappy relationships forever and your so brave that you have managed to get out and start again. i wish you all the luck and happiness in the world as you truely deserve it! now give those kids a big hug, stick the kettle on and relax! xxx

Princess_Sparkles

Rolo - first of all well done you! It took some guts & detrmination to get this far, and what I want to say is hang on in there.
I did a similar thing 4 yrs ago - left a man who was a controlling nightmare, - what broke the camel's back was one night when he objected to my 16yr old ds having some of our chinese takeaway - stupid I know, but after years of awfulness I had to ask myself when would I do something about it?..
Anyway - you mentioned not wanting to be harsh - please, don't bother with that. He has been nothing but 'harsh' to you and the children -did he feel any guilt at all? No- otherwise you would not be where you are now.
I too loved the man I left, and in my efforts 'not to be harsh' I spent two years being nice but firm, keeping my head firmly in the sand about the man he really was & then in the end I still had the pain of losing him when he decided to tell me he'd had a girlfriend for 12 months. He did not deserve my love, my care & attention. I should have known better & tried my hardest to stay with the reality of life with him.
Please keep remembering what he's really like when he's in his comfort zone, which he will be if you let your guard down even just a shade.
He will not change. He will always be the man he is, someone who will stoop to have a go at his poor son for not standing up for him, and threatening suicide to get his own way.
What he does now is his business -he's an adult & needs to take responsibility for his own actions. Do not let him take even another ounce of your self esteem & strength. Lots of love Rolo - thank you for being on here & probably helping other women who are at a similar crossroads.xxx