Relationship woes, long and fed up

Jo_R_2

I think what worries me most is the fact I'm not working as such, although those who look after kids full-time will know what I mean when I say it's like a job in itself!

To me, when I was working, my money is 'our' money, that is, not just mine but money that belongs to OH as well. The ex only worked part-time and studied but I never, ever felt I had more claim over our money because I 'earned' it, I just felt it was ours, because he did other stuff that contributed to the household - eg he would look after DD1 on his days off so she didn't go into nursery, which saved us money, etc... You get the gist but that's how I see it, a collective effort despite who actually goes out and 'earns' the money.

I think on some level he sees it as him going out to work so it's 'his' money which I think could cause some conflict when it comes to buying stuff for ourselves. I can see pretty much we would be able to sort out bills, rent, groceries and so on, but from a few things he has said over the last few days I think him 'giving' me money when I need stuff (for example, I need some maternity clothes and pretty sharpish at this rate lol!) might be a bit weird fro him - and me too because I know I'm gonna feel like he's handing me money.

We have agreed though that I will go back to work, if not now then after baby is born, as that is something we do both agree on.

Errata

If he's going to be part of a family, can't he see his salary as family money ?
I'm not sure why him paying for some maternity clothes for you should present him with any difficulties - it's his bump as well !

Jo_R_2

Errata wrote: »

If he's going to be part of a family, can't he see his salary as family money ?
I'm not sure why him paying for some maternity clothes for you should present him with any difficulties - it's his bump as well !

I had to chuckle at this... A couple of weeks ago, I asked him if he would take me shopping as I needed to get some maternity clothes. Knowing his typical male dislike of women's clothes shopping , I was pretty surprised when he said okay.

So off we went into town, looked round a few shops, picked out a lovely dress I'd tried on previously. OH very complimentary, saying I'd look gorgeous in it We go off to queue to pay. OH asks if I have enough money, I just look at him thinking he's joking... We look at each other and the look of realisation dawns on him... Turns out he thought I wanted him to 'take' me shopping as in drive me into town and walk round with me, and he realises I actually meant would he buy me something, his face was a picture :rotfl:

He paid for the dress, in fairness, but took it upon himself to tell everyone what a 'typical' woman I was, spending his hard-earned money :rolleyes: He can see the funny side now fortunately!

Think however he was quite relieved when I said on Saturday I really needed a pair of maternity jeans, commented it would be really easy to just go to Debenhams and get the ones I wanted but would cost me £35 and I could easily get a secondhand pair on ebay for a fiver!

Errata

Oh dear, he has a lot to learn about how families work. Could his mum have a word with him

candygirl

Errata wrote: »

If he's going to be part of a family, can't he see his salary as family money ?
I'm not sure why him paying for some maternity clothes for you should present him with any difficulties - it's his bump as well !

Can you have a word wiv my DD's money mad ex, as he seems to think I can afford to support her during the pregnancy and after the baby's been born:rolleyes: :rolleyes: :rolleyes:

CelticStar

OP, I think I'd be really worried about his attitude to money to be honest. When you are together I've always felt that money should be joint family income otherwise you are always in a weak position in a relationship if you are not working. Seriously, what decent man wouldn't want to spoil his pregnant girlfriend/wife or at least buy her some maternity clothes? You shouldn't even have to ask really.

People tend to value you at the value you put on yourself, you deserve better treatment in my opinion.

Jo_R_2

CelticStar wrote: »

OP, I think I'd be really worried about his attitude to money to be honest. When you are together I've always felt that money should be joint family income otherwise you are always in a weak position in a relationship if you are not working. Seriously, what decent man wouldn't want to spoil his pregnant girlfriend/wife or at least buy her some maternity clothes? You shouldn't even have to ask really.

People tend to value you at the value you put on yourself, you deserve better treatment in my opinion.

It's all new to me, I've never not worked you see but I've always felt the money from the working partner is for all given that the other partner is contributing in the sense of looking after the kids, doing agreed bits of housework and so on where possible - I suppose this goes without saying generally.

I have to say he hasn't actually come out and said that his money is his sort of thing - it's just what I've picked up. I've said that I will have money, albeit child benefit and child tax credits to contribute until I go back to work, but he does keep mentioning about 'him' paying the rent once he moves in. We're having a chat tonight about it all.

astonsmummy

I'm no relationship expert, jesus i'm the worlds worst, but come on, you need to be realistic here, you have had all these problmes before you have even moved in together and had a baby, do you really think things will change for the better?

candygirl

astonsmummy wrote: »

I'm no relationship expert, jesus i'm the worlds worst, but come on, you need to be realistic here, you have had all these problmes before you have even moved in together and had a baby, do you really think things will change for the better?

Hi hun;)
You're right AM, there seems to be a lot of probs for Jo to overcome if the relationship is gonna work.Jo in your heart of hearts, dya think it's gonna work hun?

Errata

Paying the rent ? Does he think the fairies will pay for the electric/gas/water/council tax/insurance/food/clothes/holidays/Christmas/treats ?