OH's children-aargh

bestpud

I am so glad the voice of reason has entered this thread at last!

Here's the thing:

They are not toddlers and they know what they are doing.

They may be affected by the split but parents can minimise this.

Their behaviour is unacceptable and there is NO excuse for not saying please or thank you!! :mad: That's nothing to do with the break up - that is just bad manners!

Would you allow a child of yours to dictate what you all eat and then leave it? I don't know any parents who allow this!

It may be common behavior for teenagers but that doesn't make it ok and that does not mean it should not be corrected!

Jeez, when did it become ok to pander to children because their parents have split? No wonder we have seen a decline in social values when people defend behaviour like this!! :mad:

I don't know what you personally can do about this OP but it is clear they have little respect for you or their dad. Don't think it is the norm as it is not - my children certainly would not behave like that (or they might but they wouldn't do it twice!) and I'm not as strict as many parents I know!

Keep talking to their dad, being careful not to seem judgmental, or critical, and he may come round - the children will be better for it if he will work with you on this and get them behaving properly.

SandC

I agree with bestpud on many things.

I don't particularly agree with the !!!!!footing around because you are not their parent, however I understand that discipline has to come from their dad and mum and not you. But, and this is a big but, when it comes to things that you are in charge of, you must be allowed to be in charge of it. I'm talking specifically about the food aspect as I posted above.

I have a stepmum and although it's a little different in that my mum died, there was no way that my brother and I would be treated any differently because of this. At the end of the day she and my dad were the adults and we played by their rules until we were also adults. So in any area where you are expected to be that adult in charge if you like, then your husband must be seen to support you. You CAN tell them off if they misbehave in your house, but you have to have your husband backing you.

Oldernotwiser

bestpud wrote: »

I am so glad the voice of reason has entered this thread at last!

Here's the thing:

They are not toddlers and they know what they are doing.

They may be affected by the split but parents can minimise this.

Their behaviour is unacceptable and there is NO excuse for not saying please or thank you!! :mad: That's nothing to do with the break up - that is just bad manners!

Would you allow a child of yours to dictate what you all eat and then leave it? I don't know any parents who allow this!

It may be common behavior for teenagers but that doesn't make it ok and that does not mean it should not be corrected!

Jeez, when did it become ok to pander to children because their parents have split? No wonder we have seen a decline in social values when people defend behaviour like this!! :mad:

I don't know what you personally can do about this OP but it is clear they have little respect for you or their dad. Don't think it is the norm as it is not - my children certainly would not behave like that (or they might but they wouldn't do it twice!) and I'm not as strict as many parents I know!

Keep talking to their dad, being careful not to seem judgmental, or critical, and he may come round - the children will be better for it if he will work with you on this and get them behaving properly.

:T :T :T :T :T

tomstickland

daphne_descends wrote: »

Being 14 is bloody hard. Being 14 and not having your dad around is harder still. Being 14, not having your dad around, and being described as a leech by his fiance, quite frankly, must suck. Cut her some slack. Poor kid.

Having a hard life doesn't justify being wasteful or ungrateful though.

Errata

It could be that the food thing is a way for some control to be exercised.
Anyhoo - if dad isn't prepared to ensure his children behave courteously in public and in someone else's house and his partner isn't prepared to explain to him the children's behaviour is intolerable and he must do something about it, there's little that can be done.

Greenbynature

bestpud wrote: »

I am so glad the voice of reason has entered this thread at last!

Here's the thing:

They are not toddlers and they know what they are doing.

They may be affected by the split but parents can minimise this.

Their behaviour is unacceptable and there is NO excuse for not saying please or thank you!! :mad: That's nothing to do with the break up - that is just bad manners!

Would you allow a child of yours to dictate what you all eat and then leave it? I don't know any parents who allow this!

It may be common behavior for teenagers but that doesn't make it ok and that does not mean it should not be corrected!

Jeez, when did it become ok to pander to children because their parents have split? No wonder we have seen a decline in social values when people defend behaviour like this!! :mad:

I don't know what you personally can do about this OP but it is clear they have little respect for you or their dad. Don't think it is the norm as it is not - my children certainly would not behave like that (or they might but they wouldn't do it twice!) and I'm not as strict as many parents I know!

