HELP : Mother-in-Law at Xmas!

margaretclare

Nobody knows what lies around the corner...my father died 10 years ago and even though he was a stubborn old goat at times and even now I remember more rows than cuddles I still wish I could mend some of the rifts that took place between us and that he was here for one more christmas :-/

You are so right when you say none of us can know what's round the corner.

I last saw my younger daughter L at the end of November 2002. There had been a split between the sisters in which I had a part (and how I bitterly regret that now, even though I do still feel that younger daughter was unfairly treated by her elder sister H - but how unimportant it all seems). H had attempted to hold out the hand of friendship, she had turned up in person to invite L to her 20th wedding rededication of vows, but L was in bed with a migraine and L's husband wouldn't allow H in. How things would have been different if they had actually accepted the invitation and gone...it was an opportunity. We went, and it was a lovely occasion. Anyway, L was here just 2 yrs ago now, we walked down the garden together and I said to her 'This will all be yours one day'. She squeezed my arm and said 'I hope not for a very long time'. They had a nice Christmas that year, L had just got her 'dream job' and been in it for 6 weeks...she died on the evening of 30th December.

How I regret all that now...it seems so unimportant.

But nevertheless, I still think there is no excuse for people being cantankerous 'just because they're old'. 'Why change the habit of a lifetime...' yes, that's true! As the GP I spoke to all those years ago said, they have spent decades pushing people away, being awkward and unpleasant, it's not just because they got old. If your Mom bought her son a car to take her shopping, why didn't he use the car to take her shopping - did he have some excuse for that? Presumably he wanted the car just for his own use.

I was talking to a friend only yesterday, she's had 35 years of suffering from her in-laws. Her M-I-L would like to go into a home, and really that would be the best solution for them at the stage they've now reached, but F-I-L won't hear of it, so they have Social Services people running in and out, meals-on-wheels, you name it, although they get meals delivered from a local restaurant weekends and Bank Holidays. Anyway the meals-on-wheels volunteer (they only come Monday - Friday) asked M-I-L what happens about weekends, and instead of just saying 'thanks for asking, but it's all sorted' said very rudely 'Mind your own business!'

This is the kind of thing I mean - absolutely no excuse, simple politeness costs nothing. No excuse whether you're 80, 18 or 8.

Well, that's my viewpoint, anyway! And welcome to my new niece, La_Fenice!

Margaret

trafalgar_2

"This is the kind of thing I mean - absolutely no excuse, simple politeness costs nothing. No excuse whether you're 80, 18 or 8. "

I agree and I do understand your view

La_Fenice

 And welcome to my new niece, La_Fenice!

Margaret

Bossyboots

Nobody knows what lies around the corner...my father died 10 years ago and even though he was a stubborn old goat at times and even now I remember more rows than cuddles I still wish I could mend some of the rifts that took place between us and that he was here for one more christmas :-/

I hope this doesn't come across as a guilt trip post but although I love my mother she too can be a cantancerous old sod and she has not necessarily helped the herself and she is lonely too sometimes because of her own doing but  I also have a duty to her ..................................................she gave me life and you only get one mother and I will move heaven and earth to make sure I don't have regrets when she turns that corner :-/



Sorry if anyone is offended...just my personal view

You are entitled to your view which is an extremely valid one.

I too have thoughts like that but after 25 years of manipulation you do get a bit worn down.

My mother-in-law is actually a lovely lady who would do anything for anyone.  Unfortunately the adage "give her an inch and she'll take a mile" could have been written for her.   When you do try to do something nice for her, there is always some sort of "comeback".  I daren't mention even in passing that we have some free time over the weekend as every single time she has telephoned expecting my husband to drive her somewhere or other.  Now we invent things at the weekend but of course would always be there for her in a genuine emergency.  Perversly, she will telephone my husband for something trivial that she could sort out herself but did not ring us the day she fell down the stairs and broke her leg.  She hobbled about for four days before someone more forceful than me drove her to the hospital.

Most recently I said I would take her to hospital as she had to stay in a couple of nights.  I always make sure it is me that takes her for things like this and any appointments where she is having tests or getting results.  A friend takes her for the routine things.  Long story short - on the day she was discharged she telephoned me at 9.00 a.m. to say the nurse was just doing the paperwork and she could go.  Now I know she wanted to get away as quickly as possible but I could not just drop what I was doing at work at that instant to go and collect her.  When I did get there and ran in to tell her I was parked illegally, it took her 20 minutes to see the nurse and say goodbye to the girl in the bed next to her. ::)

trafalgar_2

I should add that my cantancerous mother has tried the patience of many in my family................she had six kids and only 3 (of which I'm one and the two others under constant protest)bother with her at all so I can see both sides of the argument.

mink35

Slightly off topic but I'm throwing in my two-penn'orth about M-i-Ls!

