Relationship woes, long and fed up

Jo_R_2

candygirl wrote: »

Hi hun;)
You're right AM, there seems to be a lot of probs for Jo to overcome if the relationship is gonna work.Jo in your heart of hearts, dya think it's gonna work hun?

Honestly? I don't know. I guess you never do though do you until you try - that is, as in moving in and being a family. We have had problems despite the fact we've not even moved in or had baby yet... But I can see he's trying and I figure now we're getting everything, all the little gripes and whatnot, out in the open, that whatever happens next is going to be a lot more positive and open.

I have also seen little things - not outright gestures, you know, but little things he's said and done over the past few days that make me think he's been thinking about things an awful lot. I think I said earlier somewhere, I know it's only been a week or so since our huge fallings out, but I can only hope things continue as they have been this last week because when awkward situations have come up, we've both been able to avert arguments by handling things a lot better. God I still feel nervous - but I have to give it a go. If I really thought there was no hope, I'd write it off. I'm not a heartless cow or anything like that, but I saw the effect me and the ex falling out (when we were together) had on DD1 and she was only 3, and I know I'd never let that happen again, to either my DDs or the new baby.

That sounded pretty rambling didn't it?!

Errata

It sounds like you are far from certain about this. People who are certain, are certain. Get it all out in the open - discuss, negotiate, compromise now - whilst it's not too late.

Primrose

I couldn't agree more with Errata. For such a venture as yours to be successful you both have to be totally convinced in your hearts and minds that you're doing the right thing. Without that total conviction, there just won't be the commitment. And it has to be total commitment on both your parts. How often I've sadly heard people say wistfully "I hope I'm doing the right thing" as far as getting into a relationship, only for it to subsequently fall apart. The prospect of jogging along in a half hearted, half committed manner will only condemn both of you to years of unhappiness and lack of personal fulfilment.

leyla-aurelia

I have a slightly different perspective, DH and I have been together 20 years and within that time there have been rough spells where something's gone wrong, our points of view have clashed, or one or both of us have felt uncertain about being together. BUT, by agreeing ground rules and riding out those times and letting things lie/drifting along for a bit, we're still very happily together. On the whole we've definitely been happy far more than unhappy over the last 20 years.

Living together is tough at times because of all the compromises it involves and at other times it's totally fantastic, but it's never perfect. Especially when pregancy and new baby hormones are about, together with the exhaustion of sleepless nights and angst, irritation, and intolerance they bring.

Jo you've obviously decided to make a go of it against all the odds, good on you! In my opinion, if you manage to agree some basic ground rules, you've got as much chance as anyone else in your situation. As you've previously said, if it doesn't work you'll ask him to leave--you'll never know if you don't try love!

Leyla xx

Optimisticpair

Be very careful Jo to be able to get out without loss if you go in on promises and talk. Talk without the action isn't a solid basis to work from. Love makes the world look rosier, lust makes the time passionate, emotional maturity and work from both sides makes hopes a reality. Believe me, trust without knowing that it is not misplaced is quite bad for your heart. Good luck.

CelticStar

Jo_R wrote: »

It's all new to me, I've never not worked you see but I've always felt the money from the working partner is for all given that the other partner is contributing in the sense of looking after the kids, doing agreed bits of housework and so on where possible - I suppose this goes without saying generally.

I have to say he hasn't actually come out and said that his money is his sort of thing - it's just what I've picked up. I've said that I will have money, albeit child benefit and child tax credits to contribute until I go back to work, but he does keep mentioning about 'him' paying the rent once he moves in. We're having a chat tonight about it all.

Look at it from this point of view. If you were sick and couldn't work can you see this man loving you enough to stay with you and support you and your children? If you can't then, sadly, he isn't the man for you. Perhaps you want to be with this man so much that your heart isn't listening to your head? Only you can know what how much you are willing to compromise to be with this man but life can be very tough and if the man that is with you doesn't adore you and put you first, what's the point? I know this probably isn't what you want to hear right now but I am concerned about you and although I wish you and your children all the happiness in the world, I'm not sure you're going to find it in this relationship.

ameliarate

I have also seen little things - not outright gestures, you know, but little things he's said and done over the past few days that make me think he's been thinking about things an awful lot.

It seems to me from what you have said that you are "going to give this a go" and good for you. You clearly love him and you are having a baby together and if you don't try to make it work you will be left sitting thinking "what if".

I also think that this guy probably is a bit imature and probably isn't used to having to think about others and being responsible but it sounds like he is trying and is more than willing to make the effort. OK so he's not perfect and there may be a long way to go with him but I don't recall seeing anywhere that he has ever said "no" and walked away.

It won't help that you are pregnant and a bit hormonal, some things will not be as bad as they seem.

I'm not psychic and can't predict what will happen but I honestly think you are right to try. There will be a few rows along the way and some compromises and you will probably have to compromise more than him, but I suspect from what you say that if you sit down with him and talk about things, such as money etc, whilst you are not working he will come through for you. Write the cost of things down so he knows exactly what is necessary in terms of bills etc for your home.

Keep communicating with him and don't expect him to second guess you.

Margaret54

Hi I really feel for you, after reading your post. I wish you and your children all the very best, and I hope the birth of your baby goes smoothly. I have a lot of things in my head to offer to you, but at the end of the day, you must do what you feel is best for you and your children. Best wishes, and a big hug Margaret xx

Shineyhappy

I find his reluctance to pay for the dress quite shocking. My OH and I have been together 20 months and he earns a lot more than I do. As you can see I had some debts due to buying my ex out of the flat we shared.

My OH knew I was skint and liked to treat me to nice things and I just find it strange that your OH seems to resent buying you a maternity dress. Does he ever buy you presents?

I really hope things work out for you all and he does become more into sharing and wants to become a proper family.

Jo_R_2

Shineyhappy wrote: »

I find his reluctance to pay for the dress quite shocking. My OH and I have been together 20 months and he earns a lot more than I do. As you can see I had some debts due to buying my ex out of the flat we shared.

My OH knew I was skint and liked to treat me to nice things and I just find it strange that your OH seems to resent buying you a maternity dress. Does he ever buy you presents?

I really hope things work out for you all and he does become more into sharing and wants to become a proper family.

He does buy me presents - he often buys me flowers and plants because he knows I like them and they cheer up the house, as well as other thoughtful stuff . He also treats me to nights out and indulges my pregnant eating whims lol!

We've planned to sit down tonight to talk about moving, money and so on so will be interesting to see what he thinks and what comes of it!