HELP : Mother-in-Law at Xmas!

jaybee

Somewhere or other I read that Mothers (and therefore MILs) are the cause of all the ills of the world. I certainly seems to be true (with the exception of margaret_clare).

I was well into my 30s before I realised that my mother was using emotional blackmail. As an only child I 'have' to have her each Christmas and I feel so bad about inflicting her on my partner and his kids (even thpough the're grown up now) that I have always gone totally overboard on the presents etc. Of course, it doesn't solve anything.

Admitedly she is 82 and suffering all the ills (both imaginary and real) that old age can bring. We will probably not know until Christmas morning whether she will visit or if I have to go to her.

Sorry. . . .shouldn't go on like this, but I do understand how you are all feeling! Maybe it helps a bit to know that you are not alone with this problem. I REALLY wish I had a mother I could actually like. By being the way she is she has actually lost out on a great deal as well but nothing will change it now. She is in total denial of anythinmg oher than the fact that she is 'perfect'.

MATH

This year I'm facing the opposite problem to the one most of you are posting about.

For years my parents have come for Christmas day. My sister lives in the states and it has never crossed my mind not to invite them. The fondest momories of childhood Christmas I have is of Grandma & Grandad comming for the day and I want the same for my kidz.
My FIL lives alone and yes he does start to drop hints in July about Christmas Day but I know this is more out of loneliness and fear of spending the day by himself than manipulation. He's invited most Sundays so I can be sure he's fed one decent meal a week and I couldn't imagine not inviting him at Christmas.
MIL & Husband (is there such a thing as step FIL?) Have come for Christmas Day since the children were born and spoil them rotten.

Yes it is a lot of cooking and noise and there is no-where to sit but for me it's Christmas. However, this year, sis is over from the states and my parents are entertaining them at home. MIL & Hubby are to ill to visit which leaves us with FIL only. I'm not looking foreward to it very much, I'm worried the day won't have that special feel and am wondering if it's worth turning the oven on for 6 people :-/

trafalgar_2

I'll come Math and bring some MSE friends too ;D

Wouldn't want you to feel lonely

MATH

Awww Thanks Traf, I think being lonely at Christmas must be the worst thing in the world which is why I am always happy to have parents and in-laws visit. I'd rather they came to us than be on their own or even worse at other relatives who only invite them to sponge off them

christmas_donkey

I think being lonely at Christmas must be the worst thing in the world which is why I am always happy to have parents and in-laws visit.

but do yours insist on watching what they want to watch on tv? In the past, my mother has sat down as soon as she came and marked what she has wanted to watch on the tv. I have known my husband in the past to spend christmas down the shed rather than put up with her.

La_Fenice

Blimey...starting to think I'm glad I don't have any relatives/family to worry about. I'm aiming to climb Snowden on Xmas Day, (weather permitting), with a like-minded/family free friend, a few cheese sandwiches, flask of soup and maybe a wee dram.... If it gets too much for any of yous....see you at the summit

jockettuk

), ...  If it gets too much for any of yous....see you at the summit

hey dont say that we might all jump off or rather push the mother in laws down head first lol

jellyhead

if people want to watch TV why don't they stay at home? move the TV out of the room, say you needed the space for the xmas tree lol!!

i've enjoyed reading this thread, it's reminded me how lucky i am to like most of my family. my in-laws totally accepted me as a single mum, accepted and loved my son and would never dream of interfering by asking when we're having more kids. luckily they're heavily involved with church at xmas so they have us over the weekend before (we're not church-goers) and then we go to my parents for xmas day. i don't always get on very well with my sister but we try to rub along. mothers and MILs have no right to expect to be invited for xmas, in my family my nan has at least 2 xmas dinners because so many of her children have her over to their houses, they love her. she's 85 and is always nice, hubby's nan is also in her 80's and is a lovely person. age is no reason to be a cantankerous old biddy although i realise that some illnesses can cause bad temper. i think the reason our families get on so well is because resentments have to be ingored for the general good of the family. of course there are disagreements and different views on things but nothing is important enough to cause a big family rift and even if it does then it should stay between a few people without getting the rest of the family to take sides and people should be mature enough to put aside their differences when families get together. to continue a rift or feud when there are weddings, babies born etc. is totally selfish. i can't believe it when i hear of people who can't invite both their parents to their wedding because of divorce/new partners etc. my mum put her own feelings aside when i had my baby, my divorced parents were both there to see their first grandchild and dad's new wife came to visit without any unpleasantness, same with my wedding.

