OH's children-aargh

Debt_Free_Chick

As a step-mum you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. You can't treat them as if you were their parent - you're not. And you can't treat them as if they were just children of some mutual acquaintance - when you might tell 'em what for - cos they're not!

You have to be ultra, ultra kind, patient and far more tolerant of them than any other kid on the planet.

Not easy - so don't be hard on yourself.

Anyone who successfully steers their way through step-parenthood deserves a Sainthood!!!!

McKneff

coldstreamalways wrote: »

Thank you all so much for your replies. I think I find it particularly hard because I don't have (and don't want) children, the last time I had anything to do with a 14yo girl is when I was one and I never ever want to say anything because I don't want to a: be the evil stepmum or b: do anything that OH may see as a criticism of his or his ex wife's parenting because I know they both do their very best for the children.

It's not my fault they split up, nor is it my fault I fell in love with a dad but there is nobody I can ask or talk to about it and I really value you lot telling me-actually, that's what 14 yo girls do. I'm sure I would make a hash of parenting if I tried it and I have every respect for mums and dads.

I'll just carry on biting my lip.

Thank you again.

:T :T

and smile, even though its through gritted teeth

McKneff

Debt_Free_Chick wrote: »

Daphne's words/style might be a little blunt (God knows, I can be blunt!!) BUT ......

I think there's validity in the message. Anyway .... it's along the lines that the majority of us have posted, albeit in a different way.

Have a good day folks

good post DFC

seven-day-weekend

Just want to say that having posted earlier about it being normal behaviour and that the OP should put a brave face on it, I meant that if their dad didn't say anything there is not a lot else she can do. I didn't mean to suggest that the behaviour was acceptable. I think they are acting like spoilt brats. But in the end they are not the OP's children and if their dad won't put his foot down then I think she has just to grit her teeth and get on with it. But I would not give them food to waste, just tell them to make a sandwich or something.

bunny999

Next time they are due to visit go out and leave your other half to deal with them. Then you can see how much he likes waiting on them.They aren't your kids so let him deal with them. But, remember to be grateful that they don't live with you.

Debt_Free_Chick

bunny999 wrote: »

Next time they are due to visit go out and leave your other to deal with them. Then you can see how much he likes waiting on them.They aren't your kids so let him deal with them. But, remember to be grateful that they don't live with you.

And then show OH the bill for the wasted food!

Actually, this is not a bad suggestion if OP thinks her OH isn't aware of the effort she makes. But remember, he's in a difficult place too. He wants to make his home a place where his kids want to be. Another favourite of teenagers with divorced parents is the "It's not as good here as it at home with Mum" :mad:

Bluddy kids :rolleyes:

kittykat100

OP, have sent you a link to a website you may find useful.

Kittyx

moggylover

coldstreamalways wrote: »

I just wanted a quick rant, my fiance has three children, 20, 18 and 14. The 20yr old is ace but he lives in Scotland so we only see him two or three times a year. The other two are lovely and I love them to bits but they are leeches!
The two of them are so wasteful it's unbelievable, OH feels he has to give them whatever they ask for because he clearly no longer lives with them and still feels a bit guilty. They come round for supper twice a week and for example-Last night they asked for steak and chips, 14yo daughter ate about three chips and no steak and drank one third of the coke can she had asked for and then demanded pudding, he had bought some cheesecake (which she had asked for) three mouthfuls and didn't want anymore!

Then she wants money for a school trip and shopping and moile phone top ups (to be fair he sticks to her pocket money as agreed with her mum and they share the cost of school trips etc) but she never ever says thank you.
18yo son drives the two of them over with not enough petrol to get home, so OH has to give him money to get them both home AND HE STILL NEVER SAYS THANK YOU! I have just thrown away two half drunk cans of coke and the chips etc they didn't eat because they still smother them in sauce etc.

I do love the children to bits but is there any way I can get them to realise that they are pouring our money away?

