HELP : Mother-in-Law at Xmas!

Lillibet_2

Hubby is going to talk to his sister tonight & see if there are any other options. A lot depends on if M-i-L is already expecting to come & stay with us. Apart form anything else we think it is a bit late, at only 1 month to Xmas, to reasonabley expect us to drop everything & fit in with other plans now. We think we would be happy to have her come & stay for one night, maybe 2 at a push then again for another 2 or 3 days later in the new year when national trust palces etc will be open again & offering something to do. Hope this sounds like a fair compromise?

Incidently, I think she is lonely as a result of her own actions but she did what she thought was right at the time : the day after my hubbys 18th birthday she left his father for a family friend. 4 months later hubby's father was diagnoized terminally ill. M-i-L came dashing back up to be with F-i-L but he, somewhat miffed, told her to get lost. F-i-L died & left a will sharing everything between hubby & 2 sisters with his brother (hubbys uncle) as executer. M-i-L's new love died 1 month later of a heart attack. M-i-L contests will with support of eldest child & against hubby & other child (S-i-L in question in this case). M-i-L eventually wins 50% of estate & costs but by now legal costs have depleated estate & hubby & sisters get 10% of original estate to share between them & hubby is homeless. M-i-L declares she has no room for him to live with her (now living a long way from his home & school anyway). Hubbys uncle & aunt take hubby in & puts him thorugh university. Hubby & S-i-L now back on fragile terms with M-i-L but it has taken a long time to get this far, rest of family want nothing to do with her. If you managed to follow that you'll see that it's all very complicated & fraught, I tread on egg shells a lot of the time, hence my concern over saying "no" at Xmas!

Angela

Oh dear the great saying"you can choose your friends but not your family(and work colleagues)" comes to mind.

Read this thread with great interest.

And just to add my tuppence worth after your last message I wouldnt let her near my home with a bargepole.

Sorry to be so blunt but she has bought this all on herself I am surprised you are both actually talking to her.

Jay-Jay_4

So in a nutshell she fought against her son for an inheritance, chucked him out to live with his aunty and uncle and now expects you to have her around for Christmas?

She's havin a larf!

Anyway from your last post you seem to have made a few decisions. Stand up to the family and do what you need to do to have a happy christmas.

Bossyboots

Well this thread has made me feel a bit better and although I was not the starter, I too am grateful for the input.

I can really identify with the problem here and first off I have to say that I think she has a flipping cheek expecting to come to you for Christmas after what she did to your husband.

Christmas is always a problem for us as my hubby's family seem to think that whatever they decide to arrange we will go along with, taking no account of the fact that I have family too. I usually dig my heels in as otherwise I would end up not seeing my family at Christmas. For years the system worked out so that everyone on both sides got to see as many people as possible. Hubby's family live a way away so we do not see them that often and they are basically lovely people and easy to be with so we do enjoy going.

Last year, because of the ill health of one family member we said we would have them all to us for Boxing Day. MIL was offered the opportunity to go to stay with her sister, coming back with them on Boxing Day and they would then drop her home. Did she want to do that? No. She decided "to have a quiet Christmas Day at home". That translates to "I suppose I'll be on my own on Christmas Day then". Eventually I felt obliged to invite her but she said no. Then she said yes because she thought we really wanted her to come. Then she said no because no-one was available to go and pick her up! My brother then offered as he has to drive past her house to get to ours. He said he would also take her back home early evening when he went back to feed his cats. That wasn't good enough. She would have to wait too long in his car while he picked up my mum and aunt! When I made it clear no-one from my household could be spared to run around after her she condescended to let my brother pick her up.

I made it clear (or at least I thought I had) that this was a one off.

However, she is now pulling the same stunt. She has been invited to her sister's for the Christmas holiday to about the 2nd January. We would go to the sister's on Boxing Day to see the family. But no. She does not want "to be stuck" over there so will "spend a quiet Christmas at home".

See a pattern appearing?

The added difficulty this year is how she is going to go to the do with hubby's family as she does not feel up to driving there herself. We do not have room in our car. No doubt she will expect my son's girlfriend to take her car so that we can give her a lift.

