OH's children-aargh

rchddap1

It is hard being a step mum but in any situation that I'd feel uncomfortable I'd talk to their Dad about how I felt and see what he said. Then I'd leave it up to him. At the end of the day they are his kids and they'd be perfectly justified in turning round and saying 'you're not my mum its got nothing to do with you'.

However, trying to see how much you can get is normal behaviour for a teenager. Give 'em an inch and they'll take half the coastline.

wannabe

I am pbably going to open a can of worms or unleash more scorn. I too am in a similar position. I have got divorced never had children .I have men a man with 2 children 16 and 14. The are both extrememly manipulative (as I am sure that I was at the time) and play their parents off something awful. The result is the mum hates me and has not even got to know me. They joined forces to split us up and it lasted 2 days, as he missed me as I did him. I have tried hard to be there for both of them and to my face they are good, but they are bitter and hurting and out to get all the attention they can (again sure I was the same) All I'm saying is I am finding it really hard too and I want you to know I'm sorry I have no idea what to do myself so I cannot give you advice but if you want to talk to someone who will not judge - feel free to pm me.
Take care and I'm thinking of you
x

DKLS

Op your onto a loser, I spent 12 years in a relationship with a step kid, whatever you do you will be wrong, and however much your man loves you he will always side with the kid, you have my empathy.

robin_banks

I think the lesson here is you've really got to be certain you dont have a problem being in a relationship with someone who has kids from a previous relationship.

miserly_mum

robin_banks wrote: »

I think the lesson here is you've really got to be certain you dont have a problem being in a relationship with someone who has kids from a previous relationship.

I agree, but sometimes we can't help who we fall in love with

I'm sure my OH wants to run away screaming several times a week (sometimes a day) when my lot are playing up. I know I do and they are MY kids.

He had no children when we met (I had 5) but we now have a little boy together almost 3. I know he finds it difficult sometimes and doesn't always get it right (Then neither do I).

But we are committed to each other and to making it work. Yes he knew that we came as a package but it's still not easy dealing with children who aren't biologically his.

Mojisola

miserly_mum wrote: »

I think it's vey easy to paint the OP as the wicked step-mum here, but I see exactly why she gets annoyed with the wastage of food and the expecting money all the time etc.

I wouldn't put up with that from my own kids and for others to just blow it off as being typical teenage behaviour is just making an excuse for kids acting like spoiled brats.

Thank you, miserly_mum! After reading the other comments, I thought I must be the only one who wouldn't put up with behaviour like that. Allowing teenagers to get away with anything because of their age is bad parenting. If they aren't given boundaries, how are they going to know what is acceptable behaviour?

It sounds as if this girl is being very manipulative and is playing on her father's guilt - this isn't something that should be encouraged for her own sake.

In this case, though, I don't think the OP is going to be able to do anything about it herself. If she can talk it through with her OH, she may get him to see that by giving in to his daughter all the time, he isn't doing her any favours, but any changes are going to have to come from him.

Uniscots97

The 14 yo sounds like she knows she is getting spoilt and plays up to it, you have my sympathy. It'll bite her when she's older when she realises you can't act like that in the real world.

coldstreamalways

I talked it through with her dad last night, just sort of probing him to find out what he thought. It did help a bit actually, I know we've (probably) only got a few more years of teen behaviour anyway so it's not like a life sentence. I'm far from being a wicked step mum, I just don't want any confrontation with the children because it would kill my OH to hear "You're not my mother" and I would never want a situation like that, I would just like them to be well behaved and good mannered-that doesn't make me a bad "step mum".


You're right, you can't help who you fall in love with,you just have to make compromises.

SandC

I concur with what most of the others have said. It's a very lucky stepmum indeed who doesn't get a little bit of acting up. In all honesty if your partner lets these kids get away with it there is really little that you can do but button up and remember it won't be long til the youngest is 20 too!

What I would say though is if you are preparing food, don't ask them what they want. Prepare whatever you feel like cooking (while knowing that it's something they like). These are not 5 year olds. If you know that there is always going to be wastage because they are so fussy then don't get cans of coke in, buy a bottle, don't buy steak, give them a burger. That side of things, if you are deemed responsible for them, then you can make the rules (even if you don't tell them these rules ).

justpeyton4now

We have a blended family also. My bio kidlets who are almost adults live in another country so we don't have the daily or weekly frictions on that front. His bio kidlets are in the same town. All teens will push for whatever they want. They do have a problem with delayed gratification, also known as the "I Want It NOW! syndrome" LOL

However, basic manners are expected from all the children. Please, thank you, yes sir or madam. That needs to start from the time they're very small. You're in the throes of teen drama time and if they haven't learned it before, it's probably not likely to happen now. Continue using respect and manners with them and maybe a bit will rub off on them.

I do wonder if it's not just the money wasting but also the lack of respect for your OH and yourself that bothers you. No one likes to feel taken advantage of. Dad may indulge out of guilt feelings and that happens. Could you possibly talk with him about a set budget to indulge them with?

As for dinners, cook food they like that is in your budget. Burgers, chips, pizza etc. Get a cheese pizza or single serve sized and some different toppings for them to put on their pizzas. Things they make themselves, they usually eat better. Definitely buy fizzy drinks in bigger bottles and get smaller glasses. It's a visual thing, a full glass is still full regardless of the size, yet there is less waste. The same holds true with using smaller plates. Plan a more expensive meal once a month with steak, chips or whatever the kidlets like. That way they'll learn not to expect it all the time. Get dad in on it by asking him before the kidlets come what he thinks they'll like best... pizza, chicken or burgers. Whatever is in your budget.

Then when they've gone home, grin knowing that one day they'll have kidlets that will drive them nuts too. :rotfl: