Help, How To Avoid Trouble While Keeping Integrity

paddy's_mum

Go! Show your love of the deceased by your presence. Show your love and support of your son by being alongside him.

If the perp should offer a hand to be shaken, just say very quietly "I don't think so, do you"? and pass on down the line. You will have achieved three things with just that one little sentence. You will have avoided physical contact without being rude or offensive yourself, you will have evaded him without upset to others and perhaps the most important of all, you will have let him know loud and clear that you know all about it!

That gives you a position of strength. As the saying goes 'standing on the vantage ground of truth'. I understand that feelings of revulsion are conflicting with your feelings of love and loss but can you not also see that you occupy the higher ground? Take advantage of it. Keep your head up high, those quiet words on the tip of your tongue and give the perp some real cause to be wary of you.

Remember that line "Be afraid. Be very afraid" and let perp be doing all the fretting and worrying while you blithely make your choice of clothes for the day, your travel arrangements etc. Let him be afraid while you shed this burden of loathing and carry on in normality. The burden is his and you might do well to remember that each time part of you starts to wobble and worry about what is the right thing to do. Good luck.

ceridwen

Wise words there from paddy's mum.

I've been off googling wondering what the legal position is and found:

http://www.abuselaw.co.uk/

which might be of some assistance in that aspect anyways.

lynzpower

My son was aged 4-5, the abuser in their mid-teens, we left the area (thank goodness) & have had practically* no contact since. My son told us about the abuse when he was 18, I won’t go into how I know, but I am absolutely certain that the acusations are true.
As far as I know, the abuser has no idea that anyone else knows. The one other person who I’m certain did know, is the person whos funeral it is.

it is very rare in my experience that children/ teenagers abuse other children if they have had a happy and supportive childhood themselves. You say the abuser was mid-teens? so Im guessing 15.

What Im getting at here is that if there are others in the family that have abused him, do they have access to children now?

I am very much of the opinion that when children abuse other children, it is borne out of acting out a power dynamic that they have learned somewhere, usually at home

ceridwen

Been googling again. Even better - I've found:

http://www.havoca.org/


the support group

I've just had a bit of a look-round on that website - its a very good one.

Penny-Pincher!!

Hiya!

What a difficult situation. Without knowing the full details its very difficult to know what is actually best.

There are many factors to take into consideration, but given that your son is attending, then I think I would attend to pay my repsects and support my son. He may not think that it will effect him seeing him but it will!

I cant go into my personal details on an open forum but if you would like to PM me, pease do.

Take care and remember you or your son have done NOTHING wrong!

PP
xx

bestpud

SuziQ wrote: »

My experience of this is that sexual abusers often have very thick skins and rarely think they have done anything wrong. He may even be very cocky and bullish on the day

Yes, I agree - they justify it and often firmly believe the child wanted it! They have a very strange mind set (well, obviously they do - but I mean in terms of the way they think these things through as well as the way they behave).

I really hope it was a one off but then that doesn't undo the damage to your son.

I think you are just going to have to go with your gut instinct on this.

Good luck with it and best wishes to your son as well - I really hope he gets the response he wants from this guy.

seven-day-weekend

I was going to say go to the service but not the gathering afterwards. However I see that this would not avoid the person.

I would go to support your son,(and to pay your respects to the person that has died) ignore the person in the line (no fuss or bother, just walk past them) ; if anyone says anything say you have good reasons but you do not wish to discuss them now or at any other time, stay a short while and then you and your son both leave.

MrsE_2

bestpud wrote: »

It is the other young relatives that I am concerned about here too.

Thats a point OP, do you think your son would go to the police.

Even if its too late to do anything proper in a legal sense, I think it may show up if he then had a CRB.

MrsE_2

tryingtokeepthepeace wrote: »

Harking back to exposing the abuser, when the abuser was warned off, it was made clear to them that the only reason they weren't being exposed publicly, was for the sake of not upsetting a very close elderly (now very elderly) relative, and that the matter would be properly dealt with 'later'.
.

I'm sure thats why most get away with it, to keep the peace.

Personally I wouldn't keep the peace. My DH would have dealt with him. I understand not all people would act in this way.

But PLEASE PLEASE do not let him get away with it any longer.

Sami_Bee

Hi OP,
I too am concerned about the fact that the abuser hasn't been reported to the police but i think enough has been said on that matter.
I'm just thinking as my experience of funerals is limited but all three I've been to there is a service and then the family leave the church area to bury/cremate the deceased and then return to the church so maybe you could leave after they follow the coffin.
I'm sure if its not a small service that you could slip out at this moment with out anyone realising (and even if they do they would prob assume that you were to upset to stay)
Good luck, be strong and stay proud!