HUbby says I am tight with money

JimmyTheWig

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Of course, you could always set up a separate, private account under your sole control and forget to mention it to him.

There's got to be a hundred different things to try before this last resort.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

I am presuming you haven't been in a situation when the first time you found out that your dearly beloved has been spending the rent money on other things is when you recieve a notice of seeking possession and a bailiff banging on the door...

As horrible as your situation sounds, the problem was that your OH was keeping you in the dark about money matters. That's where things started to go wrong. The answer to this _isn't_ to keep a future partner in the dark about money matters.

margaretclare wrote: »

OTOH our TV set appears to be 'dying' on us so we need to think about that, and look around. We don't want a huge one, and as someone else has said, plasma, what would that do for me? We don't watch enough TV to justify spending what some people would happily spend on a TV.

OT, I know, but have you tried freecycle? Like you, we have no need for plasma and recently got a wonderful new TV for nothing.

JimmyTheWig

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

I am sure that I must be misunderstanding you, as it appears that you would dump your partner if she were to have her own money. Does that mean that you do not have a penny of your own to spend without her say so? I must have got that wrong.

I believe Womans Aid and the other domestic violence charities also strongly reccommend everyone having some financial independence. I can't see how protecting yourself and your family can ever be a bad thing and I would find alarm bells ringing at top volume if anyone I knew said their OH wouldn't stand for it.

I don't think that it is the financial independence that is the problem. The problem is the secrecy.
If it was agreed that one or both partners should hold some money in their own names for emergencies I don't have a problem with that. But if one does it behind the other's back then, for me, that sets the alarm bells ringing.

Obviously if there is a threat of domestic violence then that changes everything. I wouldn't suggest anyone tell a potentially violent partner that they are stashing money aside. But this is not the issue with the OP.

Idiophreak

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

I am sure that I must be misunderstanding you, as it appears that you would dump your partner if she were to have her own money. Does that mean that you do not have a penny of your own to spend without her say so? I must have got that wrong.

I believe Womans Aid and the other domestic violence charities also strongly reccommend everyone having some financial independence. I can't see how protecting yourself and your family can ever be a bad thing and I would find alarm bells ringing at top volume if anyone I knew said their OH wouldn't stand for it.

It may appear to be a lighthearted comment, but I think many people, male and female, have found out to their cost, the consequences of complete financial codependence.

JTW's hit this one on the head. There's a *vast, gaping, awe-inpiringly* large gap between people having financial independence in a relationship and people effectively conning their OH to get it. If you want to have your own account, for a rainy day, or whatever, that's fine, I guess...You say "hi OH, I've decided that I want to start a savings account for myself. So I'm going to take £100 a month out of the joint account for it. You can do what you want with your £100."

Same end result, no lies / moral ambiguity in the process.

Rummer

We have a slightly different situation in our home, we are still making our way out of debt and I believe that by reigning in the belt on everyday things ie turning the lights out, meal plan etc then we can have more money to spend on the CC and luxuries in life. However my OH does not understand the value of little MS things and gets really grumpy :mad: if I remind him to turn things off at the socket. He sees the short term view where as I plan more for the future ( although food is our mutual weakness on which we spend far too much). Anyway it makes me feel a bit calmer knowing that MSE does not go smoothly in all families and that I am not alone .

doelani

thanks for all the replies

not going to try and do quotes as to many lol but

I have a different idea to hubby how much we need for "emergency" I think this is where the problem is. I would add we do without nothing we "need" , we do ok I just cannot justify spending for the sake of it .

We always had a weekend away before christmas until I became ill 2 years ago, spending 2 days in a hotel room trying to get a flight abck home is no fun lol.

Our holiday next year is just for me and hubby, my kids all adults and his get holiday every second year with us. Hubby works hard and I can see why he wants a weekend away but another issue is my health, another story lol

I think the biggest problme is from when we got in debt, it was so hard having to watch every penny, not being able to buy new clothes unless we had some overtime etc.

I used to love to spend, to much in fact, new cars, laatest technoligy, clothes, 2-3 holidays a year. It was ok when it was on credit cards but when it is acually cash I think about it first and think again and again.

I do not know what the answer is , probally never will :rotfl:

belfastgirl23

I guess I fall somewhere in between - I have savings in my own name that DH doesn't know about, not because it's a secret but because he is really not that interested...or rather he does know about them but not any idea how much is in them etc...but we run a system where we both contribute to joint expenses via the joint account and then do whatever we want with whatever is left over. In practice though i know a lot more about what he does with his money than vice versa. And we do always consult each other over big spends...

I guess what I'm saying is set up an account in your name if you want and don't talk about it if you don't want but don't hide it either...if he is useless with money he won't notice/won't care....

misspenny

my step dad is saving crazy my mum always reminds him that he wont be able to spend it in heaven... she has a point

Paparika

doelani wrote: »

OK a little background............

From my signature you will see we got inot a lOT of debt a few years ago which is now all paid, we are debt free apart from normal , mortgage, utility bills, car insurance etc.

Over the last few months we have managed to save quite a bit, have a healthy emergency fund, have a savings account for next years holiday ( big holiday costing £2k :eek: ) but all affordable.

Anything hubby needs sorry should say wants he gets, I never spend money on myself on extra's, took my 4 months to buy the new pair of shoes I needed lol I look after the finances so if hubby wants to buy anything has not got enough money ( I mean if over £50 ) he will ask if spare money in bank.

Well a few days ago he suggested a weekend away , I do not wnat to go , well I do but just cannot justify spending about £250 for weekend plus spending money. We do have the money but I want to keep it in the bank. I have also been trying to save energy around the house, not use tumble dryer etc and this is when hubby said I was tight, have the money and will not spend it .

After so long struggling I just want a back up, I take £xx for shopping each week and every 4-5 weeks any spare I have go into savings.

Anyone else have this problem ? One partner saves other does not see the point?

Tell hubby that the reason you have some savings is because your tight with money, stand your ground

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

JimmyTheWig wrote: »

There's got to be a hundred different things to try before this last resort.


As horrible as your situation sounds, the problem was that your OH was keeping you in the dark about money matters. That's where things started to go wrong. The answer to this _isn't_ to keep a future partner in the dark about money matters.


I would disagree - the problem was that I never expected that he would turn out to rate spending on himself above keeping a roof over my children's heads. Had I kept a separate account, I would have been able to deal with the sudden influx of demands without problems. He had always been the one to go on about openness, trust and family togetherness, and I had fallen for it. Never, ever again.

Everyone needs some security and I don't see how letting the OH know that you have money when they aren't as sensible around cash as you are is a good idea. As can be proven by the fact that he tried to steal my wages after he had walked out.

Think we'll just have to continue disagreeing on this one.

Idiophreak

Jojo_the_Tightfisted wrote: »

Everyone needs some security and I don't see how letting the OH know that you have money when they aren't as sensible around cash as you are is a good idea. As can be proven by the fact that he tried to steal my wages after he had walked out.

It's good to see you've learnt your lesson...This time around you'll steal his money first! Woo!