Relationship woes, long and fed up

Jo_R_2

CelticStar wrote: »

But that's kind of my point in a way. Sometimes what we feel we want more than anything is not really what is good for us or what will make us happy in the long run, you can passionately want something/someone but that does not always mean you are happy when you have it.

Life will always throw challenges and difficulties at you which will put pressures on a relationship, but if the relationship itself is what you are arguing about then you have a real problem - and this is what seems to be happening for the OP.

I relate to your comments about untidiness as I am a real neat freak myself and my husband (though not really messy) is less so. This could have been a real cause of friction between us but because my husband loves me so much he was willing to compromise and because I love him so much I was willing to compromise as well and we have found a really amicable middle ground. If I had had to completely capitulate I would have felt less loved and as if my needs were less valuable than his which would have meant that, to me, there was a problem within the relationship. I suppose I feel that it's not friction that is the problem but how you deal with it and if you learn to deal with it better then you will have less and less friction as time goes on.

I don't know, perhaps I am just lucky in this respect but so many of my friends have said how they wish they could find someone like my OH as they can see how happy we are. But when push has come to shove most of them have chosen partners who are typical 'bad boys' or commitment phobes and who make them really unhappy in the long term. It's like they're hung up on the turbulence of their relationships and think that if a relationship isn't like this then it can't be passionate. The only exception has been my best friend who told me - after I met my OH and she saw us together - that she was specifically going to start looking for someone who was similar and would treat her in the same way as my OH treats me. I'm happy to say that she married her OH - who is really like my OH in personality - last year and they are blissfully happy. I guess what I am saying is that it can be difficult for people to realise what will make them happy and to separate it from sexual desire (not that you can't have both of course ). If you're constantly having to think that your partner 'is the perfect person if only they would just.................' then they probably aren't the perfect person.

This is very insightful and I completely agree. I will admit that I can be completely stubborn about some things that other people probably wouldn't blink about (generally and in relationships) and do find it hard to compromise when I feel so strongly, but because I love him I feel like I can look into myself and see if I can find a way to balance things out. He is as stubborn as I am which as you can imagine is a really volatile combination!

I feel that generally I am good at handling conflict, fight-fire-with-water sort of thing. However what REALLY winds me up about him (and I swear, no one else has this effect on me to be able to make me angry, and ever has!) is when I tell him if something is bothering me, and I have come to realise that many of our arguments come from the fact that I seem to be telling him about a particular issue over and over, and he's either not listening or not understanding, then we only actually seem to be able to understand each other when we get to that, "what on earth is happening and how has it got to this?" stage. Like his holiday he's just come back from - it must've took about four weeks for him to 'get' that it wasn't that I was annoyed when he did stuff without me, but that I felt him going away in what I felt was a frivolous fashion was symbolic of my worry of his lack of commitment (if that makes sense!) Then when he turned round and said, "so you don't want me to go because you think it shows your worries about me not being committed to you?" HALLELUJAH! Only what I've been saying for the past month! :mad:

Uniscots97

Jo_R wrote: »

It was more agreeing after the event. Completely unplanned, baby defied the contraceptive odds, what can I say...

Are you sure this isn't his way of saying he doesn't want a child? My best male friend, ended up with someone who had a child from a previous relationship. He said (only have his word on this one), that they'd never discussed having children. When she discovered she was pregnant he felt pressured to be responsible like some of his older pals when in fact it wasn't at all what he wanted. He would try avoiding the issue with this girl and he is at the moment seeing someone behind her back. He says he can't face telling her he doesn't want the hassle (his words). I've told him I don't approve of what he's doing and he's promised he'll sort it out and tell his gf he's met someone else and that he doesn't want the child and wants her to terminate (if what he says is correct she doesn't have that option much longer). I've said to him to remember that might not be an option but he's determined he's having nothing to do with the baby at all. He's 31 and a grown up in every other aspect 31 by the way (just in case you were thinking he was young and naive).