Sorry to hijack the thread but I was so relieved to see that I am not the only in this position and see the reassurance of people supporting the original poster than I just had to pour it all out.

christmas_donkey

I once had the opportunity of hearing the viewpoint of a very experienced family doctor.  He was talking about 'all these lonely old people', and I said how sorry I felt for them.  From decades of experience, he said that they had spent years and years just alienating and upsetting those people who in later life they would come to rely on for help/sympathy/compansionship/support.  He said there is no point in making yourself feel guilty about them - they're adults and responsible for their own lives just like the rest of us, and they shouldn't be allowed to foist their own disagreeable personalities on others.  If life has been a disappointment, too bad.  You can't expect younger people to try to make it up to you - they can't.

My mother has always been a dominent character in my life. I left home at 17 to get away from her. Nothing I did with my life was right, and I constantly had my father, and then my stepfather behind me, coming to my rescue, and being the go between in the middle. It was always difficult until my stepfather died, and she was on her own.

For the last three years or so its been a living hell for me, someone ought to tell people that just because your related to someone, doesnt give them the right to say what the hell they like to you - no matter how it hurts your feelings.

I found her demands becoming more and more intense and although I have a brother he was always 'busy'. Last christmas I arranged to have her over christmas as usual but she phoned me up to tell me christmas eve she had been invited to my cousins for christmas and she was going.

Then there was another earbashing I got over new year which hurt me deeply and I havent seen her since. Unfortunately, it was a case of my own sanity.

Fionnuala_2

Gosh this is fascinating reading. So glad I am unmarried and therefore have no in-laws (though could do without the barbed comments from my parents that they are ashamed to have two daughters both unmarried and childless while everybody else has grandchildren, usually vocalised in front of an audience of their brothers and/or sisters.)

Anyway, I digress. BossyBoots - next time your MiL says she will "Spend a quiet Christmas at home" just agree with her and get hubbie to tell everybody else that that is what his mother has decided. Her decision, her problem and you nor anybody else needs to feel guilty at all if you all comply with her wishes.

Lillibet - I do feel for you - yes, your husband like the rest of us has only one mother even if she has behaved in an utterly selfish and unloving way. You mentioned going away for a break would be too much budget wise - what about a one night break in some poshish hotel somewhere, to give you a little time for some "afternoon naps" and to make this Christmas special for yourselves, not just to create an excuse? This woman seems to have you all running around after her - time to get the balance of the situation onto the other foot - she is the needy but seemingly helpless one. She can either fit in with what you are willing to offer or she can't. If she's ungrateful then that is her own grumpy outlook. No matter what you do she will never be happy, her happiness isn't your responsibility, seems she took care of that herself years ago.

Sorry if I seem a bit heartless - but nobody in this thread deserves to be treated like a doormat.

FTS

Lillibet_2

Oh dear, I have painted my M-i-L as a complete harridan, which wasn't my intention at all :-[.
Firstly, as I have said my hubbys relationship with his mother is fragile but she is his monther & despite everything he loves her & she him. They just don't get on terribly well! It has taken 16 years to re-build their relationship to where it is now and I think they have forgiven each other.
M-i-L, with a lost marraige & a dead lover, had the dilema of suddenly finding herself homeless & facing an old age on benefits & a state pension. She fought for what she, and eventually the law, believed she had a right to. She has paid a high price with the loss of most of her extended family, she has fought long & hard to regain & maintain the love of her children.
I obviously wasn't around at the time and as far as I am concerned this all happend a long time ago & is nothing to do with me. I refuse to be drawn into debates about the rights & wrongs of it with any of the family. I don't expect her, or anyone, to apologize but I do expect all of them to live with the results of their choices & actions.
But this is all besides the point.
We spoke with S-i-L last night & she hasn't yet arranged anything with M-i-L so is going to suggest to M-i-L that she spends one night with us then goes home but S-i-L was very "dissapointed" that we couldn't find more time for her, "after all she is an old woman now & I'm having her stay for a week!" This has annoyed me, She's 68. bombs around the countryside in a Nissan Micra & is NOT at deaths door, just lonely & depressed for crying out loud!
We have decided she'll get the same time as we are giving to my parents over Xmas, 2 nights, and we'll put it like that if necessary. At least then we can't be accused of favourtisim, just selfishness for wanting time to ourselves ;D
Watch this space for the outcome!!!!!