We've lived in the house we're in now for 15 years and mine M-i-L hasn't ever set foot in it! She was invited to come and look round when we moved in but decided not to and is apparently still waiting for a 'proper' invite!

My hubby is very close to her and sees her every day, taking her shopping etc but she won't come to our house until we actually say something along the lines of 'would you like to come round for dinner at 7.30 pm on the evening of Thursday 12 Never' ;D Apparently just saying she is always welcome and can come round at any time isn't correct!

margaretclare

My hubby is very close to her and sees her every day, taking her shopping etc but she won't come to our house until we actually say something along the lines of 'would you like to come round for dinner at 7.30 pm on the evening of Thursday 12 Never'  ;D Apparently just saying she is always welcome and can come round at any time isn't correct!

I am absolutely amazed at some of the revelations that have come in this thread. Yours is a case in point - I've no idea what's meant by a 'proper invitation' or why she can't just drop by informally.

And I am also amazed by the mothers who expect their sons to drive them - take them shopping etc. I scarcely dare whisper the words 'not heard of Internet shopping then, get your groceries, books, toiletries, you name it, actually delivered to the door? Do your banking online, your savings, the lot?'

I am really, genuinely amazed by what seems to be 'my' generation - I'm 69. I thought we were supposed to be healthier, better-educated, livelier, more 'with-it' than any previous generation? Depending on sons to drive you around, maybe when he's trying to relax after a busy week, coping with own family needs, own shopping, kids to swimming gala etc...if I really had no other option and had to go out to do shopping, I'd take a taxi. However, I bank online (pension arrives Monday, £100 extra supposedly for winter fuel arrived yesterday, my husband's pension arrived yesterday together with his £100). We don't live near enough to drop into sons' and daughters' homes, but we keep in touch by phone. B has just been phoning some of his and has been given all the news. One of the grandkids won an award at a swimming gala, another one is greatly into music, another one is a champion gymnast - it's nice to hear about all their doings, and so long as we know they're all OK then we're not into making demands on them. They all have busy lives, know we love them and are proud of them, so it doesn't matter that we don't see them all that often.

How old are these women who demand or blackmail to be taken shopping? If we ever go to the local Tesco at a weekend (not if we can avoid it!) we often wonder why so many older people are there, after all they've got all week to do it, and could pick a day when it's less busy (B often goes late at night, 24-hr opening) but probably it's because they are relying on younger family members to drive them.

I'm glad I can drive - when we change this car it will be for an automatic, and I intend to stay independent as long as possible. Don't tell me I'm such a rarity!

Aunty Margaret

christmas_donkey

My mother in law can beat many of yours. She actually tried to pay me to leave her son alone.

My sin? I was a divorcee with two children.

In the end, she threw her son out because of me, and as he had nowhere to live, came running to me. To be honest, I didnt actually fall in love with him immediately and if she hadnt have thrown him out I dont know if we would be still together.

Bossyboots

My mother-in-law drives but cannot drive in the dusk-dark.

She does do her own shopping still, it is longer journeys that become a problem.

She is always saying she does not have enough money but we worked it out that if she got rid of her car and took taxis she would be much better off. She has a motorised scooter for getting about locally (which I paid the insurance on for her) and only needs to go into town to do a supermarket shop. She usually takes two friends with her (who do not contribute to her petrol or other expenses) so if they split a taxi between three of them she would actually be better off.

My hubby and I have had a discussion about Christmas today. We went to a local cafe for lunch so it would remain a civilised discussion. He feels obliged to invite her for Christmas Day but so far I am putting my foot down. He accused me of being inflexible! I gave him some tactics to persuade her to go to her sister's or invite her sister to her, in which case they could all come to us Boxing Day. I'm afraid I also gave him some home truths about his family (not for the first time) which he is digesting.

I love his family, they are warm loving people. Unfortunately they are very secular and can be amazingly selfish. They really do have a problem with remembering that those of us that have married into the family also have families of our own to consider at festive times and need to make arrangements to see them as well. The situation has been worse since hubby's cousin's wife lost her parents as she no longer has that commitment and her siblings do not live close enough for them to see every year.

jockettuk

my ex mother in law actually contributed to my marriage break up .. once i had given them the grandchild they wanted (son couldnt do it on his own) she started saying things abt me got so bad she acused me of stealing money from her and sending her things in the post etc.. she totally excluded me at christmas buying for ex and daughter i got absolutly nothing .. ex stood by her and his dad and she slowly convinced him that i was stealing etc .. i had lost my mum when i was six months pregnant and when my daughter was a yr old i started to grieve for my mum she used all this to turn my ex against me and slowly it killed our love for each other.. she even tried to pay me off when we seperated by giving me money to go away and leave my child.. i didnt accept told her were to shove it ..

up side to all this is i have a fantastic new partner who i know whould never put me second to his family...

modified cos can't spell lol