I don't want to go into major detail but they sound very similar, my friend loves the single guy lifestyle and its what makes my blood boil with him. Yet no one will be able to change him its the way he is. Are you sure your boyfriend is really ready for this? If not, I'd suggest you move on for your sake and the kids.

candygirl

I'm sorry you're going through this hun, but he will never change.Any baby no matter how much you love it, makes a relationship harder , not easier:(
My DD has just moved back in with me as her bf changed completely after they concieved a planned baby, one that he had begged and begged her to try for:rolleyes:
I hope things work out for you with him, but tbh I don't think he will ever want to grow up, and become the man and father you want/need for your child:o
Good luck with the baby:D

Jo_R_2

unixgirluk wrote: »

Are you sure this isn't his way of saying he doesn't want a child? My best male friend, ended up with someone who had a child from a previous relationship. He said (only have his word on this one), that they'd never discussed having children. When she discovered she was pregnant he felt pressured to be responsible like some of his older pals when in fact it wasn't at all what he wanted. He would try avoiding the issue with this girl and he is at the moment seeing someone behind her back. He says he can't face telling her he doesn't want the hassle (his words). I've told him I don't approve of what he's doing and he's promised he'll sort it out and tell his gf he's met someone else and that he doesn't want the child and wants her to terminate (if what he says is correct she doesn't have that option much longer). I've said to him to remember that might not be an option but he's determined he's having nothing to do with the baby at all. He's 31 and a grown up in every other aspect 31 by the way (just in case you were thinking he was young and naive).

I don't want to go into major detail but they sound very similar, my friend loves the single guy lifestyle and its what makes my blood boil with him. Yet no one will be able to change him its the way he is. Are you sure your boyfriend is really ready for this? If not, I'd suggest you move on for your sake and the kids.

OH is honest to the point of bluntness, and this is, surprisingly or not, one of the things I like about him. I can always have faith in knowing if I ask him an outright question, I'll get the truth whether I like it or not. So in that respect, I have no qualms about him wanting this baby. I don't doubt he'll love and care for baby and provide whatever he can for him/her.

I suppose it's the dedication to the family unit that I have worried about. I had a terribly bad experience with my DD's father who right at the end of our relationship was spending every weeknight going straight out at 5pm and coming back very late or not at all, and - I know this bit sounds terribly petty and I shouldn't really worry about it - got all his friends (some of whom are my friends also) thinking I was some kind of obsessive who demanded his time and attention all the time, and wouldn't allow him any freedom or money to enjoy himself with.

OH said something when we were arguing about him going on holiday, along the lines of, well everyone I've spoken to can't see why you wouldn't want me to go, and I flipped at the thought of his friends thinking I was that person like I'd been painted to be before when I think what I'm asking for is not actually that unreasonable!

Jo_R_2

Hi all

Recently posted here: http://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/showthread.html?t=1160239 about my relationship troubles.

Things going good at the mo, we seem to have cleared the air and he's listening to me a lot more. Things have come up this last few days which we might have argued about before but I've tried to handle them better, he's been a lot more sensitive because of my various outbursts of how he never listens :eek: and we seem to have found some middle ground. I am aware it's been just a few days and I'm hoping it'll continue like this!

I suppose I am a little anxious though because he's moving in this weekend and I worry... I guess I worry about a lot of things, not just stuff we've argued about but things that have come up from my relationship with my ex where I don't want to make the same mistakes again.

Me and OH are gonna sit down and have a chat about our expectations over moving in, things like who will take what responsibility for what housework, how we're going to handle money (we're going to do a budget at some point soon), how often it is reasonable to go out (and the associated spending of money), that sort of thing.

Thing is, I never actually did this so much with ex and I think this is where some of the problems lay there. I guess I just want to do things right and sort out any issues before we're actually in together so things go as smoothly as they can.

Part of it is I've always worked up til recently and I'm not sure how to manage money in terms of who takes responsibility for what, now one of us will be working and one won't, and one of my worries which is something that we touched on yesterday, is dividing up money for rent, bills etc then what's left over, how we divide it, I suppose having our 'own' little budget each for spends, if what is left over is 'his' money (I think he sees it a bit like this because he went out and earned it.)

