Relationship woes, long and fed up

galvanizersbaby

Jo_R wrote: »

Cheers - what I have thought many a time - but want him to know I am listening and taking what he says on board as I would wish him to iyswim?

I have started to wonder if I am demanding, I openly admit I am high-maintenance! I don't need anyone else to validate my existence or to 'make' me happy, but conversely at this point I feel that I almost do 'need' him in some way. I've felt the same previously when pregnant but it was never a problem then. I know I need his reassurance (I'm sick of that phrase now!) but I'm starting to feel like it's my weakness now.

I think what you are feeling is completely natural - please don't think that you are too demanding or weak in needing his reassurance.
I recently fell pg (unplanned) and sadly miscarried but I felt exactly the same as your feeling regarding reassurance (though my OH tried his best to make me feel everything was going to be ok)
I think you probably realise in your heart of heart's that he may carry on in the same way when baby comes along but I really hope for your sake he does grow up a bit x

exup

Jo_R wrote: »

Thanks - that's actually really interesting from a guy POV.

I have been guilty of the 'why do I need to ask you/tell you' scenario. Sometimes it does upset me if he doesn't realise stuff. I have come to realise myself that yes it pains me but I do have to spell things out for him.

Example: we went to my best mate's wedding a few weeks ago. Come the reception, OH disappeared for most of the night, leaving me looking after DD2 who was asleep in her car seat, so couldn't go anywhere. After a few hours I went outside taking DDs with me, and was really wound up because he'd left me and didn't help out at all. We fell out about it, and one of the things he said was that I hadn't actually said I wanted help, so how could he know that if I didn't tell him? [Not that I could have really told him seeing as he'd disappeared but fair point to an extent.] I took this on board and now say outright if something bothers me or I need something.

He asked me the other day if I'd be bothered if he went home (he'd not been back long from holiday.) I said, yes, it would bother me a bit. So he went home anyway... I didn't say enough apparently - I should have said, 'yes, it bothers me a lot, I want you to stay' Seriously - I tell him I'm bothered but even THAT isn't enough? I can't win!

for me that doesnt seem fair on you at the wedding - If we have taken the kids out with us then its only fair to look after them aswell. Same as on holiday - If you wanted all the time to yourself then you should have thought about having kids before (this isnt a dig at you at all - just a general comment).
In that way we dont have a problem - we usually keep the kids with us if we are mixing, unless our daughter wants to dance - and then its usually me she drags onto the floor - which I guess I should be thankful that Im good "ahem" enough not to embarress her .

The only other thing I suggest is communication - don't expect your other half to take anything for granted. The amount of times I have asked -
"Do you want this doing ? "
and got the answer "No - not right now"
"Do you want this doing?"
"No not just . . ."
etc etc.

Then suddenly its the right time to do it and I have missed the right time slot..
"I asked if you wanted this doing"
"I didnt then - I do know"

its like the goalpoasts have been changed while I wasnt looking.
If something is upsetting you, don't bottle it up, let him know as he may simply not realise (and vice versa), but its got to be two way .

Jo_R_2

exup wrote: »

for me that doesnt seem fair on you at the wedding - If we have taken the kids out with us then its only fair to look after them aswell. Same as on holiday - If you wanted all the time to yourself then you should have thought about having kids before (this isnt a dig at you at all - just a general comment).
In that way we dont have a problem - we usually keep the kids with us if we are mixing, unless our daughter wants to dance - and then its usually me she drags onto the floor - which I guess I should be thankful that Im good "ahem" enough not to embarress her .

The only other thing I suggest is communication - don't expect your other half to take anything for granted. The amount of times I have asked -
"Do you want this doing ? "
and got the answer "No - not right now"
"Do you want this doing?"
"No not just . . ."
etc etc.

Then suddenly its the right time to do it and I have missed the right time slot..
"I asked if you wanted this doing"
"I didnt then - I do know"

its like the goalpoasts have been changed while I wasnt looking.
If something is upsetting you, don't bottle it up, let him know as he may simply not realise (and vice versa), but its got to be two way .

