Leaving my husband

yoni_one

Rolo, of course you need proof if he has changed. If he can demonstrate over a long period that he respects your wishes and wants what is best for you and the children, and if he can achieve this without insisting you return home or he join you, then great if that is what you want.

If on the other hand he refuses or fails to prove it to you on your terms then you have your answer.

I am really sorry he is using the children to try and manipulate you. In fact this behaviour is abusive to both them and you and is evidence that although he may be sincerely sorry you have left him it doesn't include any acknowledgement that he is sorry for his behaviour. If he is sincerely sorry for his behaviour and his part in what led to this he wouldn't dream of trying to manipulate the kids or you, the reason he wouldn't dream of it would be because that is part of the very behaviour he should be sorry for. In summary, this very act is proof that he hasn't changed very much so far.

You are currently in the strongest position you can be on this journey. Be very careful of anything you agree to and thoroughly analyse your reasons why. Are you agreeing to things primarily for the good of you and the children or is it first and foremost in an effort to meet his needs?

lisaloo1977

I feel bad defending him and i am not really, but i just have to say.

Would it not be a persons first reaction to be upset and sorry when seeing their children, knowing they had destroyed the family they had. Do you not think that he may actually be in shock about what he has done and what his actions have resulted in, the sane reaction will be to be upset? If he was not upset, would that not make him cold, hard and uncaring? It seems he can do no right.


I am not saying he is perfect, we all are aware he is not. I just think you are the only person who knows what is best and what you want. I think you have the time and place to work that out for yourself now.

alexm08

Ok i've followed this whole thread.

I'm a man and my initial reaction to the more recent posts was poor guy etc.. compared to all the women on here who are giving it the whole "woooo go gurlll" attitude!

In all fairness nobody should try and tell rolo oh leave him, don't get back, get back with him etc

It's up to rolo to evaluate her life and make her own decision.

Anyway that my two cents

Craftyscholar

Rolo, only you can decide what is best for you and your children, however can I make two suggestions?

Read the words of others who have been in your situation in the past.

Go back to your first post - read the examples you gave of what he had done in the past - find some quiet time and add all you can remember. Then when he asks what he did you can give actual examples.

Emmzi

Rolo,

don't move back and see if he changes.

See if he changes and then see if you want to move back. He has to do the proving first.

6 months seems like a decent time for him to try and sustain a change in behaviour.

FingersCrossed_2

Hey Rolo,

I'm with Emmzi - there is no reason for things to be hostile. Sometimes you just need to change something in the equation and you've done that by moving out. Why not try going back to 'dating' for a few months and see how you feel. Go back to spending time together doing the nice things and see if he really can change! I would set some ground rules though and make it absolutely clear to him that he can't be upsetting the children like this.

In response to Alexm08 - I think we all realise that Rolo can make her own decisions and should do what she thinks is the right thing. I think it is just typical chick behaviour to rally round and offer support in the 'you go girl' fashion. When you are in a deep dark dark hole, it is good to have people at the top cheering you on as you try and fight your way out. Good on you for being brave and offering your take though. I suppose that's what these threads are all about. Us offering our opinions and the OPs getting different perspectives. :-)

ceebeeby

You've been through so much over the past couple of weeks.

Good for you for staying strong for the children, himself and yourself.

Take your time and evaluate everything, the past, the present and what you see for yourself in the future.

You sound very sensible, and I'm sure you'll make the decision that's best for you xxx

schoolrunmum

Rolo, the most important thing is not to rush into anything. He may indeed have seen the light, he may not. Ask yourself, if you go back, would you have the strength to go through the last few weeks/months trauma again- and the kids too?? If he truly has changed, he will wait till you are certain. If he hasn't, you will see that and be no worse off. Don't make any snap decisions...much love, SRM x

alexm08

FingersCrossed wrote: »

Hey Rolo,

I'm with Emmzi - there is no reason for things to be hostile. Sometimes you just need to change something in the equation and you've done that by moving out. Why not try going back to 'dating' for a few months and see how you feel. Go back to spending time together doing the nice things and see if he really can change! I would set some ground rules though and make it absolutely clear to him that he can't be upsetting the children like this.

In response to Alexm08 - I think we all realise that Rolo can make her own decisions and should do what she thinks is the right thing. I think it is just typical chick behaviour to rally round and offer support in the 'you go girl' fashion. When you are in a deep dark dark hole, it is good to have people at the top cheering you on as you try and fight your way out. Good on you for being brave and offering your take though. I suppose that's what these threads are all about. Us offering our opinions and the OPs getting different perspectives. :-)

Oh yeah exaclty, alot of people would just stick at it or do nothing. It's great to see rolo make a stand it shows some real courage.

Mely

Rolo...how could he have 'changed' so quickly? That just isnt possible. You should think about what you want from your life, and if you think you want to try again with him then please,please,please dont move back in with him just yet. That would be a massive mistake! Both for you ,and especially your kids. Take things slowly, and over a few months if you do decide to try again, and have it all on your terms. Make sure you KNOW he has changed, and if he hasnt then his behaviour will be remembered by your kids, and may affect the rest of their lives. Believe me i know.
((((hugs))))