As things are, I don't really have anything much left over after everything's been paid, I'm still paying a loan from when with my ex who doesn't contribute, and it really is a huge expense given my low incomings. I'm currently waiting to sort out a claim on my PPI for it but understandably OH is reluctant to pay for a debt that has nothing to do with him.

I'm not sure how to go about it really I guess! Any tips or pointers would be great

sarymclary

I'm facing a similar dilemma right now (half way through a month's trial living together). From my experience, which is limited I suppose, I would just recommend ensuring you keep talking calmly about things. It can be tricky when you have to discuss money issues, and harder still if you aren't the wage earner. However, if your OH is deciding to move in, then I guess he has to take on the responsibility that comes with it, whether you are working or not. It's not like he's walking in with is eyes shut. I do understand why he wouldn't want to undertake paying for an ex's debt tho'. Is there no way you can raise some extra cash to put towards clearing this debt quicker?

I think that if you both lay your cards on the table, know what your 'joint' expenses are going to be like household/utilities/food bills, and then make provision for both of you to have some spending money each, that would be the best way forward. The problems I can see arising for me will be if I choose to spend money on itmes for the house (like towels, cushions, extra stuff), but my OH only spent his on going out or on his bikes, etc. I may see that my items purchased were for joint benefit, because he'll use the towels, but I don't get the benefit of his bike bits. It was my choice to spend my money that way tho', rather than us jointly wanting to purchase things. If you're not going to have much disposable income for yourself, you just have to make sure you aren't wasting it on unneccesary items, so that you do have some cash if you need it to buy gifts for friends, or days out, etc.

Don't allow any resentments to build up, as it can be so explosive when they finally surface. Better to deal with things as they crop up. All relationships need give and take on both sides. I understand you wanting to get things right. I hope it all works out for you.

My_Fathers_Daughter

Whilst I agree that talking about what you expect when you move in together is a sensible way forward...but try not to lose sight of the fact that the two of you living together is above all a gesture of love and commitment. Nobody wants to live in an atmosphere of enforced rules and you can never legislate for what the future may bring.

Having said all that I haven't read the other thread so I could well be talking out of my bottom given your circumstances.

I guess I am just trying to say don't let all the serious stuff overwhelm the love and fun that a relationship should bring you both.

Best of luck.

MFD xxx

Skint_Catt

On the basis that things are going well so far my experience is that they don't continue and you both fall back into old ways.

OH and I had clear discussions before we moved in together (after a year and we've been living together for a further year now) but it all goes to pot. We both work full time but as I get home 1.5 hours before he does I do nearly everything in the house. Part of the problem is he 'just doesn't see' what needs doing - I think thats a man thing but I'm sick of asking him to help me so I just don't. We've had a few rough patches recently about such things (and others) but after a week or so it always reverts back. Now I've just accepted it.

leyla-aurelia

Looking at your other thread, maybe you need to be VERY clear about your minimum expectations of each other--we all have ideals, but in my experience, meeting the minimum is usually enough for harmony. In my house we periodically review and share out the 'jobs to be done'. I still do the majority, but that's on the undestanding that if I ask for help, it's given without too much moaning, usually works, lol.

At the end of the day it's about give and take, and things usually work better if everyone knows where they stand, and what's expected of them. My DH's main gripe is usually related to not knowing/misunderstanding what I want or expect of him. The teenage kids are similar--it just takes a bit more bloody mindedness to get them doing their 'jobs' regularly, without being hassled, but once it's in their system it's OK, lol.

DeeDee74

i think it's a good thing to work out who pays for what and how much before he moves in saves arguing over it later...
me and my ex oh had an agreement we both payed half of everything even when i didn't work.
yeah of course he had more money than me but then when he was working why shouldn't he??
did have arguments when he wouldn't put any money toward the kids as thay was both of ours he looked at that as my problem and an extra expense i did on my own..
if you know you will have prob's with not working make a short term plan with him to be reviewed when you get job..
I'm sure it'll all work out if you open to what u both think is fair..
good luck dee x