ps : Thread open to all hijackers with M-i-L stories........keep 'em comming! I feel we're making each other stonger in our resistance!

tru

Lillibet, in your first post you said you didn't want her to come, so I reckon you should say a big fat NO ;D I don't think it matters whether she is an absolute angel or a complete nightmare, it's your Christmas

My M-I-L wasn't too bad (most of the time, lol) but I still wouldn't let her, or anyone, stay for Christmas because we like things as we like them and that's that ;D

Me and hubby have never had a Christmas on our own, we met, got engaged, got pregnant, got married and had the baby all in the space of 14 months I don't regret us not having one year on our own because I didn't really care about that, but it seems to be important to you so you should do it, you might regret it if you don't :-/

margaretclare

Hi Lillibet

Yes, it really is a fascinating discussion, but what's more to the point, I hope that other people's input has been helpful to you.

I am staggered by your S-I-L's comment that 'after all she is an old woman now'. I hope to goodness that no one ever says that about me! I'm 69 and I do not consider myself to be an old woman. My husband is going to be 70 at the end of the year, he's still an attractive man, and we celebrate 3 years of marriage in January.

Well, I faced poverty and likely homelessness back in 1992 when my first husband died - he 'didn't believe in' life assurance, and his death coincided with my redundancy. I have been very, very fortunate - the world changed 7 years ago when I met my (now) husband. I even thought of entering a convent at one point - thought that life was over for me then, but luckily, no.

As my daughter says (she's one of the people being made redundant by Ofsted) there are only 2 ways to go in life. You pick yourself up and get on with it, regard each setback as an opportunity, and change direction completely, or you sit in a corner weeping with your apron over your head.

I can understand the delicate family relationships. These kind of rows over money, wills and property have happened in more than one generation of my own family. A row over money caused a split between my 2 daughters, one of them died, the other came to her funeral although the widower didn't want her there...but as my husband said, Margaret still has a daughter left and 3 grandchildren, I will 'build bridges' if I can. Which he did, and I'm now very gratified that she feels able to chat to me about her concerns and her plans. She is planning to do a double Honours degree at Leeds Uni, French and Classics, this is from being a PA with Ofsted, and I really applaud her determination, courage and positive thinking.

Re parents throwing out embarrassing hints about having no grandchildren, this is a bit like the stereotype of the Jewish mother (from my present husband's side of the family!!!) Unforgivable in my opinion. But take heart, there are a lot of us older people nowadays who are living in the modern world, busy getting on with our own lives and living life to the full.

I wouldn't like to go away at Christmas to stay with any of the family - it is a fraught time of year and 'spending a quiet Christmas' has a lot to commend it. Too much expectation is placed on this time of year, which I think is impossible to fulfil, inevitable disappointments. Why wouldn't I go away? Well, for a start, my birds are hungry this time of year, we get a lot of pleasure watching them on the feeders outside the kitchen window. And it's nice walking down the sea-front on Christmas morning, people are out having an ice-cream and strolling on the front, then there are the winter visitors, the waders...We go to carol service and supper at church, but we've decided not to go Christmas morning - even church has become very acquisitive: 'what did everybody get?' We'll go Sunday as usual.

Best wishes to all

Margaret

filigree_2

I would suggest that you do whatever you like over the holiday and let MIL either join in or sit alone and sulk. Be firm without being apologetic or argumentative. "We're off to Midnight Mass mum, you coming? No? Cheerio then, here's the Radio Times" and walk out of the door.

You might find that things change when you produce a grandchild. Is she likely to be a doting granny? I found that a household of mixed adults get on each others nerves, but once they have cute babies to play with it takes the focus off the uncomfortable adult relationships.