HELP : Mother-in-Law at Xmas!

Lillibet_2

Forgot to dsay that I'm glad that so far no-one thinks it's really wrong to NOT want to spend time with an important family member at Xmas. I feel like I'm shirking a responsiblity but you're winning me round

Spendless

Sorry to play devils advocat here Lilibet but she does sound like a sad lonely old woman

yes it should be your husband who speaks to his family but thats men for you ::) my own husband is just the same

what about a compromise she can come and stay but your plans to visit friens etc are not being changed, so she can stay but she'll have to entertain herself at your house whilst your out

Lillibet_2

Devils advocates welcomed...........I need a balance of opinions, not a get out of jail free card

Greenstuff_2

I think Margrets post says it all.
S.I.L wants to SEND M.I.L to you? Blimey, she is a person!
Older people (and some younger) can get very selfish and self centred, as I said I'm in a similar position, I was caring for a realtive in hospital, running round, working looking after my kids etc., and she was so nasty to me one day I walked out, a nurse followed me and said old people can get very frustrated at having to be cared for and not being in control, they are used to being the boss, and often the quickest way for them to feel more important is to put yopu down, made me feel better, I digress, she is hard work I'm sure, but would probably hate to feel a burden.
You don't seem a bit selfish to me and look as though you more than 'do your bit'.
The fact that you are finding this so hard says it all, you have IMO no reason to feel selfish or guilty.

tru

You and your husband are your own 'family unit'. You should spend Christmas exactly as you would like to, not rearrange for anyone else. You'll probably worry about upsetting someone when you do this but what about you being upset when you don't get the Christmas you want? And you'd be amazed how quickly it becomes 'tradition' so you end up sacrificing your Christmases forever lol ;D

My Nan tried for years to hold her 3 kids' feelings hostage (not quite the right word, I know) and they wouldn't have it, now they arrange what suits them and then invite her, half the time she doesn't go BUT everyone's happy. I know your M-I-L doesn't do that to you, but you end up feeling like that when you're backed into a corner :-/

margaretclare

Hi there

I can relate to what Greenstuff says. In the years between 1992 and 1997 I did a lot of very uncongenial work just to keep the roof over my head, and some of that work was looking after old people in their own homes. And I noticed that they may have lost all their other faculties, their sight, hearing, use of legs, you name it, but one thing they don't seem to lose is a vicious evil tongue and even though you try to distance yourself and look on it 'professionally', it still has the power to inflict severe hurt, and if I was Greenstuff I would likely have walked away just as she did. There is just no excuse for it in my book, old people or not.

I think from what you've said, M-I-L has that old-fashioned attitude, feeling somehow that she is 'owed' by her offspring, just because she brought them up. That isn't the way people think nowadays. Many of us who have grown-up families and grandchildren, still have a life of our own, our own interests and don't expect younger family members to run around after us. After all, why would you be even considering this but for the fact that 'it's Christmas', there are a whole raft of expectations/stereotypes/culture all built up around this time of year. Personally I think it's rubbish. Your M-I-L should have built up her own interests, friendships etc and some women, following widowhood, do just that. After all, she isn't tied to what F-I-L expects her to do, is she? How is she off for money - Saga do Christmas breaks, similar age-group, not a bad idea! It's all laid on for you there (if that's the kind of thing you'd like!)

I agree that she's a person, not a bundle to be 'sent on' from one family member to another.

At this time of year I inevitably feel a bit heart-sick. 2 birthdays on 30th December, my eldest granddaughter and my husband, but this 30th will be the second anniversary of my younger daughter's death. Her funeral was 2 days before our first wedding anniversary, which we celebrate on 14th January. So, a bitter-sweet time for us, and we tend not to do much - probably go down to a local nature reserve and watch the winter visitors foraging on the shoreline.

If M-I-L likes gardening, there are a number of National Trust properties etc that have gardens to visit? could you suggest that to her?

Best wishes

Margaret

Spendless

I take it SIL is hubbys sister?

why does she feel she has to pass her mum on after xmas day? is it cos she thinks she's done her bit so so should her brother?

also you have mentioned family rows and rifts involving your MIL would a refusal cause another, and if so would SIL get involved also?

Not saying you should agree but perhaps things to consider.

best wishes

Jay-Jay_4

You're not being selfish.

Like someone else said, family traditions sometimes need to be broken as we all get older, have our own children and move away.

My family always had a huge christmas meal on christmas day but as my sister ad I have grow up, married, had children we've had to out our own needs and that of our children first.

Now we have christmas dinner of christmas eve so that we can spend christmas day playing with the kids instead of cooking and dragging them out visiting people.

Have you asked your MIL what 'she' wants to do?

Maybe if you told her a few of your plans and explain that it's nice [ for you & your hubby] to spend some time alone together and what was she planning?

Perhaps tease her with the thought that a romantic few days alone may provide her with a grandchild to dote on next Christmas

margaretclare

Hi, me again, just another couple of thoughts:

In your original post you said this had been suggested by your S-I-L, you didn't feel you could refuse, but your husband doesn't get on with his Mum.

Leaving aside all your (very valid) reasons for not wanting to have her to stay - when you break it down to the nitty-gritty like that, it all looks like a recipe for a very miserable few days for all concerned. Now, doesn't it?

I once had the opportunity of hearing the viewpoint of a very experienced family doctor. He was talking about 'all these lonely old people', and I said how sorry I felt for them. From decades of experience, he said that they had spent years and years just alienating and upsetting those people who in later life they would come to rely on for help/sympathy/compansionship/support. He said there is no point in making yourself feel guilty about them - they're adults and responsible for their own lives just like the rest of us, and they shouldn't be allowed to foist their own disagreeable personalities on others. If life has been a disappointment, too bad. You can't expect younger people to try to make it up to you - they can't.

My second husband's first ex is not in contact with most of her family - she had 4 children and of those, there's only one who's sitll in contact with her. She has 4 gorgeous grandchildren, doesn't bother with any of them. The one who's in contact with her had a 3rd wedding party in the summer (wedding was in Jamaica!) and we were invited. I got to meet her, which was a weird experience. My husband didn't want to get chummy but we were able to be polite for the length of time a party lasts. One of her sons said he wouldn't go because he knew she'd be there. We decided we could be polite for an hour or 2, but that's not the same as having someone you don't get on with living under your roof for several days.

Just a few thoughts!

Margaret

Spendless

I once had the opportunity of hearing the viewpoint of a very experienced family doctor. He was talking about 'all these lonely old people', and I said how sorry I felt for them. From decades of experience, he said that they had spent years and years just alienating and upsetting those people who in later life they would come to rely on for help/sympathy/compansionship/support. He said there is no point in making yourself feel guilty about them - they're adults and responsible for their own lives just like the rest of us, and they shouldn't be allowed to foist their own disagreeable personalities on others. If life has been a disappointment, too bad. You can't expect younger people to try to make it up to you - they can't.

Wise words. Has certainly given me food for thought cos i have both older and younger members of my family guilty of this - and yes i do and would do the guilt trip over them.

Have you decided what to do Lillibet?

Though i like jay-jays idea of saying 'you can't come cos we're baby making


might leave em so stumped for words they daren't protest ;D