I agree with some of the posters who say that this CAN be quite normal for teenagers - I also consider it totally unacceptable behaviour for teenagers and indicates some seriously poor parenting: although I suppose some allowance can be made for them having perhaps over-compensated during their split.

However, if parents have not taught an 18 year old boy to budget better than that then he needs a few short sharp shocks until he realises that money does not grow on trees, i.e. that if he does not have the petrol to drive them home then your DH takes them home and the car stays right where it is until his son can afford to come and get it:D . Mobile phone top-ups: give them an amount per week or month and if they run out: tough!

And I thoroughly agree that the waste of food is disgraceful and I would be equally annoyed by this: in future I would not pander to any special requests and would just serve them a meal and not offer pudding at all unless the main course had been eaten.

Did speaking to your DH help at all in a concrete kind of way? I mean, did he actually say that he would stand up to them and make it clear that their behaviour is not going to be tolerated?

I speak here as a parent - if they were my own they would not get away with it (although I know a fair few spoilt and noxious youngsters who do indeed get away with that sort of behaviour at home ) as I would simply not consider it in their long term best interests in this life.

If either of them want extra money, then I think your OH should assist them in getting part-time jobs, show them how to write a budget - and then be firm and let them get on with it. How you will achieve making him toughen up with them I do not know: from my experience of friends who have similar family situations there often seems to be a problem with the absent parent being too lenient and making life difficult for the parent with care as well so it is a mine field that I suspect will be quite difficult to put up with.

Good luck! They are hard work when they are your own as well - but I suspect especially hard when you do not give them VERY clear boundaries and you have my sympathy if your OH will not do so - I would find that very frustrating:mad:

splishsplash

Debt_Free_Chick wrote: »

As a step-mum you're stuck between a rock and a hard place. You can't treat them as if you were their parent - you're not. And you can't treat them as if they were just children of some mutual acquaintance - when you might tell 'em what for - cos they're not!

You have to be ultra, ultra kind, patient and far more tolerant of them than any other kid on the planet.

Not easy - so don't be hard on yourself.

Anyone who successfully steers their way through step-parenthood deserves a Sainthood!!!!

Couldn't agree more:T

Steph998

coldstreamalways wrote: »

Last night they asked for steak and chips, 14yo daughter ate about three chips and no steak and drank one third of the coke can she had asked for and then demanded pudding, he had bought some cheesecake (which she had asked for) three mouthfuls and didn't want anymore!

I have just thrown away two half drunk cans of coke and the chips etc they didn't eat because they still smother them in sauce etc.

Oh, bring back the good old days, when my mother used to make me sit at the table until I had finished everything on my plate. Even now, the theme tune for the nine o'clock news brings back memories....me, in the other room with the lights off, staring at a plate of cold brussels sprouts while the rest of the family sat in front of the telly with bags of Twiglets. The rotters.

(Funny thing, I love Brussels now. And eggs, and tomatoes. All the things I hated and used to stuff up my sleeves and flush down the loo! Still can't quite get the hang of SPAM luncheon meat though. )

Seriously though....apart from these kids sounding completely normal, it also sounds to me like both parents are over compensating. They feel guilty that their children are not living the ideal Happy Family dream, so they try to make up for it by doing everything they can to make them happy otherwise. Kids are brilliant at taking advantage. They are the most selfish creatures on the planet, and some never grow out of it. I have the same problem with my son, but its not food he wastes...he eats like a horse .....it's just our money!

Why don't you try serving up something not so delicious as steak the next time they come (brussels sprouts?:D) and when they complain, make a big joke of it (get fiance on your side) and with a big grin say you don't mind throwing stuff like fish fingers in the bin, but you get a bit annoyed having to throw away a fiver's worth of meat.

She'll understand in about....oh, twenty years. She'll have a eureka moment one teatime with her own ungrateful brats, and she'll come and say sorry.

(And the not saying thank you thing. Bugs the life out of me. I just say 'pardon?' when they don't say it, and keep saying 'pardon??' in a really annoying way until they do. )

Good luck!