Relationship woes, long and fed up

Pssst

Hi Jo,,
just read your initial posting,apologies but havent read all the follwups. My reaction is that this is going nowhere. Send him away,get on with your life but make sure he contributes to the upkeep of his child(ren).

He is behaving like a single man,having his cake and eating it and whilst you allow it,it will continue.

Primrose

Your comments worry me. I sense that perhaps you are quite a needy person, and that your boyfriend has a commitment problem. I really wonder whether you are right for each other long term. He seems to be acting as if he feels trapped - wanting to move in with you but still wanting to behave in his leisure hours like a single chap. He isn't necessarily going to change just because you have a baby on the way. In fact, he may feel even more trapped once the baby arrives and you have a greater need of his emotional and physical support. Ask yourself seriously if he is really permanent partner material. If he isn't, will you be able to cope with the ensuing long term disillusion and disappointment?

ceridwen

I'm just wondering what was said between you during the conversations you had back before the baby was conceived - the ones in which you discussed whether you were going to have a baby together or no and he agreed that you would both do so

What exactly did he say besides "Yes, I agree, I'd like a baby too - so we'll try for one now". Did you agree during those "shall we/shant we have a baby together?" conversations when you expected to be living together and how much time you would spend together as a couple?

gizmo111

Apart from being utterly selfish, has it occured to you that he doesn't know how to act in a commited relationship, and is scared of not only the change to living together but the expectations of when the baby is born.

I think this weekend you need to sit down before he moved in and discuss how its going ot be practically and financially when you live together. What will eb the ground rules - is it acceptable for him to go out once a week? once a month? Will you have your own spending money? Will finances be seperate? What is he expecting from living together? How will you share child care? Who does the house hold chores? and so on - all this sort of stuff needs to be discussed before you can settle together.

miserly_mum

You really need to ask yourself....

1. Do I want to raise 3 children on my own or...

2. Do I want to raise 3 children on my own despite having a "partner" who lives with me but lets me get on with it because he's too young/immature/commitment phobic or whatever (you can fill in the blanks...I mean excuses) to really take any signifigant part in it.

You might live and cope with it for a while but it will get to you eventually ( I know) and wether it's 1,2 or 10 years you'll end up on your own anyway and mean time you'll be miserable.

CelticStar

ameliarate wrote: »

Oh if life were that simple, but I am really not sure that is true.

I have been with my OH for ten years now and we are forever arguing about something. I think it is in part to do with the fact that we are both very alike, very stubborn and very passionate, but also during that period there have been so many changes going on in our lives and adjusting to various things at various times hasn't necessarily been easy. What we both agree on is that we love each other and couldn't bear to be apart or to be with anyone else and we have to work very very hard to make things work smoothly for us (still not quite got it right).

I'm not saying that is the same for the OP but so many of the things she is saying are so similar to our situation that maybe it is.

One thing I have learned is that you cannot force people to change or make them have the same priorities as you. Him indoors, as a very minor example, couldn't care less if the house is a tip and I do. Try as I might I can't get him to be tidy and have finally stopped trying and just get on with it. Possibly not fair but actually it doesn't take that long, I don't get wound up because he hasn't done it and we don't argue about it anymore.

But that's kind of my point in a way. Sometimes what we feel we want more than anything is not really what is good for us or what will make us happy in the long run, you can passionately want something/someone but that does not always mean you are happy when you have it.

Life will always throw challenges and difficulties at you which will put pressures on a relationship, but if the relationship itself is what you are arguing about then you have a real problem - and this is what seems to be happening for the OP.

I relate to your comments about untidiness as I am a real neat freak myself and my husband (though not really messy) is less so. This could have been a real cause of friction between us but because my husband loves me so much he was willing to compromise and because I love him so much I was willing to compromise as well and we have found a really amicable middle ground. If I had had to completely capitulate I would have felt less loved and as if my needs were less valuable than his which would have meant that, to me, there was a problem within the relationship. I suppose I feel that it's not friction that is the problem but how you deal with it and if you learn to deal with it better then you will have less and less friction as time goes on.

I don't know, perhaps I am just lucky in this respect but so many of my friends have said how they wish they could find someone like my OH as they can see how happy we are. But when push has come to shove most of them have chosen partners who are typical 'bad boys' or commitment phobes and who make them really unhappy in the long term. It's like they're hung up on the turbulence of their relationships and think that if a relationship isn't like this then it can't be passionate. The only exception has been my best friend who told me - after I met my OH and she saw us together - that she was specifically going to start looking for someone who was similar and would treat her in the same way as my OH treats me. I'm happy to say that she married her OH - who is really like my OH in personality - last year and they are blissfully happy. I guess what I am saying is that it can be difficult for people to realise what will make them happy and to separate it from sexual desire (not that you can't have both of course ). If you're constantly having to think that your partner 'is the perfect person if only they would just.................' then they probably aren't the perfect person.