The thing with the kids - I think that's made awkward because they're not his. This is something we've talked about a lot. He does help out, I won't make out like he never does anything - but I often get the 'well, we don't actually live together yet' when we talk about it, and when we argue and it gets brought up, he comes across plenty like he's 'helping me out' (he's said this before) and as if he's doing me a favour and I should be grateful that he's done what he has. And I appreciate what he does, because I know he worries a lot and finds the thought of it difficult, but I don't want to feel like I'm in his debt for it.

exup

you shouldnt have to feel in his debt - and he shouldnt really make you feel that way either - If I'm in a relationship with someone then I do something to help her out simply because I can and we are togther - I don't expect to mark it up on the list of "favours to be repayed".

CelticStar

OP, I've learned something over the years that might be of use to you here. When a relationship is the right one you don't get these endless complications, battles, misery and insecurity. When it's right everything is easy and uncomplicated - you love your other half and they love you and there are no mind games or endless conversations about how much 'space' either of you need. If you love someone you long to be together and being together makes the world a better place. If you don't feel like that and your partner doesn't feel like that then chances are you just aren't in the right relationship. I know this is a scary thing to face, particularly as you are pregnant, but I've found that it really is the truth. I look back on the complicated relationships I've had and, in retrospect, they were complicated because I just wasn't with the right person/people.

Good luck in the future, you deserve to be happy and to have someone love you enough to put you first.

Jo_R_2

CelticStar wrote: »

OP, I've learned something over the years that might be of use to you here. When a relationship is the right one you don't get these endless complications, battles, misery and insecurity. When it's right everything is easy and uncomplicated - you love your other half and they love you and there are no mind games or endless conversations about how much 'space' either of you need. If you love someone you long to be together and being together makes the world a better place. If you don't feel like that and your partner doesn't feel like that then chances are you just aren't in the right relationship. I know this is a scary thing to face, particularly as you are pregnant, but I've found that it really is the truth. I look back on the complicated relationships I've had and, in retrospect, they were complicated because I just wasn't with the right person/people.

Good luck in the future, you deserve to be happy and to have someone love you enough to put you first.

It's so hard sometimes and then other times it's great and so easy... Like at the moment, after our massive row the other day, things got horribly worse, and now they're much better. I don't know what happened, I don't know what he said or what I said to make me or him feel differently, but it's crazy, things are really good. He's being sweet, I don't feel like I can't stand to look at him

He asked me the other day if I thought he loved me. I said yes. He asked if I trusted him. I said yes. He asked if I honestly believed he wasn't committed, and I said hand on heart I couldn't come out and say I was sure he was, and somehow he seemed really hurt by this... I think he has been a bit shocked by me saying a couple of times that I wasn't sure if he was ready to move in. I said like I felt in turmoil because to me, I am unsure if it *is* the right thing but I am taking a massive risk in putting my faith in him that he means what he says and moving in with him. God he seemed so taken aback by that, I can't understand it after everything I've told him.

He said it's what he wants more than anything, all he thinks about at the moment is us moving in, he's off looking at stuff for the house, thinking about baby names, that sort of thing... This makes it harder when things are bad because bizarre as it sounds I actually have no doubt that he loves me and that he will love this baby... I can't not move in together though, from what he's said I want to see what happens, I want to at least give him that chance because I do feel (from previous relationship experience) that if things do go bad (which I sincerely hope they don't), I can cope by myself, I've done it before should it ever come to that.

burnsguitarman

Your boyfriend has to accept that your 2 daughters come along with you as a package, whether you live together or not!
When you have this next child, is he going to be the same and not help because you don't live together, or he he going to accept that he has 3 children that he needs to be responsible for?
It is perfectly natural, that you are confused and upset with him, I think anyone reading this thread would be too!

ameliarate

CelticStar wrote: »

OP, I've learned something over the years that might be of use to you here. When a relationship is the right one you don't get these endless complications, battles, misery and insecurity. When it's right everything is easy and uncomplicated - you love your other half and they love you and there are no mind games or endless conversations about how much 'space' either of you need. If you love someone you long to be together and being together makes the world a better place. If you don't feel like that and your partner doesn't feel like that then chances are you just aren't in the right relationship. I know this is a scary thing to face, particularly as you are pregnant, but I've found that it really is the truth. I look back on the complicated relationships I've had and, in retrospect, they were complicated because I just wasn't with the right person/people.