Keep talking to their dad, being careful not to seem judgmental, or critical, and he may come round - the children will be better for it if he will work with you on this and get them behaving properly.

Couldn't agree more :T :T

belfastgirl23

I agree with everyone about how the children should be encouraged to have good manners.

BUT I think it would be a brave stepparent who would try to instill them. Or indeed even go too far talking about it with the parent.

Personally I think the best you can do is support your OH to do the parenting but keep stum yourself unless directly asked about something (and even then be very gentle in offering an opinion). Parents get very defensive about their children and the very last thing you'd want is to end up drawing up battle lines and finding yourself on the other side from your OH.

FairyElephant_2

Hi Coldstream!

I know where you are coming from. Step-parenting is very difficult, especially when the Birth-Mum is still around, working out what your role is in relation to the kids can take a long time and be frustrating and heartbreaking at times.

Lots of v. good sensible things have been said here so far!

I'm in a similar position to you - my DH has 3 kids (now 14,15 & 17 nearly 18) and we've been together 6 years (married 2.5). DH was on his own for 3 years previously, after his ex asked him to move out 'temporarily' whilst she 'decided what she wanted' (she'd had an affair & got PG by the other guy!). Anyhow, enough old history!

TBH, DH's kids were not all that bad when we got together - they were sensible enough to see that Dad had been very unhappy in his own, and that being with me made him a happier person (and that there was now some 'spare' money around to do stuff - he was struggling to make ends meet on his own).

However, there were lots of behaviours I found irritating, or downright unnaccaptable, and I thought it was only right to be honest with him from the start. I explained to him that whilst I loved his kids, he deserved to know what was stressing me out about them!
Food was a major one - whilst DSD (now 15) has always eaten well, and not been at all fussy - the boys were a nightmare! DH used to ask them what they wanted, list the contents of freezer, fridge & cupboard, and make them all separate meals if that's what they asked for :eek: ...and then the boys would leave half of it, and raid the kitchen themselves half an hour later! :mad: They also never cleaned up after themselves. ( I think that DH had always been so glad to have their company & time with them that he just did everything for them!).

Granted I do not have my own kids (not for lack of trying though...), but I was brought up quite strictly, to eat what I was given and not waste food etc. and even now as an adult I would not go into my mum's house and take food or even put the kettle on without asking - not that she would say no, but I just feel it is polite to ask!

After long discussions with DH we decided the only way was to 'start afresh' so we bought a house together and started from scratch there with several 'new rules' (mainly mine I have to admit!). It was a struggle at first in some areas, but with patience, love & time we have succeeded!

Eg with the food - I cook a lot from scratch (DH's Ex is apparantly a terrible cook & they have lots of ready-meals!) and we all eat the same meal, usually at the table. I put the food in serving dishes in the centre and we help ourselves, but the rule is that if you put it on your plate you must eat it (unless you are just trying a little of something new for the first time of course). Youngest DSS is very greedy, and we have had a time when he piled up his plate and then decided he couldn't eat it all - after an hour of sitting at the table, whilst everyone else had dessert and went on to play, he was allowed to leave it, but it was re-heated and served at the next meal....he has never done the same thing again! It was hard, and DH & I exchanged lots of meaningful looks when we thought one of us would cave in.....but we stuck to our guns by being strong together.

Nowadays, I'm delighted to say, the kids all love my cooking (I do try to remember what they have particularly liked so I can cook it for them again!), and oldest DS has been known to rearrange his 'social calendar' so that he can come and eat with us! They also thank me at the end of every home-cooked meal, which I think is very sweet, and not something we ever told them they should do! So it does get better - honest!

I'm not saying they are perfect, and I still have my little rants when they drink ALL the milk or manage to get through an entire packet of breakfast cereal in a day...but they are pretty much normal teens as far as I am concerned!

I could go on with loads of other examples - but sorry this has turned out such a long post already! - I guess the key thing is that you and DH need to be honest with other (for your own sanity!) and present a united front when it comes to rules and acceptable behaviours, just as birth-parents need to.
I firmly believe that children need guidance and restrictions for their own good - otherwise they will find it very difficult to adapt to the 'big world'.

Good luck! Feel free to PM me if you want a rant anytime!!!

FE