Relationship woes, long and fed up

pinkshoes

Are you sure moving in together is the right thing? Just because you're having a baby, doesn't mean you're ready to move in together.

It sounds to me that he's not ready for a full time relationship, and still wants to live some of his life as "one of the lads". It's like he's got his parter learning pants on, and is only at the beginner stage.

Perhaps you can set some ground rules i.e hold off moving in together, then set aside two nights a week where you spend the entire evening together, then the other five you are both free to do whatever you want, and if you DO make plans to see each other (or not see each other), you don't change them at the last minute.

Shineyhappy

It sounds to me like you and he want different things.You want him to be an adult and he wants to be a teenager.

I also think that as you have had at least one thread saying similar stuff that nothings going to change. What about keeping a diary of events? write down the he went to the pub/we argued/he came back drunk and all the good stuff too then maybe you should read it back in a while and see how it looks in print?

I wouldnt expect him to change for a long time yet if he is prepared to leave you home alone and pregnant to go on a holiday with his mate and his gf.

Loopy_Lobes

You might find then when the baby arrives he'll feel a surge of love and protectiveness towards him/her which will lead to a change in his ways. I think a lot of men 'grow up' once they become a fathers themselves and find themselves responsible for a helpless human being.

Good luck to you - if he doesn't change after his becomes a father I don't think he ever will, you'll either have to accept him as he is or make some changes.

Loopy x

Noctu

Jo_R wrote: »

I feel like although I'm unhappy, I've made a right mess of things myself and am coming across like I'm needy and clingy when what I actually mean is it would be nice to spend more time with him. I'll prob see him Wednesday but I just feel utterly rubbish.

You're pregnant with his child, of course you want to see him more - 3/4 nights out a week when he has a pregnant partner at home is taking the p*ss! Your hormones will no doubt be all over the place and you need some support like anyone else would in your situation.

You're hardly being 'needy' and 'clingy' - is that how he's got you thinking? :mad: he should be looking after you, not making you feel guilty for wanting to see him...

Paparika

paddy's_mum wrote: »

I'm going to say something that won't please you and I shall try to do it as gently as I can.

Your OH is, in my view, telling you as clearly as he knows how that he is not your "other half". He wants to be one of the boys for most of the time. If all that you say is true (no disrespect to you meant) then he does only what he wants. He gives or takes only what suits him and you can take a running jump.

What more does he need to do to make it clear to you (because he already knows where he is going) that you are not equal partners in this relationship?

Only you can know whether this relationship is going anywhere, whether you're getting enough out of it to be worth carrying on, what you can and cannot tolerate. Only he can tell you why he doesn't seem to want the cosy family life that you envisage.

Given that you sound as though you have to be the subservient one, I'd be asking myself "is this all there is to life"? It's hard and hurtful to have your hopes and dreams knocked down like this and I feel for you. Good luck and hope you have a happier day today.

Totally agree

If your looking for cosy nights in then you not with the right bloke

Jo_R_2

Noctu wrote: »

You're pregnant with his child, of course you want to see him more - 3/4 nights out a week when he has a pregnant partner at home is taking the p*ss! Your hormones will no doubt be all over the place and you need some support like anyone else would in your situation.

You're hardly being 'needy' and 'clingy' - is that how he's got you thinking? :mad: he should be looking after you, not making you feel guilty for wanting to see him...

I've said for a while now I'd like to see him more. Whilst we were 'dating' if you like, I saw it as something I'd have to learn to live with, after all (that old cliche!) I know what he was like when I met him...

But I do see things differently now things are more serious. However I don't want to demand his time - I want him to want to spend time with me. That's what hurts most I think. One day a few weeks ago I was sick all day at home running round after two kids. I texted him saying I was feeling rubbish and it would be nice if I could have him there that evening to look after me and maybe help me make dinner. He said he'd made plans but he was sorry I was feeling ill. I texted later at kids' bedtime saying would you please come over and give me a hand making myself some tea as I'm still not feeling great. He did exactly what he does when he wants to avoid something - he ignored my message until he was safely out at the pub then rang me asking how I was. That incredibly hurt my feelings because it's very rarely I ask him for help like that.

On the other hand, there's plenty of times he *has* come round, made dinner for us after a long day at work, gone out to get me takeaway, which he has paid for, when he's not having anything himself, just because I asked him to. You can see why I'm confused, it's almost like he does a stock of nice things to tide him over for a while so I can't say he doesn't help me out/make dinner/look after me, IYSWIM?

My hormones are in overload at the mo, which doesn't help. Everytime I talk to him he always says "well aren't I showing you how much I'm committed by moving in with you? We'll see each other every day then." And I think yeah, you're moving in because you said you would so I'd be happy about you going on holiday, and [as I keep saying to him] what are you doing that's showing me we *will* spend more time together when you move in? What are you doing that shows me that? Because at the mo things aren't really that different than when we started seeing each other

exup

I myself tend to be laid back but I think my girlfriend can be a control freak. It could be simply a point of view
As for being one of the boys - not really - I think the only thing I did was play pool with her Dad one night a week as she suggested something sociable (this isnt my home town I moved here to be with her).
But other than that no real vices .

