HELP : Mother-in-Law at Xmas!

margaretclare

Hi niece

Have a look at this:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/4016969.stm

The guy in the picture talking about having his knees under a desk is my 'nearest and dearest'.

Love

Aunty Margaret

La_Fenice

Hi niece

Have a look at this:

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/uk/4016969.stm

The guy in the picture talking about having his knees under a desk is my 'nearest and dearest'.

Love

Aunty Margaret

oooooh you've got your very own computer expert.....lucky you!

jaybee

Wow! I nearly know a famous person now!!!

Bossyboots

Sorry to resurrect this but I just wondered how the original poster was getting on and to update on my position.

Mother-in-law is still saying that she wants a quiet Christmas at home. I had been prepared to concede her coming to us on Christmas Day, for entirely selfish reasons in that I do not want to end up sat at her house all day Boxing Day with nothing to do.

However she has, apparently (I suspect hubby has invited her behind my back), said she does not want to come to us. She says she feels unwell and does not want people to see her like that. She says that she does not want to be around lots of people and found last year difficult.

I still feel we are being manipulated. I told my hubby that she will spend Christmas Day crying if she is alone but he insists that she insists that is what she wants. Of course our day will be spoilt either way because hubby in particular will be worrying about her being on her own. My feelings now are that what she really wants is to be invited to us Boxing Day when she imagines it will be just us. We have had an invite out for the evening on Boxing Day and had thought about going out for dinner as my son will be out all day and my daughter is working.

Sometimes I feel horribly selfish but just at the moment I feel extremely put upon and ready to cry.

christmas_donkey

have asked my mother what she is doing for christmas this year. Last year she was invited to my house for christmas but accepted an invitation to my cousins house on christmas eve. Whilst I was somewhat relieved, I was totally annoyed that she had totally disregarded the arrangements I had made for christmas day. She made me feel second best (as usual)

However, I have asked her what she is doing this year, the first response was 'dig myself a hole and bury myself in it'. I asked again the week after and she said 'I dont know yet' (In other words, she hasnt had the phone call from my cousin who has taken pity on her for having such cruel children).

This morning my husband announced we were going out for christmas dinner - he heard me talking to my daughter about inviting Nan for christmas dinner and I think he is trying his best to get out of it. Good job the place was fully booked as I dont know what I would have done then. However, he has still got to ferry her from her flat to my house as I dont drive.

I shouldnt feel the way I do about her, I feel guilty but unfortunately I cant help it.

Its going to be an awkward christmas if she comes as like I say, I havent seen her for 4 months - although, my daughter pops in once a week just to check she is ok.

Aunty Margaret, your husband must not only be quite a clever man, hes got a lovely gentle face.

elona

Bossyboots

If it helps you have all my sympathy

I know that whatever happens you feel it has cast a shadow over the day.

Please take the invitation to go out to dinner and enjoy yourself.

You cannot do more than offer and you cannot make people happy especially if they enjoy wallowing in misery.


Have you tried singing loudly " Always look on the bright side of life"

After a few verses you either get carried away ( removing you from the problem) or feel things get more into perspective.


The term "psychic vampire " could have been invented for both yours and cashlesses relative.

They have leached the joy out of their lives and are intent on doing the same to you.


Good luck.

Lillibet_2

Update :
Well, we thought we had made it clear to my S-I-L that we would not be inviting M-i-L to stay this year. However, last week S-i-L phones & asks if we have made a decision as she heard we were free over New Year! I simply said it wasn't convenient and left it at that. Don't think we are her favourite relatives but we are sticking to our guns.
I have since discovered that I am pregnant ;D & quite honestly, I don't feel too great :-/ (all day morning sickness, very very tired & generally not with it!) so I think even if we had invitied her to stay, we would have had to have cancelled the invitation as I just don't feel upto dealing with visitors much!
God only knows what next year will bring, we'll worry about that nearer the time!
Good luck to eveyone battling family issues this year & a very merry Christmas to you all

margaretclare

Hi all

I do sympathise very much with all you nice young people struggling to do your best for yourselves and all the disagreeing relatives. You deserve much better and much more courteous treatment from your in-laws, parents, family members who seem bent on making the supposed 'season of goodwill' into quite the opposite.

