Relationship woes, long and fed up

Jo_R_2

Hi all

I've posted about my situation before. I'm a bit here and there at the mo and I need to do some clear thinking...

I'm about half way through my pregnancy. I live with my two DDs from a previous relationship and my OH is due to move in this weekend.

Me and OH have quite a fiery relationship. In some respects I like this, in others not. He's quite laid back, I'm not! I have ongoing issues with his attitude towards our relationship. He goes out a lot - maybe three/four times a week, and I feel this is inappropriate, especially now, both financially and also because I would like to see more of him. He thinks that this means I get put out if he makes plans without me. Not at all - I've explained hundreds of times that if I felt we were spending quality time together each week then it wouldn't bother me what he was doing with his own time.

He came back this weekend from a holiday I wasn't keen on him going on for various reasons - partly financial, partly because I felt really insecure about me and him and how he felt. We talked and arranged that he would go on holiday, and move in with us when he got back, and make a new budget towards saving for a bigger place. I was happy with this and so was he.

When he got back, the weekend was, frankly, awful. We'd spoken about spending Saturday night together on our own, what happened was he arranged to meet friends without me knowing, got surprised when I was upset, got mardy when I said I wanted to go home because I was tired, wouldn't speak to me so I went to bed on my own (not the little 'reunion' I'd been expecting!), slept in til Sunday afternoon then got p*ssed off when my parents phoned to say they were bringing the girls back (I'd arranged for them to look after them so me and OH could have some time together.) He stayed a bit then went home to 'wash his clothes', turns out he'd done that then gone off drinking with his mates who he'd been on holiday with. I was mightily annoyed, he couldn't understand why.

Last night we had the mother of all fallings out. I said I wanted to spend some time by myself, he came round anyway to pick up some stuff he needed:rolleyes: and he did his elusive 'having to run off now' thing. I'd suggested we could snuggle up (not what I'd originally said, so this was my fault), he basically said/showed in not so many words that he'd be happy to stay for you-know-what but had to go because he'd made plans. I said I couldn't because I wouldn't be happy with it happening like that. and basically things escalated from there.

I know that being honest this was instigated by me *holds hands up* but I was so angry I just let rip with everything. I said about how I'd hoped after he realised how upset I was Sunday evening that he'd try and make it up, I'd been saying for months now I needed his reassurance to know I was his priority and not going out with his mates, I'd made sure the holiday situation, although I still wasn't totally happy with him going, was pleasant for him, and I felt he'd made it pretty clear he didn't want to spend time with me as a couple when he came back.

He said what I think shows commitment is different to him, and he feels he does tell me and show me how much he cares, but that because it's different to my expectations, I come across as being constantly disappointed in him ( I can see this.) I guess at the end of the day all I wanted him to do was just say, yeah, I can see you're upset and you need my time right now because of how you feel, so here I am. And he didn't so I was cross. He stormed out in tears, I sat there in tears, and texted saying either he came back and showed me I was his priority or I'd had enough.

He ended up coming back and we actually sat and talked like reasonable human beings:D but today I feel like it's a hollow victory, like what did I achieve except making him do something he obviously didn't want to? I still feel the same, he asked me last night what I was doing, I said I might be off to see a friend, and he said well it doesn't matter anyway because I've already made plans, in the space of him storming off and coming back. I can't see what purpose this served except to p*ss me off

I'm sat here today and I feel really empty and don't know what to do. I feel like although I'm unhappy, I've made a right mess of things myself and am coming across like I'm needy and clingy when what I actually mean is it would be nice to spend more time with him. I'll prob see him Wednesday but I just feel utterly rubbish.

ameliarate

sounds so much like the conversations I have with my oh it is spooky.

My situation is much simpler, however, because we don't have young children to consider.

I recently spent about four/five weeks seriously trying to decide whether I still wanted to be with him. The conclusion I came to was that I did and that as he was never going to change then I must in order to make it work, not fair but necessary. In fact because I have changed my attitude he seems to have automatically changed his as well

We will always argue, we are both quite volatile and passionate.

