Help, How To Avoid Trouble While Keeping Integrity

tryingtokeepthepeace

First of all, I'm using an AE for reasons which will become obvious, and for the same reasons I'm keeping the details vague.

Also, I wasn't sure where to put this so if it's in the wrong place, my apologies in advance.


Due to a complicated set of circumstances, I'm expected to attend a funeral where I'll also be expected to commiserate with a person who sexually abused my son when he was a young child. I haven't seen this person since it all happened & had hoped I never, ever, would have to see them again.

I'm in a dilemma, the thought of just seeing this person is repugnant, & I can't countenance talking to them or touching them, never mind shaking their hand, hugging them etc.
But if I don't, people will wonder why & I don't want to upset the other mourners.
Right now I'm thinking of not going at all, but the other mourners will wonder why I'm not there (I'm someone who should be there) & I'd really like to pay my last respects to someone who was once very, very, important in my life.

Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I should do? How I should behave?

pattycake

I think that I would be inclined to feign illness on the day and not attend. That would sastisfy other mourners who expect you to attend.

I can understand why you wish to pay your respects to the deceased but the living are more important and seeing this wicked person again would open old wounds.

I hope you can find a solution to your very difficult problem.

mymatebob

I do not think you should attend.
The stress that it would put you under would IMHO be intolerable.

There are many reasons for not being able to go and I am sure you can come up with something.
If there are other people who need/expect to be commiserated with then a thoughtful card will have to do, or a visit at another time.

I assume that people do not know what happened in the past and there is no need to bring it up.
We all have personal reasons for doing things and if others somehow disapprove of you not being there then so be it.

Best wishes

Barneysmom

I think you should go. You are there to pay the respects of someone who has died, regardless of how you feel toward the opther person.
Hole your head up and be proud and don't let this nasty person see you quake in your boots at the sight of them. But you don't have to shake their hand, or even look at them. people might be puzzled, but will probably put it down to grief, even then you don't have to explain to anyone at all.
You know the truth, so be proud of your own behavour, and let others sort themselves out.

We're in much the same boat, with a funeral next week.

galvanizersbaby

I don't think you should attend - as another poster says feign illness etc...
I can't imagine being in your situ but I'm certain I would not be able to attend if it were me.

The person for whom you are mourning I am sure would understand and you can pay your respects to them at another time x

Zoetoes

Does the abuser know you know? They might not go themselves for fear of seeing you.

Ms_Chocaholic

I agree with the other posts that it would be best for you to not go in terms of re-opening old wounds.

Can I just clarify a few things though:

You say that "the person sexually abused your son as a young child" - I'm assuming that your son was the young child, how old was the perpetrator at the time (an ish will do) and does he/she know you are aware of the abuse.

Would you be able to attend the funeral but keep away from this person, ie could you attend the service and give some excuse as to why you are not able to attend the wake ... not sure on what basis you and they would be attending, are they related are they a close relation that you maybe couldn't avoid.

Final question, would your son be expected to attend the funeral with you. Not sure of his age now but if this is the case, then please do not take him if you plan to attend.

tryingtokeepthepeace

Thanks for all of your replies, I appreciate getting your views.

I'll reply at greater length shortly, I have to make lunch now.

ttktp

Mojisola

tryingtokeepthepeace wrote: »

Right now I'm thinking of not going at all, but the other mourners will wonder why I'm not there (I'm someone who should be there) & I'd really like to pay my last respects to someone who was once very, very, important in my life.

A diplomatic illness is called for. If you go, in the stress and grief of the situation you may say something you shouldn't. You don't want the funeral of your loved one to be remembered for when the abuse became public.

For the person who has died - could you visit the grave at a later stage and share a quiet time with the deceased?

Bitsy_Beans

It really depends on whether you can contain yourself and your feeling at the funeral. You do not have to commisterate this person or even go near them, but if you are in doubt about being able to exercise self control (which is completely understandable) then I wouldn't attend. However if you are confident that you can manage to go then perhaps sit at the back, well away from this person and slip away quietly. You will get your chance to pay your respects to someone who meant a great deal to you without drawing too much attention to your situation.

BizzyBek

If I was you I would feign illness and not go. You can then go to the grave or garden of rememberence at a different time to have a moments reflection about the person who has passed.

Don't feel pressurised into going to the funeral to keep face or to keep other mourners happy.