Help, How To Avoid Trouble While Keeping Integrity

beckseven

Perhaps you could go and then slip out just before the end and then send a letter to the other bereaved family members ( not the abuser) apologising for not seeing them afterwards but you were unwell. Or perhaps if you do get trapped in the line up if simply passing this person by is unavoidable, simply say you are sorry for the death of the deceased without commiserating or having to touch the abuser. Horrible circumstances for you and so awful that all the soul searching and worrying is being done by you the innocent party. I hope all goes well.

tryingtokeepthepeace

I’m overwhelmed by your support and useful replies.
Thanks for the links ceridwen, I’ll show them to my son.


Firstly, I’ve decided that I will go, I feel I can’t leave my son, although he is an adult in his 30s now, to face this alone. I won’t be able to sit with him as he’ll be with the family, but he’ll know I’m there to support him.

Paddy’s mum, thank you for your post #32, as ceridwen says, wise words indeed.
I’m going to do exactly as you suggest, quietly & with dignity. If anyone notices, I’ll probably be gone before they have time to react.
.


Secondly, regarding the issue of exposing the abuser, once the dust has settled after the funeral, I’ll support my son in any decision he makes about taking action, legal or otherwise against this person, other than extreme violence of course. (although I think I might have been tempted myself, but I'm not that way inclined)



Thirdly some issues have been mentioned which never ocurred to me before …

Lynzpower, that’s a very frightening thought in your post #34, but I’m glad you raised it, I’ve been thinking back about the family members that were around during the abuser’s childhood. Not many of them are left now, and those that are are elderly.

About other young children, it’s a small family & the youngest members are now in their 20s, it was when they were young that the deceased ‘had that word’ I mentioned earlier with the abuser to warn them off.

Was it a one-off which they now deeply regret? I sincerely hope so, but I expect we'll never know.



My head’s spinning thinking about it all, what a mess, all because of one person’s despicable and disgraceful behaviour.

As I mentioned before, the situation is very complicated and unusual, much more so than I’ve been willing to tell you here, but if I went into more detail, the family would be instantly recognisable to themselves, and anyone who knows them and recent events that have taken place would spot it was them too.
I do agree that the abuser deserves to be outed, but not on a public forum.



Again I'm sure I've missed out a few things I wanted to respond to, I'll post again when/if I remember, my brain's not functioning at its full potential just now.




EDIT ... I think I've managed to thank everyone now, I'd somehow missed out one or two of the earlier replies, my apologies, I really do appreciate all of you taking the time to reply.

duchy

Just want to add my support -my thoughts were the same as Paddy's Mum's and I'd suggest you share her post with your son-as he may wish to respond in the same way.
Good luck !

ceridwen

I think you have come to the right decisions. I think your son will really appreciate you being there for him. Good idea to show the links and the post by paddy's mum to your son. In fact - I think it could be a good idea to print out/write out that post by paddy's mum. Take some deep breaths, some Rescue Remedy and read those words just before going into the service and remember we're here right behind you in the "virtual world" giving moral support to you as well. It will take a lot of courage to go to that service - but it is right to be there backing your son. Maybe you might promise yourself that the day after that you will take a day out to do whatever particularly gives you pleasure/relaxation - day in the countryside or whatever helps you personally.

Glad you found the links useful - I dont know who you are but I have a feeling you "know" me through other posts elsewhere on M.S.E. Anyways - found some useful ones for you. That support group site certainly looked a very good one to me - and I noticed a bit on there for relatives of those who have suffered abuse - which you might like to read yourself. Its not just those who have been directly on the "receiving end" of these abusers who suffer - as you are well aware of personally. Its like a ripples on a pond - the effects spread out rather wider than that.

tryingtokeepthepeace

Thanks for the suggestions, I'll be sharing paddys mum's post & ceridwen's links with my son.

It's shocking the way that your brain seems to seize up and you can't think for yourself at a time like this, thank goodness for the internet and the good people here at MSE!

I'll report back later in the week and let you know how things went.

Once again, many thanks to you all.


ttktp

Stephb1986_2

Good on you going I would shake hands in the line up and whisper to the abuser that you know what they did. Im pretty sure their stomach will drop through their backside.

You should be able to mourn the person that has sadly passed away in a way you see fit. It wouldn't be fair to leave your son to face this person on his own.

Good luck

Steph xx

Merrywidow

They say a trouble shared is a trouble halved. As ttktp says, the MSE family is fantastic - give us your problems and we will sort them out for you. I had nothing to add to this thread but I read every word of it and I will be anxiously waiting to hear the outcome. I wish ttktp all the strength in the world for her ordeal - One question - is the perp married? kids?

inkie

This person will be in the line of relatives standing shaking hands outside the service rooms as everyone files out, so there will be no avoiding them.

I'm just a bit puzzled by the set up. I'm a minister and obviously do funerals - when i'm at the crem, the only person who stands by the exit to shake people's hands is me - the funeral director takes the immediate family out and into the cars. If it is a burial, people usually disperse anyway i.e. there is no 'line of people' to walk past.

It's a difficult one, but hope that you manage to come to a decision that you feel happy about. One option, if you decided to miss the funeral is to go and have some time alone wiht the deceased at the chapel of rest prior to the funeral.

Merrywidow

Inkie.....I have been to quite a few crems in the last few years and at the end of the service the mourners are ushered out of the side door into a garden area where the flowers are lined up for everyone to inspect and the family stand in line to receive condolences and thank everyone for coming. This is standard practice.

ceridwen

Hoping that funeral has happened - and is over with by now....wondering how you are O.P.?