Serious problems with child behaviour

andyrules

Gingham_Ribbon wrote: »

Things seem to have got very bad if he's already violent at this age, so it seems appropriate to get some expert help. But some things I've thought of:

Does he know that his mum loves him unconditionally and will never leave him? I'm asking because his dad is presumably not around (or not around often) so there may be some issues to resolve there?

Does he get enough exercise? Do he and his mum do plenty together?

His mum needs to set clear boundaries and once they've been made clear, stick to them. If giving the benefit of the doubt means letting him away with things he's been told he must not do, then he'll continue to behave badly because he gets away with it. So yes, consistency is the key but with lots of love.

A child acting out repeatedly is doing it for a reason and that reason can be that they're hurting.

I agree entirely. We don't know why/how long/other details of his mum being a single parent, but I'm willing to bet that this child is crying out for consistency, boundaries, and affirmation that his mum (and you) will not leave him, however bad he is. The baby is a threat to the security that he has, can you be sure that he didn't suspect before you told him? Children hear much more than we realise. He seems to have become attached to you and you should take care to reassure him constantly and be ultra firm with boundaries - if you say it, do it. Don't let him see he comes between you - show him how strong you are as a team and that he is protected by this strength.

Without knowing the background, I am second guessing a lot here and can't really make any other conclusions.

However, the comments you made about him not being bothered about friends really concerns me. I'm also concerned about the attitude of his 'support worker'.

edit - whilst I'm not a fan of TV in a child's room at this age, I would be careful of sweeping changes that he sees as 'negative' for him. Perhaps a 'gaming/DVD TV', that can't get any channels? Then you have the control.

k8ty_2

This is a 'normal' seven year old. Most, if not all do it. Children today are not as well behaved or respectful as years gone by nut they are more happy, free and better educated.
I know its hard but if you think one seven year old is hard just think what it will be like in seven years with a seven and fourteen year old!!!

andyrules

k8ty wrote: »

This is a 'normal' seven year old. Most, if not all do it. Children today are not as well behaved or respectful as years gone by nut they are more happy, free and better educated.
I know its hard but if you think one seven year old is hard just think what it will be like in seven years with a seven and fourteen year old!!!

What, pull a knife?

Mely

Blue_Monkey...ive asked a perfectly valid question. If ADHD existed when i was in primary school...how come the children where generally well behaved...and no support workers? So many Children seem to have so called 'behavioural problems' these days which just means 'there naughty children'! Why werent there children with behavioural problems when i was in school...apart from the odd one....hmmmm something strange going on here! Could it be linked with lack of parental discipline,absent fathers maybe???
If additives cause problems with the childs behaviour - cut them out - simple! I didnt say that children with ADHD are the ones in gangs. I said the ones with no guidlines etc are.

gingin_2

Mely wrote: »

Is there really such a thing as ADHD? It didnt seem to exist when i was a child in school. No support workers needed in class then, and the children were generally very well behaved.....not like A LOT of them these days! I put it down to lack of discipline and absent fathers...children allowed to run the streets all time of the night and day, with no guidelines etc. Ending up with them being gangs of feral youths!:rolleyes:

Truly gobsmacked at your ignorant generalisation. Blue_monkey put it way more articulately than I could and I agree with her wholeheartedly.

Cross with myself for rising to your bait, but jeez

foreign_correspondent

andyrules wrote: »

I agree entirely. We don't know why/how long/other details of his mum being a single parent, but I'm willing to bet that this child is crying out for consistency, boundaries, and affirmation that his mum (and you) will not leave him, however bad he is. The baby is a threat to the security that he has, can you be sure that he didn't suspect before you told him? Children hear much more than we realise. He seems to have become attached to you and you should take care to reassure him constantly and be ultra firm with boundaries - if you say it, do it. Don't let him see he comes between you - show him how strong you are as a team and that he is protected by this strength.

Without knowing the background, I am second guessing a lot here and can't really make any other conclusions.

However, the comments you made about him not being bothered about friends really concerns me. I'm also concerned about the attitude of his 'support worker'.

edit - whilst I'm not a fan of TV in a child's room at this age, I would be careful of sweeping changes that he sees as 'negative' for him. Perhaps a 'gaming/DVD TV', that can't get any channels? Then you have the control.

Andyrules - you have posted just what I was going to post - without knowing what the circumstances of the split up between his mum and dad were, and how long ago this was, and what the relationship he has now with his dad is like it is hard to advise further, but I would certainly be looking at all these as being key causes of his behaviour

Also as others have said, diet is important - foods as natural as possible, and slow release carbs like oats and wholegrain bread, plenty of fruit and veg and dairy produce and omega 3 (which in some studies has been shown to have a positive effect on behavior and learning, and even without this is important for general health)

Sleep is important too - for this reason I would lose the TV and computer games from the bedroom, and encourage a regular bedtime routine - a nice quiet wind down time before bed - perhaps a nice bath, cuddles with you and his mum, reading a nice story (well - by nice I mean one that interests him- probably monsters and bogeys at his age!! :-) then settling down to sleep at the same time. I would also encourage him to get up at the same time every day.

Exercise and fresh air are also important, but perhaps most importantly he needs to feel secure and loved, and to be told this often, and hugged a lot! He needs reasurance that he is his mums special boy, and will be an important part of the new baby's life - he may feel the baby will replace him in his mums affections.

