Leaving my husband

Money_maker

:A Thanks for the update. Maybe he should be making the doctors appointment - not you for him. He must back up his words with action.

You have been so brave, keep your thoughts on yourself and the children and you will always make the right decision.

More hugs (you can never have too many!)

Mely

Rolo.... you have been so decent with your ex despite everything, and your such a brave lady! My father is so similar to your ex its uncanny(violent and mentally abusive). Men like that rarely or are unable to change. And that is why i have cut him out of my life forever, as the pain never stops. The violence against me stopped when i was about 20, but the mental abuse never did! Hopefully this wont happen with your ex and your children ,and they can have a good relationship, but i can only see that happening once he gets professional help.
Thinking of you as usual....xxxx((((hugs))))

Loretta

rolo-polo1965 wrote: »

Tuesday

I met hubby at one of the local pubs today, i dont mind admitting that i was bricking it before hand.

We both became very emotional.
We sat chatting while we ate.

He asked me to move back home as the house is so empty without us.
I explained that i can not come home.
He told me he loves me and is sorry for the way he has treated me.
I told him i was sorry for the way that i left, but i explained that i felt i had no choice as i was unsure as to how he would react.

He told me i should have asked him to leave and he would have.

I told him that was rubbish as he has ofetn told me that there is no way he would leave his house that he has put so much into.

I told him i felt like i was being treated like a piece of s**t.

He told me he did not mean to make me feel like that, but that his father treated him with violence and abuse so thats what he did.

We sat talking for about 2 1/2 hours.

I told him that its not just me he has to prove himself to, he has badly hurt my eldest daughter and son and he needs to apologise to them as well.

I told him we need to give us a couple of months to see how it goes.

He says that feels like forever.But he understands how i feel.

He says he feels depressed, i tried to make him a drs appointment but he needs to ring back in the morning.

He says he has an anger problem and is going to sort it out.

He knows it is 99.9% his fault, and he needs to prove himself.

Part of me feels he will never change but i feel that i should give him the chance to.

I honestly feel that we have come to the end of our lives together, and i am in some ways leading him on. But i feel i need to give him that chance no matter how slim it is.

Thanks for cyber love and hugs and all the personal messages

Thanks for the update.

I am surprised that after 20 years of behaving so badly since only last friday he has managed to work out that he behaves like this because of his father's behaviour. That was quick. If he realises that his father behaved badly, it it didn't take long to work that out did it? he should have known how horrible that could be and not do it to his children or to you and if he felt he was behaving badly should have sorted it out ages ago. he can now spend a couple more days changing himself out of all recognition.

He is putting the pressure on no.

I am concerned about your 18 year old sone. That is a difficult age and he is just making sense of how life works, he has been bullied and undermined by your husband all his life and had the terrible experience of his friend's death and has not done as well as expected with his exams all this is at the centre of his world. He has now seen that you will not tolerate this behaviour from your husband towards him and have moved out. It is important now that he and your other children are protected from your husband's continued bullying and manipulating otherwise he will be thinking that even you, his mother, cannnot protect him from all this.

You have done the right thing and been very brave, it will get easier as the days go on. I think you are right saying that your marriage has ended and you don't want to lead your husband on. it is up to him to sort him self out and for him to leave you all alone while he is doing it, if he wants to that is. I think that after 20 years of this bullying you would not be able to go back and forget it ever happened even if he turned into a saint. I think that he is still manipulating you, if he had any real insight and a real desire to change he would realise that his continued behaviour is not fair.

cazxx1

rolo good luck in your new life be happy x

piglet74

thanks for the update, im near crying here,

i know he has said come back and i will change, but hows about you say if you change and prove its permenant i JUST MIGHT THINK about coming back,

i would say 6 months, give yourself time and space, i know what your saying about your own son finding it hard, but think of it like this, (im not saying its gonna ever happen, but just think) your hubbie is blaming his dad, how he acted etc, thats why hubbie treated u this way, could you imagine if ur hubbies influence on your son, allowed history to keep repeating itself?
maybe thats a good reason NOT to go back to him,

make a "bad" list, all the bad thigs that was going on with you when you first started this thread, all the things u hated about your life, and a good list, of how much better u feel now, it might help you stay strong,

your doing so well, your so brave too, good luck, thinking of you xoxo

Swishy_bell

Hi Just wanted to say how amazed I am at how well you have handled all this!

Just a thought but now is maybe the time to see if he will go to relate with you. Explain it DOES NOT mean you will get back together but it may at least help you both work out what has gone wrong and get the counceling you both need to come through this awful situation. They can probably best advise on how to help the kids through this and provided the support you all need.

Stay strong, you are obviously such a loving caring person.:o

hollydays

Swishy_bell wrote: »

Hi Just wanted to say how amazed I am at how well you have handled all this!

Just a thought but now is maybe the time to see if he will go to relate with you. Explain it DOES NOT mean you will get back together but it may at least help you both work out what has gone wrong and get the counceling you both need to come through this awful situation. They can probably best advise on how to help the kids through this and provided the support you all need.

Stay strong, you are obviously such a loving caring person.:o

If you speak to any professional, including Relate themselves,they will tell you that couples counselling is not recommended in an abusive relationship.He needs to sort out his problems first.

schoolrunmum

hollydays wrote: »

So,an emotionally draining day for you Rolo,and you have treated him in a fair,kind and honest way-remember that.

I don't accept his excuse that his Father treated him a certain way,so he repeated it. If he wished he could have chosen to get help before now,or he could have been a strong person and tried hard not to repeat the mistakes of his Father-

After you have been apart for a little while,you may start to release some of that fear,anxiety,panic that has built up inside you,but,you need to keep in control,which will help you feel better.

You do need to prepare yourself for the drama he will put you through shortly.You know him best,so figure out what this manipulative man will do next.Then,you will not be surprised for whatever cruel words he may use to you-you will allready be expecting it.You can learn to take control of yourself and say to yourself-I don't have to do anything I don't want to anymore.

You have a happier life ahead.x

Yes, but they don't even realise they are acting like their own fathers Hollydays..it would come as a complete surprise to them it you pointed it out, and to be fair, can they really be blamed if that's the role model they had to follow? My DHs father left home for a younger model when he was about 7. He would swan in and out of their lives making promises that were never kept, and flashing the cash about....promising to turn up for important school events-the failing to do so....so the cycle continues..

hollydays

I don't aportion blame,but I also don't accept it as an excuse.The problem with that line of thinking is that it can leave the female partner feeling she should "forgive" him for being abusive,because he "can't help it"..and so the cycle of abuse continues.
First an abusive partner has to admit he has been abusive,everything else goes from there..

jay11_2

hollydays wrote: »

I don't aportion blame,but I also don't accept it as an excuse.The problem with that line of thinking is that it can leave the female partner feeling she should "forgive" him for being abusive,because he "can't help it"..and so the cycle of abuse continues.
First an abusive partner has to admit he has been abusive,everything else goes from there..

Well said, hollydays. No-one, male or female, should have to tolerate an abusive partner. We all have a free will, whatever our childhood was like, and can reflect on how/what we do. Most people from abusive backgrounds aren't abusive themselves, they're statistically more likely to be, but most aren't.

But as long as people (male and female) 'put up' with such treatment in relationships, the abuser gets away with it and sees it as an acceptable way to behave.