The miscarriage support and TTC after miscarriage thread

Tiger_greeneyes

Hi Wendy

I've no doubts that the comment would have come across as harsh and the timing could have been so much better. As an explanation for the comment, when you know you can't ever become pregnant, it is the biggest kick in the teeth that a woman could ever have - your whole life feels like it's completely pointless and that you're an utter failure as a woman - you can't do the one most natural thing your body was made to do. Everytime someone around you becomes pregnant then you feel even more of a failure. When the baby is born, you want to scream at the unfairness of it all.

I have no doubts that the comment was a) meant to console you as she sees it that you still have every chance of having a baby and b) a knee jerk reaction as it's such a highly emotive subject - she wouldn't have seen it as being tactless. I'm 100% sure it wasn't said to upset you on purpose - there were many many years that I'd have just been thankful to be able to become pregnant, even if it didn't end well - because it would have meant that there was still a glimmer of hope for me - no matter how tiny, it wouldn't be the end of the road - it wasn't final.

I've been unfortunate enough to be on both ends of the stick - it was a miracle that I became pregnant because I don't ovulate. After losing that baby and the 5 ivf embryos, it still wasn't nearly as painful as knowing I'd reached the end of the road and to know that I would never have a baby to call me mummy.

That was pretty much where your friend was coming from, don't hold it against her, she really wouldn't have meant any harm - there really are no winners in fertility problems.

Anyway, I'll leave it there because my OH is home and I don't want him to see me upset! I'm truly glad it worked out for you and I hope the above helps you put your friends comment into the context it would have been meant

skintchick

Tiger - thanks for posting that.

GracieP

My friend just text me to say his wife is going into labour. I feel a bit like I've been kicked in the stomach. I am happy for them, but it's making me feel sadder for me. And I feel awful for not being excited for them.

skintchick

GracieP wrote: »

My friend just text me to say his wife is going into labour. I feel a bit like I've been kicked in the stomach. I am happy for them, but it's making me feel sadder for me. And I feel awful for not being excited for them.

Aw Gracie, don;t feel bad. You ARE happy for them but of course it is hard to get excited. They will understand. :A

Tiger_greeneyes

Skintchick - you're welcome

GracieP, I feel your pain. It makes you detest yourself even more. For me, now I'm in my 40's, the people around me have pretty much all finished adding to their families so it gets a bit easier - in as much as it's "out of sight, out of mind".

It's at times like that that I felt as though the universe was conspiring against me, and I got an irrational feeling that everyone was having babies out of spite. Of course I know it's not true but the depth of the pain could be so severe that I had to battle against it every time it happened. It's exhausting and negative and I hated myself for being so irrational - but at the same time, I couldn't help it because that kind of thought was spontaneous.

Thankfully, I've got the age where people have stopped asking when I'll be "getting the ball rolling" on that score. I've got polycystic ovary syndrome, fibroids and endometriosis on top of it all and although it's reassuring to have a reason for my infertility, my tummy is always swollen and I look about 5 months pregnant. In my 20's, I was continually asked "when's it due".

Because some of my symptoms mimic pregnancy, every month for over 20 years I'd be buying pregnancy tests and keeping my fingers crossed. It confused the hell out of me sometimes - I didn't bother with the whole boyfriend thing for a couple of years but still had pregnancy symptoms, despite not having had sex in all that time! I think that's why I feel as strong as I do - it's been at the forefront of my mind every month for over 20 years.

Even though I've accepted my 'fate' and made my peace as best I can, every so often the subject rears it's head again.

I've had two offers of surrogacy - one from my best friend who has a serious heart problem (which I turned down) and another from a family member who subsequently fell pregnant and had a hard time with the birth - she has pretty much said she's not having any more babies.

I do apologise if I've hijacked this thread, if my experiences can help just one person then it's worth my taking the time and opening up

skintchick

Tiger_greeneyes wrote: »

I do apologise if I've hijacked this thread, if my experiences can help just one person then it's worth my taking the time and opening up

Of course you haven't! This thread is for anyone to come on and talk about anything related to mc, so you can post whatever you want.

Tiger_greeneyes

Thank you

woozywendy

Tiger- thanks for your post. We are still friends it was just the timing of what she said, and we did talk afterwards. I was willing to donate eggs to her and her oh for ivf but was told I was not suitable due to the mcs. The hardest thing when I got pregnant was telling my sister as she could not have children of her own.

Tiger_greeneyes

You're welcome Wendy I'm glad you're still friends - there's no reason not to be tbh, you're both coming from completely different angles and it can be very difficult to understand where the other one is coming from when it's so emotionally charged. That was a very generous offer you made of donating eggs - I know myself just how much that would have meant to her.

As for your sister - I agree, that would have been a hard time for her but I bet she's an amazing auntie and wouldn't begrudge you your little one for a second I'm an auntie to practically a class full of kids (over 20 - including a great niece and nephew) ranging in age from 34 years down to 2 months - so they keep me pretty busy and I love them all to bits. I had a comment from one niece (9 years old) recently "when are you coming to see us Bev, you make everything fun" - you don't know how lovely that was to hear I'm sure your sister will have lots of moments like that, too - us aunties don't miss out entirely

Peter_Pan

I miscarried in 1990, i had pains from about 7weeks and was sent for scan and everything looked fine,you could see a heartbeat, then i went for my routine 12 week scan and as the pain had gone was really looking forward to it.
I went in and the person doing scan spent ages running the ultrasound over my stomach and not saying anything, she said she wanted to get a 2nd opinion and would i mind waiting which i did in the waiting area for over 3/4hr.
After a 2nd person taking a look i was told there was nothing there and i must have miscarried - i had no bleeding so they said my body must have absorbed it probably around the time of my first scan and they would book me in for d&C in case anything was left, I went back to work in a daze and it wasn't until someone asked if i had a photo that i broke down and was sent home.

I am the mum fo three lovely children age 17, 16 and 9 but still sometimes finding myself thinking what it would have been a girl or boy and picturing what they would be like now.