I really detest the kind of people who say one thing but mean entirely the opposite e.g. 'I prefer to be on my own at Christmas'. Translated: 'I expect you to guess what this really means, that I expect to be ferried around/given a meal/entertained for one or more days, and if you don't do this I will find ways to make your life hell for the whole of next year'.

We were out last evening. Last week we went to a seasonal dinner with the rest of Barry's 'silver surfers' group - these are people taking advantage of a scheme set up by the local authority with Govt/lottery/Europe funding, to get older people involved with computers. Barry is using his skills and expertise as one of the volunteer helpers. What a lot of lovely people they were. Lively, smart, well-dressed, cheerful. What a joy. Barry paid for that. Last evening it was my turn - it was a charity seasonal meal at an Indian restaurant and we didn't know quite what to expect as we were told that the menu was all vegan, even the wine!!! As we're carnivores, well, omnivores really, we thought 'give it a go, see what it's like'. Which is what we do. Anyway, again it was a cheerful, enjoyable occasion. We met some lovely people. And I do find that if you are open and friendly to people, willing to try different things even if it's not what you're used to, you usually have a good time and enjoy the occasion.

One of the strangest occasions I had in the past year was when Barry's daughter Jo got married (in Jamaica, for the 3rd time) and she was having a party in the back garden. I met his first ex-wife...now, that felt really strange. Jo was obviously a bit nervous, I asked her to introduce us, and she did. We shook hands, said how nice it was to meet each other. Her mum said 'I've heard a lot about you' and I got the impression she could ve got quite chatty and wanted to know a lot about me, how we came to meet etc etc, but I didn't allow myself to be drawn, just kept it on a level of politeness, chatted to other people. There are these social occasions, weddings, funerals, Christmas etc and you just have to behave politely. Of course I wouldn't have dreamed of spoiling the party for Jo and her husband, embarrassing everybody, runing everything when Jo and her friends had worked so hard and were so happy - but my point is: some people would have! Not me, though.

I keep getting asked 'what are you doing for Christmas, are you seeing the family, are you going to them/are they coming to you'. Now we genuinely do want a quiet Christmas on our own even though people who know we have family in the Midlands/North find it hard to believe. We will phone everybody Christmas morning, my brother in Liverpool, my daughter in Leeds, Barry's family in and around Derby/Nottingham. We don't do presents. We're not even planning to go to church Christmas morning, because the commercialisation that we dislike so much has crept in even there. We're planning to have a leg of lamb from the local butcher, will put it into the oven on the timer, then go down to a local nature reserve to see the migrant birds on the estuary. And if it's mild and sunny, we'll have an ice-cream on the sea-front. An ideal way to spend Christmas in my opinion, and as long as we are together and we know that all the family members are well and happy, we don't need anything else. But people really seem to find it hard to understand why we're not 'seeing all the family for Christmas'. Just because that is the convention, I guess, and we are not people who ever cared much for the conventions!

Thank you for the kind words. Yes, Barry is an absolute darling. He's had a good career in engineering until the decline in UK manufacturing industry, then he took a new direction, into IT, was kicked out on his 67th birthday. He's happier here and now, living with me, was very badly-treated in 2 marriages. I couldn't believe my good fortune, falling madly in love aged 62 after widowhood and redundancy. Yes, he has a kind and gentle face. I love him to bits, and it's my pleasure to do things that give him pleasure, because he always shows his pleasure so clearly.

Things happen in life and you could get very bitter. But what's the point? Bitterness does no harm to whoever/whatever you think has harmed you, it only harms yourself and destroys any chance of future happiness. I agree that sometimes relatives can be like leeches, sucking the life out of you. People try to control and manipulate you. All you can do is to say a very firm 'NO' and keep on saying it.

With very best wishes to all of you, congratulations on the pregnancy, Lillibet, and I hope that you all have a healthy and prosperous New Year.

Aunty Margaret

Jay-Jay_4

I have since  discovered that I am pregnant ;D

WOW

[move][/move]Well done Lillibet , hope your tiredness/sickness passes soon. They do say that the 'crapper' you feel the healthier the baby

Lillibet_2

Thanks Jay-Jay
I am hoping that feeling bad now means an easier birth later! Well, I can hope!!!!