Help, How To Avoid Trouble While Keeping Integrity

Merrywidow

Haallooooo trying to keep the peace - we are axiously waiting to hear the outcome please tell. MW

bestpud

inkie wrote: »

I'm just a bit puzzled by the set up. I'm a minister and obviously do funerals - when i'm at the crem, the only person who stands by the exit to shake people's hands is me - the funeral director takes the immediate family out and into the cars. If it is a burial, people usually disperse anyway i.e. there is no 'line of people' to walk past.

It's a difficult one, but hope that you manage to come to a decision that you feel happy about. One option, if you decided to miss the funeral is to go and have some time alone wiht the deceased at the chapel of rest prior to the funeral.

I must admit I have never heard of this practice at a funeral either.

Not that my experience of funerals is vast (thank goodness!) But I have never heard of it being done either.

Perhaps it's a regional thing?

Anyway, how did it go after OP? I hope you are both ok.

annie_d

I have been in a similar(ish) situation as the abused child (now an adult) and i think you should follow the lead of your son, after speaking to him and explaining to him that you are following his lead as he is now an adult and able to take control of the situation. Good luck and strength with whatever your choice is and knowing that you made your choice after a lot of heart searching and consultation with your son will make it the right one x

annie_d

I just read paddy's mum response. Perfect.

tryingtokeepthepeace

Just logging in briefly (very busy today) to say I'm still here & I managed very well thanks to all the good advice here.

I will be back later on to fill you all in on what happened.

ttktp

tryingtokeepthepeace

Hello all, sorry I’ve taken so long to get back, I didn’t want to indicate the day the funeral took place by posting immediately afterwards, so I thought the beginning of a new week would create enough of a smokescreen.


That’s interesting about the line-up procedure, perhaps as some others have suggested it’s a regional custom.
I’ve been to many funerals over the years at this particular place, a crematorium, and after the service the close relations of the deceased always stand in a line outside the door and the others mourners file past shaking their hands and commiserating with them. This is why I was worried about having to ‘greet’ the abuser.

In the event, there was no line-up (the first time I’ve ever seen that) everyone was milling around outside so I decided to talk to the chief mourner then leave quietly.
But, out of the corner of my eye I could see the abuser moving rapidly in my general direction, then realised they were making a bee-line for me!
I did exactly as paddy’s mum suggested, I spoke quietly but firmly with both of my hands raised palms out, at waist level, then turned and walked away, They followed me and tried again, but I did the same and it worked the second time.

My son said that at the wake the abuser asked him what was wrong with me, and that they’d always thought we got along well with each other. My boy replied that if they felt it was appropriate to ask me about it, to go ahead. The abuser went quiet, looked away and that was the last time I was mentioned.
I think earlier in this thread someone touched on the fact that many abusers think they’ve done nothing wrong, but even so I was astonished at the brazeness (sp?) of this person!



I didn’t got to the wake, I came straight home, poured myself a large drink & had a good cry.
To explain a little further (I don’t think this informaton’s too much of a giveaway) the deceased was my ex husband, my boy’s father, and in spite of the many years since we parted, by mutual consent, I was surprised by how strongly I felt about his passing.

This, coupled with the unusual circumstances preceding his death (which I can't talk about here ... believe me I wish I could) made the situation more difficult for me to deal with as my emotions were raging around all over the place and I didn’t trust my own judgement. Thank goodness for the support and wisdom shared with me here.


From the bottom of my heart, thank you, thank you all.


ttktp

ceridwen

Glad to hear that you got through it okay. Not surprised by the abuser being apparently oblivious of the harm they have done - what teensy experience I have had of abusers of various descriptions - I would tend to agree that they often have very thick skins and dont seem to understand that they have done anything wrong. They find ways to justify their actions to themselves in their own heads - and cant see why you should think any differently about their actions than they themselves do. From what I have seen of people like this - then the ones I knew of who went in for abusive behaviour were basically telling themself "they wanted it, they asked for it" about the person on the receiving end (not true obviously - but that is what they tend to tell themselves). The ones I knew of disregarded their moral responsibility towards respectively: someone MUCH younger than themselves (to the extent of being beneath the age of consent) on the one hand and someone who was a patient of theirs on the other hand.

Anyways - that funeral is over now - and now its time to look to the future and do what you can now for both you and your son to recover - and to think about what to do re the abuser themselves. Obviously - from the fact that they are indeed obviously oblivious of the harm they caused - then one does wonder whether they might be continuing in the "path" they have started. Anyway - you know them better than we do - and what the chances are that the incident/s with your son was one-off behaviour - or a pattern they are likely to repeat with some other unfortunate person...

It may be that part of the reason why an abuser can have such a wrongful view of themselves and their actions is that they can sometimes (though not sure how many of them this would be the case with?) be a bit of a "Jekyll and Hyde" character - so only see themselves as the Dr Jekyll part of the equation. I have heard numerous favourable comments about the ones I know from people - as other people are unaware of the "other side" to their characters.

It may be that - from your own point of view - that the best way to deal with the harm caused by this abuser may be to be able to take satisfaction from having done what you can to ensure that they cant harm anyone else ever again in the way that they have hurt you and your son. And - yes - I do have some little idea how its not a straightforward easy matter to deal with them....

anonymousie

ceridwen wrote: »

"I have my reasons - very good ones - I dont wish to talk about it" and then move on to the next person.

Oooh dear....it is a very awkward situation thats for sure. Again...I can only say what I personally would do - but I do seriously think you need to be there for your sons sake (since hes going).

ITA with the above. If it were me I think I'd want to be there for and with my son first and foremost.

paddy's_mum

ttktp - I cannot tell you how pleased I am to hear that the little strategy worked so well for you. You would now be entitled to feel that you have behaved with courage in a difficult situation but, as the title of this thread already said, kept your integrity.

It must be very hard to face the loss of an ex since you are also brought face to face, once again, with the destruction of your hopes and dreams for that marriage, which is yet another loss to be mourned in it's own right.

My final comment is this : I hope your son is as proud of your loving support as you should be of your own forethought and consideration for others and your keeping of the high ground of superb good manners. Well done - you're a credit to yourself!

Margaret54

Hi have been reading all the comments on here, and I feel that paddy's mum talked a great deal of good sense, and I wish you all the very best for the future for your dear son and yourself too. I did not add a comment as I could see how many good comments were already there. God bless you both Margaret xx