You have to decide whether you can make this work and whether it is worth it. Do you love him, do you trust him and are you gaining anything from being in the relationship.

Of course things will change when he moves in and you need to work out whether they will be better or worse for you and the children. See if you can set a Friday or Saturday night aside which is "yours" and he must agree not to make arrangements for that night without discussing them with you first.

As for the finances you really should make sure they are sorted before he moves in.

I wish you well, I can imagine exactly how you are feeling and it is hard but i am sure you will ge there in the end.

galvanizersbaby

Jo_R wrote: »

I've posted about my situation before. I'm a bit here and there at the mo and I need to do some clear thinking...

I'm about half way through my pregnancy. I live with my two DDs from a previous relationship and my OH is due to move in this weekend.

I'm sat here today and I feel really empty and don't know what to do. I feel like although I'm unhappy, I've made a right mess of things myself and am coming across like I'm needy and clingy when what I actually mean is it would be nice to spend more time with him. I'll prob see him Wednesday but I just feel utterly rubbish.

Hi Jo R
Reading through your post I am wondering what you and your OH's long term plans are with the baby and your family?
I don't think you are being unreasonable wanting to be your OH's priority especially at the moment.
It sounds as though your OH might not be quite ready to settle down as such just yet (sorry if I'm telling you something you already know here)
Think you maybe need to decide exactly what you need from him and be very clear about it.
I hope you are ok x

paddy's_mum

I'm going to say something that won't please you and I shall try to do it as gently as I can.

Your OH is, in my view, telling you as clearly as he knows how that he is not your "other half". He wants to be one of the boys for most of the time. If all that you say is true (no disrespect to you meant) then he does only what he wants. He gives or takes only what suits him and you can take a running jump.

What more does he need to do to make it clear to you (because he already knows where he is going) that you are not equal partners in this relationship?

Only you can know whether this relationship is going anywhere, whether you're getting enough out of it to be worth carrying on, what you can and cannot tolerate. Only he can tell you why he doesn't seem to want the cosy family life that you envisage.

Given that you sound as though you have to be the subservient one, I'd be asking myself "is this all there is to life"? It's hard and hurtful to have your hopes and dreams knocked down like this and I feel for you. Good luck and hope you have a happier day today.

geri1965_2

He doesn't sound very committed to you - he should be putting you first, especially with a baby on the way! How old is he? He is acting like a boy, not a man.

Dinah93

This relationship isn't making you happy, you say you've been here before, and from the sounds of it you will be again if you stay. You are in a very vunerable place in your life right now, and that he can't see that is mind boggling. He doesn't sound ready to settle down and take responsibility for his family, and long term he will only continue to leave you dissatisfied with your lot, and your relatinoship will be a negitive model for your children. I know walking away is insanely hard, but it will be much harder a few years down the line after he's moved in and your kids are used to him being around. I have always considered myself a volitile person too, my ex and i used to fight like cat and dog and played similar games with one another you seem to be doing with your OH. It didn't make me happy, in fact i was downright depressed despite the little things he did that made me smile and kept me there. I never argue with my now OH, he will happily discuss anything that is bothering me or him, and I am a lot happier for it, and I now don't consider myself a volitile person, but a person who was fighting to fit a square peg in a round hole.

Best wishes to you, D x

ameliarate

paddy's_mum wrote: »

I'm going to say something that won't please you and I shall try to do it as gently as I can.

Your OH is, in my view, telling you as clearly as he knows how that he is not your "other half". He wants to be one of the boys for most of the time. If all that you say is true (no disrespect to you meant) then he does only what he wants. He gives or takes only what suits him and you can take a running jump.

What more does he need to do to make it clear to you (because he already knows where he is going) that you are not equal partners in this relationship?

Only you can know whether this relationship is going anywhere, whether you're getting enough out of it to be worth carrying on, what you can and cannot tolerate. Only he can tell you why he doesn't seem to want the cosy family life that you envisage.

Given that you sound as though you have to be the subservient one, I'd be asking myself "is this all there is to life"? It's hard and hurtful to have your hopes and dreams knocked down like this and I feel for you. Good luck and hope you have a happier day today.

