Help, How To Avoid Trouble While Keeping Integrity

ceridwen

It is entirely your decision and your decision only whether to go to the funeral or no - it would be entirely understandable either way. I am sure the deceased person wouldnt wish to put you through the aggro of being near someone who has hurt you so much - I am guessing the deceased person doesnt know about what happened?

I can only speak for myself - as can any of us. I personally would be thinking "Why should this b........ stop me from going to a funeral I wish to attend? They've hurt me enough...without preventing me going to a funeral I wish to attend as well". So I personally would go and would keep a very wide berth of the abuser. If anyone asked me why I was steering clear of the abuser I would reply "I dont wish to go into it - as it involves someone else, so I am not able to say the reason - but just take it from me that that man is seriously bad news - and it was a criminal offence they committed" and then move on to talk to the next person.

I dont know whether I would or no - but I would be contemplating if there was a way I could prevent the abuser going to the funeral - so I wouldnt have to encounter them. I would personally be wondering whether I could phone the abuser up and tell them that I would be going to the funeral and I didnt expect to see them there - and it would be wise of them to stay away from it. But - of course - it would be quite understandable if you feel you cant "face" this person even at the end of a phone. We all differ. I could do that personally - and make sure there was nothing in writing and only the one phonecall...so it would be their word against mine that I had phoned them if they decided to mention it to anyone - as I would just deny having done so if asked.

But you are the only one who knows how you would react to coming anywhere near this person - so ultimately you are the only one who can decide.

Good luck and best wishes - whatever you do decide.

tryingtokeepthepeace

Thanks again to all who replied. Sorry I’ve been gone so long, I’ll try to answer everyone’s questions and hope I haven’t missed any out.

Barneysmom, so sorry to hear you’ve lost someone, I hope everything goes smoothly for you.


This person will be in the line of relatives standing shaking hands outside the service rooms as everyone files out, so there will be no avoiding them. I’m going to ring and find out if there’s a way to slip out of a side door and disappear quietly, in which case I will go, otherwise I’m going to stay away.

It’s not a self control issue, I’d manage perfectly well if I didn’t have to shake their hand, hug, pehaps kiss them on the cheek & commiserate with them. I just don’t want to do that with a person who did what they did to a young innocent child.


My son was aged 4-5, the abuser in their mid-teens, we left the area (thank goodness) & have had practically* no contact since. My son told us about the abuse when he was 18, I won’t go into how I know, but I am absolutely certain that the acusations are true.
As far as I know, the abuser has no idea that anyone else knows. The one other person who I’m certain did know, is the person whos funeral it is.

Ms Chocaholic, I’m reluctant to go into any more detail about out relationship with this person for fear of someone figuring out who we are, a slim chance, but the membership here is so large that it’s just possible.
In fact, if I told you the whole story that’s led up to this situation, it’s so bizarre that I’m sure you’d all take me for a troll and run me off the boards!!!


My son is now an adult, and he will be attending the funeral, but says he’ll cope (*he’s seen this person briefly on one occasion since) and of course will say nothing. I think he’s going to be interested to see this person’s reaction now that he’s a big strapping man twice the size of his abuser!


I’m sure I’ve missed something out, if I have, please tell me and I’ll try to explain as best I can given the constraints to preserve innocent parties.

ttktp

Zoetoes

So I'm guessing it's a family member then, in which case it's understandably difficult to avoid them and I'm wondering if it's possibly the abusers parent that has died.

I really don't know what to suggest, a part of me thinks you should go and look them right in the eye with a look that lets them know that you know what they did but I know in reality that would be difficult.

mrcow

Go along the funeral line and skip where they are.

Ignore the person in question. Walk past them and don't say a word.

You don't have to justify yourself to them or to anyone else. You are as entitled to pay your respects as anyone else there. You shouldn't have to miss the funeral (unless you actually want to)

tryingtokeepthepeace

ceridwen,
I’d have no qualms about talking to them on the phone, I’m not afraid, but the situation is such that this person absolutely has to attend, and there’s no way I could say anything about them to anyone else there without causing mayhem, and I don’t want to do that.


I have considered skipping them in the line, but it would be noticed and would definitely cause trouble.
I really would love to look them in the eye & let them know that I know, but again if it was noticed, there might be trouble.


Sorry to be so vague, please believe me I wish I could fill you all in with more of the background, but there are people other than the abuser to consider, and I don’t want the hurt they’ve already caused to spread any further.

I think I’m going to stay away, I can say goodbye in my own way.

ceridwen

Hmmm....well...the fact that your son is going puts things in a bit of a different light then. That - to me personally - would mean I felt I had to go in order to be by my sons side being supportive of him. I think as well that it would be taking a risk to let your son go on his own - in case he punched the abuser (cant say I'd blame him if he did!). So - I guess you need to be physically beside your son to ensure he doesnt punch the abuser's lights out and get himself in trouble in the process.

It would also mean I wasnt free to say anything about why I was ignoring the abuser.

So - I guess ...with that...I would phone the abuser once in advance and tell them politely but firmly to stay away from the funeral. I would then go to the funeral by my sons side and - if the abuser still turned up despite my phonecall - I would totally ignore them and if anyone asked why would just say "I have my reasons - very good ones - I dont wish to talk about it" and then move on to the next person.

Oooh dear....it is a very awkward situation thats for sure. Again...I can only say what I personally would do - but I do seriously think you need to be there for your sons sake (since hes going).

ceridwen

I've just seen your post prior to my last one....I can understand that. I'm just wondering if theres any way you can persuade your son not to go then (ie be the one to feign the "diplomatic illness").?

MrsTinks

I recently went to a funeral of my ex's dad - my ex and I do not get on and so it was tricky...
I stopped seeing his parents when I moved out because I didn't want to upset things more - he found it hard enough that I not only remained friends with his sister and her family but also lived there for a while whilst in effect homeless after he asked me to leave.
So... We were civil to each other, I was there to offer sympathy to everyone I knew and I also realised that in my case I'm tired of this... I want to put it behind us - I know we'll never be friends like we used to but I was to stop worrying about accidently bumping into him at his sisters and I want to be able to visit his mum from time to time - especially now.
I don't anticipate you will ever feel that way! But being civil and so on is perfectly possible and you don't have to go along the "line" - infact there wasn't a line of relatives at my ex's dads funeral - we all said hi when and where appropriate and passed on our condolances.
If you want to go and pay your respects then do - it should be very easy to avoid physical contact with this person in all honesty. More to the point - your son feels able to go which I think is a great thing - it means that he is doing great - he remembers but he is "stuck" and being restricted by what happened many years ago...

RedBern

for what it's worth - I'd go to the funeral as the purpose of it is to pay respects to the person who has died. Ignore the abuser, and stick close to your son to ensure he is ok. It may do him good to see the person now he's a grown man and not be frightened of him (ok not frightened but perhaps concerned about seeing him again). good luck

ailuro2

why should the abuser have any right to any consideration from you, or anyone else in your family??

Go, pay your respects, and if anyone asks why you skipped the person in line, say quietly you'd be happy to meet them for a coffee some time and have a chat about it....but you wish to respect the person who died and give them a proper send off.

keeping abusers hidden lets them abuse again and again. You owe it to your son not to let that happen.

having been close to someone whose husband was an abuser I know the reaction is to keep it hidden to protect the victim, but in the end that does no good, you need to be seen to be fighting their corner, not sweeping it under a rug to keep the peace.

You can do this with dignity.....but don't keep it a secret for too long!