Kai'sMummy

Please, please, my darling, thimk about youself!! I dont know, but imagine from your posts that you are both in your 20's?.....I am in my (late) 30's now and have much experience in relationships. That said, I know you won't listen to anything you are not ready to hear, but this guy does not sound like one of lifes "diamonds". YOU deserve better and so do children, please do as I did in my mid 20's and put YOURSELF first. In my experience, the stronger you act (whetther you feel like it or not!!) the better the treatment you get. I.E Put yourself as a priority and he will too.....I Truly hopes this works out for you, but until you believe in yourself and DEMAND a little r.e.s.p.e.c.t. then he will not show it.....as the saying goes, "you don't know what you've got til it's gone"................so show him what misery life is without you, or at least show him you are willing to cope on your own!! He will come running back if he is worth anything...I have a man who is 1in a million (luckily) and if you need this re-iterating from a man's point of view I know he wouldn't mind (may have to type myself thought !!) I wish you all the happiness in the world, life is hard and you need somone to help you through it as we all do (my man wakes up and tells me how beautiful I am without make up, pillow lines still on my face! He misses me when he goes down the shop, and falls to sleep thinking about what a wonderful life we and our 2 children will one day have together....when I cry and have pink eyes and black all down my cheeks he hugs me and tells me I am gorgeous I am, and has bought me flowers every week we have been together - almost 4 yrs now) YOU DESERVE A MAN LIKE THIS!!!! IF he is not the ONE, then wait patiently until he comes into your life (you won't need to look!!!) The universe will give you what you need when you ASK for it. Judge yourself worthy of respect and love,, and others will too................:A

ameliarate

But that's kind of my point in a way. Sometimes what we feel we want more than anything is not really what is good for us or what will make us happy in the long run, you can passionately want something/someone but that does not always mean you are happy when you have it.

You are absolutely right, I just feel that the OP is not perhaps looking at her partners good points so much as looking at the negatives, which in a way is what I was doing. You can't change someone so you need to work out whether their good points are worth putting up with their bad points for. So he likes to go out with his mates, so what? As long as he is "there" for her, supporting here and the kids, doing his share is it so bad that he wants to be out a couple of nights a week? My OH needs that because he is into music and needs to be with other like minded people, but I don't. So she has to ask him for things/to do things well so do I cos he just honestly doesn't see what needs doing, on the other hand he will bring me silly little presents for no reason, come and cuddle me out of the blue, suddenly one day tidy up and vacuum while I am at work.

I just think she should look at herself and the whole relationship before throwing everything away and see whether perhaps she needs to change as well. I know I had to, I was blaming OH for everything when actually a lot of it was my fault too and I was always looking at the negative and not seeing the positives.

Jo_R_2

Primrose wrote: »

Your comments worry me. I sense that perhaps you are quite a needy person, and that your boyfriend has a commitment problem. I really wonder whether you are right for each other long term. He seems to be acting as if he feels trapped - wanting to move in with you but still wanting to behave in his leisure hours like a single chap. He isn't necessarily going to change just because you have a baby on the way. In fact, he may feel even more trapped once the baby arrives and you have a greater need of his emotional and physical support. Ask yourself seriously if he is really permanent partner material. If he isn't, will you be able to cope with the ensuing long term disillusion and disappointment?

I have thought about this a lot. It's odd you know - the reason why one of my long-term relationships broke up years ago was partly because my ex said I was "too independent"! And yet here I am asking for reassurance...

I don't think I'm needy per se, but I do think I am right now where I am if that makes sense? I think I mentioned previously I do expect this somewhat in pregnancy anyway, I've had it before, you *do* feel very vulnerable at times. I think it's some combination of me and him because I've never felt it like this before.

Jo_R_2

ceridwen wrote: »

I'm just wondering what was said between you during the conversations you had back before the baby was conceived - the ones in which you discussed whether you were going to have a baby together or no and he agreed that you would both do so

What exactly did he say besides "Yes, I agree, I'd like a baby too - so we'll try for one now". Did you agree during those "shall we/shant we have a baby together?" conversations when you expected to be living together and how much time you would spend together as a couple?

It was more agreeing after the event. Completely unplanned, baby defied the contraceptive odds, what can I say...