HELP : Mother-in-Law at Xmas!

margaretclare

someone ought to tell people that just because your related to someone, doesnt give them the right to say what the hell they like to you - no matter how it hurts your feelings.[/i]

I am firmly of the opinion that people DO NOT have the right to say and do hurtful things 'just because they're family'. I have made that clear on a number of occasions. Nor do they have the right to say upsetting things 'just because they're old people'.

Then there was another earbashing I got over new year which hurt me deeply and I havent seen her since.  Unfortunately, it was a case of my own sanity.  

Ah, families, families....

The last ear-bashing I got was from my brother-in-law, who said that 'his brother had had 3 weddings, he hadn't been to any of them, and he couldn't have come to our wedding because it was in a church'. Well, he wasn't invited anyway, our wedding was a very simple informal one with people only coming if they wanted to. We did have a lovely time, knowing that the people there had come just because they wanted to, because they were on our side and were happy for us. Weddings are a bit like Christmas, people feel they 'should be' invited....

My husband 'married out' the first time around, thereby upsetting all his family, and our wedding (his 3rd), in a church, did not upset his cousin who was happy to be his best man!

People's expectations of what you should do, the way they think they can dictate to you their views and way of living, we've broken away from it and made our views clear. I think if older people want to be invited they should make themselves agreeable and pleasant to be with so that you would want to be with them, not feel a duty or an obligation.

I was amazed at the comment above that someone's M-I-L had spent 17 Christmases just because she was divorced from F-I-L!! It may seem too late to do anything about this, after 17 years it's harder to break the pattern, easier not to let the pattern form in the first place. But still, it could be done. After divorce, she should have taken the opportunity to start a new life, do what she really wanted to do - there are stacks of things out there to get interested in. I applaud my brave daughter for seeing looming redundancy as an opportunity to do something she's long wanted to do - a Classics degree, and some of the redundancy money will pay for it, the first couple of years anyway. That's the kind of thinking I really applaud - not this 'oh I'm an old woman and you owe me...' Can't do with it!!!

I also had a M-I-L from hell, but that's another story.

Best wishes to all

Margaret

La_Fenice

It saddens me greatly that there is so much ill-feeling in families these days. Just wish I had some relatives to fall out with...

*wonder if MargaretClare would like to adopt me..she sounds really nice :-*

christmas_donkey

It saddens me greatly that there is so much ill-feeling in families these days.  Just wish I had some relatives to fall out with...

Yes, but think of the heartache you are saving yourself.  Not a day goes by without me thinking of my mother, grieving for what could have been, but I am a grown up now, I know, after many many years of our relationship being tricky, its not going to change now I am in my 40s.

margaretclare

It saddens me greatly that there is so much ill-feeling in families these days.  Just wish I had some relatives to fall out with...

*wonder if MargaretClare would like to adopt me..she sounds really nice :-*

Thank you for the compliment! Well, I have lots of younger friends, but I can always make space for others. I no longer have many relatives on 'my' side of the family - most have died off, but I'm glad that I'm once again in contact with elder daughter, and I'm very proud of her and of the grandchildren (youngest one started in Sixth Form recently, elder 2 are grown-up and independent).

I think there has always been ill-feeling in families. The Victorian stereotype as portrayed on Christmas cards does not stand up to close scrutiny, if you read any of the Victorian novelists. There were fallings-out over wills, people trying to impose their wishes on others, you name it, it's all there!

What's changed is that we now have so many more options. It would have been unheard of then for an older woman to zip around in her little car, as Lillibet's M-I-L did. You really were 'old' then, and a grandmother was expected to behave in certain ways. she never moved out of widow's black - it's all very different now. You can have a new lease of life.

What we have found is that it's no good looking back, mulling over past happenings, feeling bitter about what happened in the past. Mostly you can't do anything about it! You can always hold out a hand of friendship, which is what my husband did at my daughter's funeral. Even after many years, you can do your best to make contact. But if people don't want to co-operate there's little you can do. We know we're disapproved of by many of my husband's side of the family, but tough. Getting married in church was non-negotiable for us. If brother didn't like it, well, there's nothing we can do about that.

Email me off-board if you want! But be assured that I shall not expect to be invited to yours for Christmas!!! :-*

Best wishes

Margaret

La_Fenice

awwww....aunty margaret...



yes, we have always been fed so much rubbish about how the ideal family should be and its so unrealistic these days

if you are not part of a happy 'nuclear family', (for whatever reason - choice or circumstances), its so easy to end up on some sort of guilt trip

wish everyone could just do whatever makes them happy but without hurting others on the way

Js_Other_Half

We have invited Js parents for Boxing day- with an option to stay over. We have left an open invite for my Dad - Mum died a couple of years ago.

Dad hasn't given me an answer - why should he change the habit of a lifetime?! :P - but we are making plans for Xmas day etc without him.

If he turns up, we'll take him to the restaurant if there's space - if there isn't I'll leave him something to eat at home

We've only been married 2 years - and I am not establishing a pattern. Last year we went to Js sister for lunch, the year before we were by ourselves.

Start as you mean to go on ::)

jockettuk

my dad had a mild stroke in august, prior to this he had a bad leg that gave him limited mobilty the stroke has made the mobilty less but he tries his best.. he is a moaning face auld sod as we call him he never agrees with us. he is always tormenting the grandchildren he gets on my nerves most of the time but in all of this he is my dad and i LOVE him to bits unfortunalty i will be over 450 miles away on christmas day from him and he cant get to my brothers house as he cant manage the stairs up to his flat.. My dad knows he will be in my thoughts on xmas day and i will ring him up and i will video the opening of presents etc for him to feel part of it .. My mum isnt with me anymore and my dad isnt here for ever i will try and enjoy every minute i can to see him and talk to him most days on the phone .. only wish it was at christmas as well..

trafalgar_2

Nobody knows what lies around the corner...my father died 10 years ago and even though he was a stubborn old goat at times and even now I remember more rows than cuddles I still wish I could mend some of the rifts that took place between us and that he was here for one more christmas :-/

I hope this doesn't come across as a guilt trip post but although I love my mother she too can be a cantancerous old sod and she has not necessarily helped the herself and she is lonely too sometimes because of her own doing but I also have a duty to her ..................................................she gave me life and you only get one mother and I will move heaven and earth to make sure I don't have regrets when she turns that corner :-/



Sorry if anyone is offended...just my personal view

christmas_donkey

Unfortunately it takes two to heal a rift, two people to compromise and two people to want it to work. That is something I had said to my mother many a time.

Unfortunately, when my brother used to borrow money off my mom it was me who got the anger and backlash from it. It was my brother who got the brand new car to take her shopping in, but it was me that got moaned at cause I couldnt take her shopping. Unfortunately, I was treated like a source of money to her, and someone to look after her in her old age because she was proud and refused any care from the social services.

Trafalgar, i see what your saying, but with me and my mom is just doesnt work.

trafalgar_2

Trafalgar, i see what your saying, but with me and my mom is just doesnt work.  

I wasn't judging other peoples circumstances as I don't know them (or at least I wasn't meaning to), just giving it from my perspective but yes I understand sometimes it just doesn't work .