OH's children-aargh

coldstreamalways

Thank you all so much for your replies. I think I find it particularly hard because I don't have (and don't want) children, the last time I had anything to do with a 14yo girl is when I was one and I never ever want to say anything because I don't want to a: be the evil stepmum or b: do anything that OH may see as a criticism of his or his ex wife's parenting because I know they both do their very best for the children.

It's not my fault they split up, nor is it my fault I fell in love with a dad but there is nobody I can ask or talk to about it and I really value you lot telling me-actually, that's what 14 yo girls do. I'm sure I would make a hash of parenting if I tried it and I have every respect for mums and dads.

I'll just carry on biting my lip.

Thank you again.

oystercatcher

Why not ask her how much she wants to eat when you are dishing up?
I don't think it occurs to kids how much stuff costs but I point out to mine and they have become really good. It's more difficult when it's not your own children but not impossible.

My children have a fixed allowance and they don't get extra phone top ups etc, they have to learn to budget. Maybe your other half could arrange to pay them a regular amount (I pay mine by direct debit) and make it clear that is it.
There's no harm in saying that you are being careful with money, I think most people are.
They have to realise that love is not shown by material possesions.

Oystercatcher

toadyfrog

my son who is 18 and on a pretty good wage as an apprentice electrician wanted me to give him money for new clothes 5 mins after being told his dad was being made redundant on the 12th December. Then he thinks I'm horrible and the worst mum in the world and have never done anything for him because I said no.

toadyfrog

Sometimes I think these forums would benefit from from a sod off button as well as the thanks and quote buttons

daphne_descends

I agree toady, though I suspect you mean it is me who needs to be told to sod off? The Op is slagging off a child. I can only guess but I imagine the child would be devastated to read what is written about her. It is sad.

Debt_Free_Chick

daphne_descends wrote: »

I only know what you've told us so I will judge that, as that is what discussion is - making judgments and offering advice, I did both. My advice remains the same, cut her some slack. She is not your child to discipline and if your partner - HER father - has a problem with her asking friends along, then it is his issue to sort, not yours.

Daphne's words/style might be a little blunt (God knows, I can be blunt!!) BUT ......

I think there's validity in the message. Anyway .... it's along the lines that the majority of us have posted, albeit in a different way.

Have a good day folks

bandraoi

I always feel uncomfortable with this notion of teenagers/children being grateful to their parents. Under the age of 16, they have no choice but to rely on their parents to have their material needs met. You cannot permanently expect them to behave like guests who've been invited to dinner and politely eat everything that's put in front of them and declare it lovely.

JWM

Sorry but thats what happens when you date a man with children. You will come second (or third or forth if he has more than one child), best advice is say nothing - it really is none of your business. Yes thats harsh but its a fact of life.

Poor kids coming from a broken home - it might not have been your fault but you sound very unkind. Could you not try speaking to them rather than venting to strangers on a forum? They are human after all, and not the mindreaders you expect them to be.

Good luck.

Spirit_2

The petrol shortfall. Perfectly normal for a boy of 18 to have little fuel in the tank, at that age they can rarely afford to fill up. It is great that he drives and has a car as presumably your OH would otherwise drive to collect them both twice a week. I dont know the boy's situation but OH offering his son a little petrol money now and then is kind, understandable and his choice.

The food waste. Can you agree with OH that the two meals a week with his children are usually normal family meals (casserole, sausage & mash, chilli, pasta - whatever is normal for you and them) with a special supper from time to time? Dont dish up, but let the offspring help themselves, her brother will probably eat more than she does and it will even out.


If you go on from this thinking you will bite your lip, it is going to be irksome you really do need to come to terms with 'teenage'/growing up/testing boundaries. I love my DD she is 20 and lives at home which is absolutely the best thing for her at the moment, but drives me nuts:D . I would love it if she came over twice a week for supper instead. You have 5 nights a week when you have OH and your home to yourself.

I have to ask - as curiosity is killing me but what would you have done (in an MSE way) with the leftover chips on the plate if they had not been covered in sauce?

*Paris*

I have to admit, I don't know how people manage to be good step-parents, it's a bit of an impossible situation!

I think the suggestion for your partner to set up a standing order to their accounts weekly or monthly would be better than just giving them cash as and when they ask for it. If your partner is on good terms with the childrens mum, perhaps he could agree an appropriate amount with her?

It does sound as if the daughter is seeing how far she can push her dad by bringing 3 friends to the cinema without even asking first! Maybe to save money and avoid this you could go on family walks instead, or rent a film to watch at home - that way you are getting to spend time together as a family.

It's only a few years until they become adults and hopefully grow up a bit, I think it's probably best to avoid bringing the issue up and just suggest alternative cheaper ideas instead for meals & activities etc.

Good luck!