Good luck in the future, you deserve to be happy and to have someone love you enough to put you first.

Oh if life were that simple, but I am really not sure that is true.

I have been with my OH for ten years now and we are forever arguing about something. I think it is in part to do with the fact that we are both very alike, very stubborn and very passionate, but also during that period there have been so many changes going on in our lives and adjusting to various things at various times hasn't necessarily been easy. What we both agree on is that we love each other and couldn't bear to be apart or to be with anyone else and we have to work very very hard to make things work smoothly for us (still not quite got it right).

I'm not saying that is the same for the OP but so many of the things she is saying are so similar to our situation that maybe it is.

One thing I have learned is that you cannot force people to change or make them have the same priorities as you. Him indoors, as a very minor example, couldn't care less if the house is a tip and I do. Try as I might I can't get him to be tidy and have finally stopped trying and just get on with it. Possibly not fair but actually it doesn't take that long, I don't get wound up because he hasn't done it and we don't argue about it anymore.

Jo_R_2

ameliarate wrote: »

Oh if life were that simple, but I am really not sure that is true.

I have been with my OH for ten years now and we are forever arguing about something. I think it is in part to do with the fact that we are both very alike, very stubborn and very passionate, but also during that period there have been so many changes going on in our lives and adjusting to various things at various times hasn't necessarily been easy. What we both agree on is that we love each other and couldn't bear to be apart or to be with anyone else and we have to work very very hard to make things work smoothly for us (still not quite got it right).

I'm not saying that is the same for the OP but so many of the things she is saying are so similar to our situation that maybe it is.

One thing I have learned is that you cannot force people to change or make them have the same priorities as you. Him indoors, as a very minor example, couldn't care less if the house is a tip and I do. Try as I might I can't get him to be tidy and have finally stopped trying and just get on with it. Possibly not fair but actually it doesn't take that long, I don't get wound up because he hasn't done it and we don't argue about it anymore.

I can relate to this!

What I do know is that we are very similar and yet very different, but in many ways we both think the differences come from our respective 'positions' in life. I left home at 19 to go to uni, moved to a different city, have lived with friends and whatnot, and had long-term relationships, and am at a different point in my life. I chose those years ago to have DD1 and the responsibility that goes with it, and obviously as a parent you carry that with you, and it changes you from who you were before.

I think a lot has come about with him from meeting me, our relationship and the pregnancy. not just about him 'growing up' but facing all the things he wanted to do in his life and hasn't yet, questioning who he is. I think in some ways he feels out of control and his way of keeping control on what is going on in his life is to act how he has been.

ameliarate

Jo_R wrote: »

I can relate to this!

What I do know is that we are very similar and yet very different, but in many ways we both think the differences come from our respective 'positions' in life. I left home at 19 to go to uni, moved to a different city, have lived with friends and whatnot, and had long-term relationships, and am at a different point in my life. I chose those years ago to have DD1 and the responsibility that goes with it, and obviously as a parent you carry that with you, and it changes you from who you were before.

I think a lot has come about with him from meeting me, our relationship and the pregnancy. not just about him 'growing up' but facing all the things he wanted to do in his life and hasn't yet, questioning who he is. I think in some ways he feels out of control and his way of keeping control on what is going on in his life is to act how he has been.

Mine got married quite young and had a couple of kids then got divorced and has pretty much lived his own life til he met me, he really had no responsibility at all as his ex-wife had the kids.
I travelled and lived abroad before I had my daughter but once I had her of course had to be far more responsible, particularly as a single parent.
I think because he did the marriage , mortgage and kids thing he feels he missed out on stuff, he got stuck in a job he didn't like and now is probably trying to do the things he should have done earlier, whereas my priorities have changed and become more home loving.

I really think you know deep down whether you want to be with someone and whether the crappy bits are worth the good bits. I don't mean the "cos I love him" answers on shows like Jeremy Kyle

Are you able and willing to compromise and is it worth it? I have figured that it is worth it for many reasons but it is hugely different for me because I am older than you and our kids are grown up and although they are at university and still our responsibility they are not in the house. One thing I couldn't put up with was my daughter having to hear us argue which is why we lived in separate houses for a few years until she left for uni.