Help, How To Avoid Trouble While Keeping Integrity

onlyroz

Can't you go, but slip out 5 mins early, before the "line up"?

ailuro2

onlyroz - we tried that one at a family funeral - we slipped in the door, which was at the back, just before the start of the service, took a pew at the back, all ready for a swift exit, we were shocked when they opened the side entrance to let the funeral attendees out!!:eek: No, we weren't expecintg that one!:rolleyes:

We had to dash into the gardens of rememberance to avoid the people we were trying to avoid, iyswim , but someone persisted and hung around the car park waiting till we came out to our car....it was wintertime, and very cold, so we had to back to the car eventually.... best laid plans don't always work.

Mojisola

I'm changing my mind now you've said that your son is going. Obviously the abuser is a close relation of the deceased and so is going to be very difficult to avoid. All you can do is go with your son, stick together and play it by ear. I don't envy your position but good for your son, for wanting to face his abuser down.

sarymclary

I have a very similar situation in my life. However the situation is common knowledge within my family, and the majority of them have continued to have some form of relationship with the perpetrator. I am the spanner in the works who will not just sweep it under the carpet and pretend things are OK! I have always made it clear that if they are going to be at a family event such as a wedding/funeral/christening, etc., then I would not attend. I don't make a big fuss about it, and it's not a them/me choice as such. I would just choose not to ever have any contact with the person again. They do not deserve it, were never truly held to account for what they did, and I feel I have to show my support for the person who was affected, by staying true to my values and morals. I realise that this would be a very difficult way to be if it were another very close relative who they would be expecting to attend the funeral of, who who I loved very much too. In that case I think I would have to pay my respects to them before the service, and maybe even watch the service from a distance, but I simply could not bring myself to be anywhere near this other person. They make me physically shake if I do, and I don't think I could do it. There is also that element that other people would think I'd finally come round to their way of thinking, and that everything was OK again. It most definitely never will be!

It is a dreadful dilemma for you to be in, and all because this evil person did what they did all those years ago. I hope you stay strong, and I'm sorry for your recent loss. Your heart will tell you what to do, so follow your gut instinct, and go with that.

poet123

To be very honest I would guess the person is more concerned than you about the meeting,he knows you and your son have a hold on him...and could even now report him for his actions and have him punished. In fact by keeping silent you could be allowing him to continue with similar behaviour.

I would attend the funeral and take the chance to have a quiet word with him about his actions and the fact that you will always be there in the background and that at the first hint that he has continued his evil ways you and your son will come forward and report him. He will not want to cause a fuss so this contact can be doen in the guise of a normal conversation.

Abusers only get away with what they are allowed to get away with once the abuse comes to light.

Other relatives whoever, or whatever their relationship cannot be protected at the expense of your son or other kids.

bestpud

It is the other young relatives that I am concerned about here too.

I would go tbh and just by pass him at the line - I bet it won't be as obvious as you think!

The people behind and in front will be busy with the people either side of you and if your son wants to acknowledge him then it will be even less obvious - perhaps he will linger long enough for the two of you anyway?

I kind of think you should be there to give your son moral support too, and to help him if it doesn't quite go 'to plan'. It is actually quite difficult, in many ways, to face an abuser and he may be grateful to just know you are there.

Is this man a danger to children now, do you think? As paedophiles often start young - the 'dirty old man' image is not how it is in reality!

Saying that though, if your son doesn't want to take it further then he should not feel obliged to imo. But it wouldn't hurt to let this guy know his secret is not a secret!

ceridwen

Hmmm......difficult choices again. It is a good point that this abuser may continue with his abusive behaviour if he's not exposed. On that front - it is your son's choice as to whether to expose the abuser or no. Your son is the one who experienced the abuse - so its up to him what he wants done about it.

Dont know on this one - can only say if I were your son - then I would be doing the same as him and going to this funeral. On from that - if I were your son - I would be taking it as a perfect opportunity to expose the abuser and specifically thinking "Right - now I dont have to worry about the other relative who knows about this (ie the deceased person) - I'm going to let fly big time and as publicly as possible at the abuser". It may be that your son wont be going to the funeral intending at the outset to expose the abuser - but may end up doing so nonetheless. So - with that - I guess its all the more important you are by your sons side to give him moral support.

Your son may be a more forgiving person than I am and with a more easily controlled temper and may feel quite sure that the abuser has stopped their behaviour - and only be intending to go because of his feelings for the deceased and to show the abuser by his mere presence that he is going to get on with a normal life regardless of what the abuser did to him in the past. I'm just wondering - because I know what I would do personally - but we are all different and have different reactions to things.

tryingtokeepthepeace

Again, thanks for all your useful replies they've all given me food for thought.

We made the deceased person aware of what had happened to my boy once he'd told us about the abuse because we were worried about other young children in the family, and they 'had a word' with the abuser. So perhaps the abuser is aware that I know.

There's no avoiding attending for my son, he'll be sitting with the family and he'll be in the line-up outside.

I'm now wavering between staying away altogether, and going along, but slipping past the line at the door. I can commiserate with any of the others that I want to before they set off for the wake (which I will definitely not be going to, I don't want to be anywhere near these people when they're upset and drinking!). They'll probably bad-mouth me, but I'm never likely to see any of them again, so that won't be a problem for me.


Harking back to exposing the abuser, when the abuser was warned off, it was made clear to them that the only reason they weren't being exposed publicly, was for the sake of not upsetting a very close elderly (now very elderly) relative, and that the matter would be properly dealt with 'later'.
This is not how I would have wished to settle things (to put it mildly), but they're not my blood relations and if I had said anything they would not have believed me and would have accused me of trying to cause trouble rather than believe that one in their midst was capable of something so awful.

I really wish I could tell you all the whole story, some of what I'm writing looks so feeble without the background.


I'm going to be so glad when it's all over and I never have to see any of them again.

SuziQ

My experience of this is that sexual abusers often have very thick skins and rarely think they have done anything wrong. He may even be very cocky and bullish on the day-or your son may have been a 'one-off' from his youth,somthing he may deeply regret and may have never done it again. Whether to go should be decided entirely on whether you feel a strong desire to pay your respects to the deceased and maybe show compassion to one or more of the deceased.If you prefer to do that after the funeral and not attend then I think you have a very good reason and should just decide what's best for you and your son,and then only do on the day what you are comfortable with. I doubt very much that I could pretend to be civil to this person,I would have to blank them in the line up but that's because I am an unconvincing liar and become very emotional aoiut things,which shows on may face and neck with a huge blotchy red rash!

ceridwen

Hmmm...see what you are saying about the "wake" afterwards. In vino veritas and all that - alcohol often brings out the worst in people.

A question on from that - is your son intending to go to the "wake" then - or just the funeral itself?

Note your point re the elderly relative now being "very elderly". Well - from that - dont think it will be long then before "the truth will out". I guess your son and yourself can start making plans on exactly what action to take once this "very elderly" relative is not a factor to take into consideration any more (cant think of a good way to phrase that - but you know what I mean).

I have an idea - only a very vague one mind - that it could be possible to bring legal action many years after the event in the case of childhood abuse (instead of the normal 3 years or whatever). What you could do right now is find out the details of how many years later its possible to do something legally - set the police onto the abuser/whatever - and be prepared to "move" on that as soon as it feels practically possible to do so - if indeed it is still legally within the timespan allowed.