we have large families and there are always people who don't get on but we're all grown ups so can be pleasant to people we don't like when there are family get togethers. if you really hate somebody you can always ignore them. it's selfish and childish to expect people to take sides just because you don't like somebody.

lillibet, tell your MIL you're having a large family party and you're inviting everyone, including the people she doesn't get on with lol!!!

margaretclare

Somewhere or other I read that Mothers (and therefore MILs) are the cause of all the ills of the world. It certainly seems to be true (with the exception of margaret_clare).

Thank you very much for the compliment! I'm really warmed and touched.

But there are lots of older women who don't fit the stereotype of being manipulative, controlling, whingeing etc. I have known some in my time who were an inspiration and sadly, some of them are no longer with us. I keep telling my husband, I wish he could have known my aunt and my mum, who brought me up in the days when you were really stigmatised for being an unmarried mum and an illegitimate child (not to speak of the poverty, no benefits available then). They would have loved him, they liked people who were straight and to the point and who don't try to make themselves out to be something they're not, put on airs etc.

My godmother Annie was a good example. Lovely woman, never had much of this world's goods, but everyone loved her. When she met my husband, my partner then, unlike many of her generation she didn't worry about the conventions and the niceties - she could see he was a good man and she was happy for me. But another woman of that generation took me to task for not being married (actually it was at the get-together following Annie's memorial service) and said it was 'disgusting'. Whereas Annie didn't think any such thing!

My first marriage in 1957 actually didn't last long at first because of M-I-L. She disapproved of me, thought I wasn't good enough for son. I couldn't stand living with them in their little bungalow, I left, that's how I got into nursing, because I needed a new career, and we did get back together after a couple years - he had to break away from her too! She was the typical manipulator, emotional blackmail, you name it. A lot of young couples had to live with in-laws then because of the desperate housing shortage and many people disapproved because I'd left - 'you don't do that'!

My husband and I do sit down on a regular basis and look very hard at all aspects of our finances. He has said that the cost of running the car would buy an awful lotta taxi rides, but as we both use it separately as well as together, the convenience outweighs everything at present. But things can change, and we're flexible. Certainly if we change this car it will be for an automatic.

If you are invited to someone's home it's the height of rudeness to sit down and mark what you want to watch on TV! Why go to visit family if all you want to do is watch TV, or take a portable with you to watch in your room, don't inflict your likes and dislikes on others. And conversation etc is much more interesting, you could always record what you wanted and watch it when you get back home.

I have a dear friend in Yorkshire, she has students living at the back, they have parties and barbecues in summer. The first time she went out there they probably thought 'oh no, another old biddy coming to complain about the noise'. But no - she enjoyed the music, the guitar-playing, they sat her on a straw bale and gave her a glass of red wine. Now whenever they have a party they make sure they go to invite her! She's mid-80s, is fascinating to talk to, was a sergeant-major then an officer in the ATS in wartime. There are both kinds of older people in the world and I am absolutely determined that I will not make the excuse of 'being old' to turn me into a cantankerous, manipulative, whingeing, blackmailing old cow.

With best wishes to all

Aunty Margaret

La_Fenice

Aunty Margaret

I'm starting to think of your posts on here as my 'heartwarming thoughts for the day'...please keep it up.

XXXX