I honestly believe that there are some men who need to be in a relationship but equally need their "single" life and my OH is such a man. As I said my situation is different because we don't have kids but I worked out that I am getting enough from the relationship to make it work for me. I don't think this type of man will ever change. That's not to say, however, that they are not completely committed to the relationship in their own strange way. There is compromise in every relationship, slightly more in this type and OP must think carefully, primarily because of the children, whether she can make it work for her.
Bet he is a Scorpio.

Jo_R_2

paddy's_mum wrote: »

I'm going to say something that won't please you and I shall try to do it as gently as I can.

Your OH is, in my view, telling you as clearly as he knows how that he is not your "other half". He wants to be one of the boys for most of the time. If all that you say is true (no disrespect to you meant) then he does only what he wants. He gives or takes only what suits him and you can take a running jump.

What more does he need to do to make it clear to you (because he already knows where he is going) that you are not equal partners in this relationship?

Only you can know whether this relationship is going anywhere, whether you're getting enough out of it to be worth carrying on, what you can and cannot tolerate. Only he can tell you why he doesn't seem to want the cosy family life that you envisage.

Given that you sound as though you have to be the subservient one, I'd be asking myself "is this all there is to life"? It's hard and hurtful to have your hopes and dreams knocked down like this and I feel for you. Good luck and hope you have a happier day today.

I'm not offended by your post at all! In fact it's good to be told things like this.

He said last night something about how I seem to want to tell him to jump and he should say 'how high?' and he's not going to do that. God that's so not me. I do realise that because of how frustrated I feel I do do things like last night to try and vainly get some kind of control over the situation but usually those sorts of things are the ones where I act out of sheer anger rather than thinking it through. I have also said that it only seems that the very few times I have made some hugely melodramatic scene (usually through being uber upset and saying I've had enough, I can't live like this anymore) that he actually takes me seriously and seems to understand the magnitude of how upset I get by how he acts and gives me something. A few months ago I did that by saying I felt absolutely pathetic like I was having to beg for his time and he'd made it blatantly obvious he didn't want to spend his time with me and that was it. The next morning he phoned me up in tears saying he was so sorry and he couldn't imagine being without me because he loved me so much.

The hard thing is that for as much time as we fall out, we get on great. Silly isn't it? He buys me little presents, our friends tell me when he's not there how when he goes out without me all he does all night is talk about me anyway, I totally trust him, and he's gone out of his way so many times to help me out when I've been feeling down. He even said a couple of weeks ago when he spend most of the evenings in the week with me that he thought he'd feel claustrophobic but that he loved spending that time with me

Alikay

I think your life together will always be like this. You wanting more commitment and time together, him wanting freedom, and nobody really happy with what they're going to get. If you really want someone who wants the family life you want, it won't be him - although he MAY go along with it to keep you happy.

Couldn't take the ongoing battle of wills and constant feeling of making compromises myself, so I'm lucky to have a DH who has similar views of family/married life to me. But we do have friends who've been together over 20 years with values as contrasting as yours, and they're OK...in fact the older they've got, the less single mates he has for lads trips to Amsterdam etc, so he's around more because the mates've grown up rather than him!! Such a shame your OH didn't reveal his views before creating a baby, but good luck anyway...

Jo_R_2

ameliarate wrote: »

I honestly believe that there are some men who need to be in a relationship but equally need their "single" life and my OH is such a man. As I said my situation is different because we don't have kids but I worked out that I am getting enough from the relationship to make it work for me. I don't think this type of man will ever change. That's not to say, however, that they are not completely committed to the relationship in their own strange way. There is compromise in every relationship, slightly more in this type and OP must think carefully, primarily because of the children, whether she can make it work for her.
Bet he is a Scorpio.

:rotfl:ameliarate, he's a Gemini through and through!

skintchick

Why are you having a baby with a 'man' who so clearly does not value you or your opinions? If my husband behaved like that I'd be having VERY strong words. Mind you, if he behaved like that I'd never have married him.