Most importantly, reward good behavior and be specific about what he has done well and why (eg. 'I was really impressed when you did x (fetched mums bag, helped unpack the shopping, whatever! - it was a really kind/ grown up/ clever thing to do') and pay as little attention to the bad behavior as possible - if you can, tactically ignoring it can be very effective.

Often children get lots of attention for negative behavior (even negative attention can be important to children) and much less for the things they do ok on - because we expect and take these for granted - look for where he has done well and make sure he knows you have noticed them. When you first start changing the way you react to him he may actally get worse for a bit, as the changes will throw him, but persevere!

ben500

mrcow wrote: »

I'm sorry but Id have absolute zero tolerance
If he ever pulls a knife on you again.Call the police. He could probably do with having a word with them anyway! He needs to learn his lessons quickly and vividly.

Wow! I was going to post myself but MrCow's post above about sums up the situation beautifully. (I've cut most of it out so as not to stretch the thread out unecessarily)

Don't give this child enough time to think about major behaviour keep his mind occupied with the minor transgressions and jump on every one, seldom have I seen sound advice like that MrCow has provided in his (I presume a male given the title) post.

foreign_correspondent

ben500 wrote: »

Wow! I was going to post myself but MrCow's post above about sums up the situation beautifully. (I've cut most of it out so as not to stretch the thread out unecessarily)

Don't give this child enough time to think about major behaviour keep his mind occupied with the minor transgressions and jump on every one, seldom have I seen sound advice like that MrCow has provided in his (I presume a male given the title) post.

really? - I take it you have little experience in this field then? - I felt it was spectacularly poor advice and likely to create far more problems for this little boy and his family.

twinklyspecialkag

Hi, really sorry to hear that your in such a tough situation.

Im not sure from the thread if you've done this already (sorry if i missed it!!) but the first step it to talk to your GP about getting him referred to CAMHS (child and adolescent mental health service)for a psychological assessment. From there they will be able to offer you appropriate support. If your stuck on the waiting list then keep calling CAMHS and your GP to stress how desperate the situation is. Stress the risk to your partner & the baby. Its sad but the higher the risk the quicker he will get an appointment.

Good Luck!!

blue_monkey_2

ADHD did exist, as I said, my brother had it but no-one would help my mum. We lived in a village that had a 'Special School' as it used to be called for children with 'problems' and one sniff of a 'special need' they stuck them all in one school together. My friends brothers went there - they had the same problems as my son has now. My aunt went to a special school because she was frightened of men after being abused. That is why no-one ever saw children who had other needs - they were hidden from view.

As I say, unless you cook every food yourself from scratch it is hard to avoid any sort of additive, almost everything has something in it that can cause a reaction but you get to learn what your children react to, if this mum is not realising then she will not know, I even have to watch which Fish Fingers I give the children, if they have something frozen it will be Birds Eye as they promise no additives. Read the back of a Bernard Matthews label and your hair will curl, but who would realise?

If there was no such thing as all of these disorders then why do they diagnose them? The kids should be getting the help they need but they do not because of the hideous waiting lists because of government cut backs - I have this in writing. As you noted - there was no support workers back then - because the children that needed help were in the special schools. The special schools got pulled down so developers could stick 5 bedroom houses on them so now they have to go to school with kids that do not need help hence you seeing more children that need help.

Right or wrong - you decide - my 4 year old son has had tests and is 2 years above average intelligence for a child of his age, just that his condition, which is a form of Autism, does not make him understand how to deal with people and situations so he deals with them in his way - only his way is not really acceptable in social situations but it means he has a learning difficulty and cannot learn how to deal with these situations the same way other children of his age do. Years ago he would probably of had to go to a special school.

I'd love to say my son was just naughty but it is not the case and the 4 doctors I have seen to date will tell you this, as do the letters sitting beside me. I am married, his dad lives with us, I cannot even remember the last cross word we had in front of the children, we are teetotal, do not go out and do not swear in front of the kids. Our lives revolve around them.

However, half of these kids out on the streets - years ago if the parents found out they had been in trouble at school or with the police they'd be in for a good hiding when they got home so they kept out of trouble. Just what incentive is there for these kids keeping out of trouble? Oh yes, an ASBO. My husband told me that when his dad was younger and got into trouble the police would take them round the corner and give them a clip round the ear, and if he told his dad he'd get another clip around the ear for being in trouble with the police. Nowadays the aprents are down the solicitors suing. So, maybe this is where we have gone wrong in society, if you cannot punish your own kids then what reason do they have to respect you? Not all kids in trouble come from broken homes, I'd also say it was more that both parents have to work and are happy to let their kids walk in and out around the streets all day til they get in.

Where I used to live the kids there aged 7 and 8 used to be at home all day on their own, I called the police one day as they were making fires and would not stop when I asked them and I did not want something of mine catching fire, and the police told me that he had found the kids alone and babysitting a 5 year old, he had 'spoken' to the mother who had assured him that it would not happen again. As I was on the phone to the policeman she drove up having left the kids on their own again. I am more shocked that Social Services wee not advised of these kids myself. So where does the problem lie? Who actually cares?

But the kids with ADHD are the ones getting the help so please do not confuse these children with behaviour problems with the ones who are mugging old ladies and being yobbos - the kids getting the help are getting the help because we care and for this reason we ensure that they are not getting into trouble.