The main problem that comes up now and again is I think different things are important to her. I dont care if I find the toilet roll is empty - I'll just put a fresh one on - whereas she will holler down the stairs to tell me I lef the roll to run out - This doesnt mean she hasnt done this either - but I dont think its worth getting fired up over...

"Thats the problem YOU dont thik its important"

again I think this is down to point of view - but it seems this doesnt work the other way around .
I feel that checking the cars /bike oil level or tyres - etc IS important - but I have never seen her check them - her excuse is she doesnt have time so I should do it for her. I can't check her car for her all the time. and it doesnt take that long to check the stuff. maybe she could do it instead of watching Time Team . but that's not helping the issue.

As for DIY I dont like doing it - but that doesnt mean I cant - but I will not go looking for stuff to do as it will be "the wrong time" or "the wrong place"..

All she needs to do is ask . . but this used to cause arguments - because I felt she never "asked" but would make a sarcastic or snide comment about something needing doing - and when I got wound up also
"YOU SHOULDNT NEED TO BE ASKED" - as far as I see it - if she wants something to be done - simply ask me and I will do whatever she wants - no frowning - no grumpines - I have no problem with that .

Is this one reason why you have flair ups perhaps? - when you mention about how he is with money, or goes out with mates - do you talk to him on the same level - or do you talk down to him - or be bossy when bringing the subject up?

Im not saying that it is an issue for you - but its only recently that I have made my girlfriend see things from my point of view. and that I actually do alot, but she has to talk to me with some respect.

Jo_R_2

exup wrote: »

All she needs to do is ask . . but this used to cause arguments - because I felt she never "asked" but would make a sarcastic or snide comment about something needing doing - and when I got wound up also
"YOU SHOULDNT NEED TO BE ASKED" - as far as I see it - if she wants something to be done - simply ask me and I will do whatever she wants - no frowning - no grumpines - I have no problem with that .

Is this one reason why you have flair ups perhaps? - when you mention about how he is with money, or goes out with mates - do you talk to him on the same level - or do you talk down to him - or be bossy when bringing the subject up?

Im not saying that it is an issue for you - but its only recently that I have made my girlfriend see things from my point of view. and that I actually do alot, but she has to talk to me with some respect.

Thanks - that's actually really interesting from a guy POV.

I have been guilty of the 'why do I need to ask you/tell you' scenario. Sometimes it does upset me if he doesn't realise stuff. I have come to realise myself that yes it pains me but I do have to spell things out for him.

Example: we went to my best mate's wedding a few weeks ago. Come the reception, OH disappeared for most of the night, leaving me looking after DD2 who was asleep in her car seat, so couldn't go anywhere. After a few hours I went outside taking DDs with me, and was really wound up because he'd left me and didn't help out at all. We fell out about it, and one of the things he said was that I hadn't actually said I wanted help, so how could he know that if I didn't tell him? [Not that I could have really told him seeing as he'd disappeared but fair point to an extent.] I took this on board and now say outright if something bothers me or I need something.

He asked me the other day if I'd be bothered if he went home (he'd not been back long from holiday.) I said, yes, it would bother me a bit. So he went home anyway... I didn't say enough apparently - I should have said, 'yes, it bothers me a lot, I want you to stay' Seriously - I tell him I'm bothered but even THAT isn't enough? I can't win!

galvanizersbaby

Jo_R wrote: »

Thanks - that's actually really interesting from a guy POV.

I have been guilty of the 'why do I need to ask you/tell you' scenario. Sometimes it does upset me if he doesn't realise stuff. I have come to realise myself that yes it pains me but I do have to spell things out for him.

Example: we went to my best mate's wedding a few weeks ago. Come the reception, OH disappeared for most of the night, leaving me looking after DD2 who was asleep in her car seat, so couldn't go anywhere. After a few hours I went outside taking DDs with me, and was really wound up because he'd left me and didn't help out at all. We fell out about it, and one of the things he said was that I hadn't actually said I wanted help, so how could he know that if I didn't tell him? [Not that I could have really told him seeing as he'd disappeared but fair point to an extent.] I took this on board and now say outright if something bothers me or I need something.

He asked me the other day if I'd be bothered if he went home (he'd not been back long from holiday.) I said, yes, it would bother me a bit. So he went home anyway... I didn't say enough apparently - I should have said, 'yes, it bothers me a lot, I want you to stay' Seriously - I tell him I'm bothered but even THAT isn't enough? I can't win!

By why do you have to spell it out for him or ask him for help - you are pregnant with his child for heavens sake! :mad:
Sorry to say but he sounds very childish to me - I hope your situation improves when you've had the baby x

Jo_R_2

galvanizersbaby wrote: »

By why do you have to spell it out for him or ask him for help - you are pregnant with his child for heavens sake! :mad:
Sorry to say but he sounds very childish to me - I hope your situation improves when you've had the baby x

Cheers - what I have thought many a time - but want him to know I am listening and taking what he says on board as I would wish him to iyswim?

I have started to wonder if I am demanding, I openly admit I am high-maintenance! I don't need anyone else to validate my existence or to 'make' me happy, but conversely at this point I feel that I almost do 'need' him in some way. I've felt the same previously when pregnant but it was never a problem then. I know I need his reassurance (I'm sick of that phrase now!) but I'm starting to feel like it's my weakness now.