Grandmother moving in with me

duchy

I think you'll find that carers allowance is only paid if you don't work in reality -there's a very low threshold of earnings.
There have been some great suggestions on here. Now here's mine taken from a mixture of caring for my Mum in her own /my home and a spell of temping at the eldlerly persons units in social services.
Definitely contact help the aged -I'd also suggest that you talk to social services elderly unit in your grandmother's home area and ask them if they can put you in contact with anyone in your area. If they have had any contact at all with her then they will be able to transfer her notes which may be quicker than getting your own social services to open a new case . The reason for this is to get a home assessment -things like bath support bars can be provided for and they might have some practical suggestions like referring her to a local day centre to meet people.
It is daunting I know -but inform yourself and it becomes a lot easier just knowing who to go to for what. I think she's very lucky to have you-it isn't easy at times but the rewards far outweigh the difficulties for both of you.

Errata

Hope this helps. You might find gran is a bit more confident in getting around and doing things once she's in your house and not all on her own in her own house - hope that makes sense. So, it might be worthwhile seeing how gran can manage, and what she can manage, over the first couple of weeks of her settling in before you and she discuss and decide what 'aids' would be really useful for her, and which ones she wouldn't entertain at any price - and I guess a 'standing up' stairlift might be one of them.
You may be able to get a grant to turn your bathroom into a wet room, but there again gran might not like showering. Many older people have been used to bathing once or twice a week so you could perhaps investigate if there is a day centre in your area where older people can go for a weekly bath and a hairwash and dry if needed. Then you could help gran to 'top and tail' wash every day and that won't take much doing.
Do you have a downstairs loo? Gran might feel a bit apprehensive about getting upstairs to use a loo when she's on her own during the day. Why not suggest a commode as a purely temporary measure until all her access challenges are sorted out?
If gran's happy to be left on her own during the day you might want to investigate an emergency alarm system, most of them come with a neck pendant. She may never need it, but it might make her feel more confident.
Good luck and best wishes, what a lovely family you are.

Savvy_Sue

Errata wrote: »

You may be able to get a grant to turn your bathroom into a wet room, but there again gran might not like showering. Many older people have been used to bathing once or twice a week so you could perhaps investigate if there is a day centre in your area where older people can go for a weekly bath and a hairwash and dry if needed. Then you could help gran to 'top and tail' wash every day and that won't take much doing.

I did think that if your bathroom isn't 'accessible', then asking SS what help is available with bathing might be the best way to go.

And forgive me if I'm overstepping the mark here, but I wondered from your earlier comments about washing whether gran is completely continent. I don't know how you'd check that out, apart from tactfully obviously, but it is something I would want to know about. Someone who is prepared to admit that they are sometimes 'caught short' is far easier to help than someone who denies that the wet cushion is anything to do with them!

Merrywidow

Oh Savvy-Sue - you are really brave but it has to be said. That was and is the biggest problem with my mother. Sitting alone for hours with a wet pad is inhuman not to mention the smell. I was debating whether it was a little bit TOO much info for superpup and this early stage but it is a very important one. On the other hand, I don't want to worry her too much as incontinence might not be a problem with her Gran. Oh dear - where to start and end with advice.

superpup

Hello everyone.

Thank you so much for all your input. It's really helping me.

My Nan was having a 'very good day' when I got there on Saturday. She looked nice, she'd done her hair and had lipstick on half of her lips, bless her :A

I took her shopping, she collected her pension, paid for her papers, etc. We went for lunch in the supermarket cafe which she loves! We had a chat and she said she doesn't feel quite ready to move in with me yet. I said that was okay and we have different options we can look at anyway. She explained that whilst mornings are the hardest (it can take a couple of hours for her to get up and ready), she can take her time and it doesn't matter.

She then started to say how she knew how I'd worked hard to earn money to get my house looking nice and she didn't want to come and have to put loads of equipment in there to ruin it. I told her that the only semi permanent thing would be the stairlift and that it can be taken straight out and wouldn't leave any marks. She looked quite relieved about this.

She kept saying about how she was going to stay at home for now but then kept talking about what she was going to keep and that she would like to bring her bed. Quite mixed messages really which I suppose means that she's considering it but not quite ready to let go.

In the end, I suggested that she come and stay for a few days over Christmas so she could see the house (never been as she dislikes travelling) and see if she liked the area (rural, by the sea). I'm going to pick her up on Sunday 21st Dec and she can stay as long as she likes. I think this will work well as I have to work Mon, Tues, Wed so she will have some time on her own in the house so won't feel overwhelmed with company (after being on her own so much). DD1 will be around if needed on the Monday and DD2 can pop in whenever I need her to. Nan's still able to manage stairs now with care and mine are safer than hers but she does use a commode during the night so I will bring that with her. If she has deteriorated in a few months, then obviously I'll have to review things.

I have given her some things to think about. How she'd still have her own space in the day, my dog to keep her company (she adores dogs but can't have one of her own now), lunch out regularly (another favourite), trips to the theatre now and again, help with shopping. I plan to put some raised beds in and she loves gardening so she could potter about a little bit if she wanted to and feel like she's being useful (which she would be, I'm rubbish at weeding ).

It's also very safe where I live. There are people getting broken into all around her and she doesn't feel very secure. Obviously I didn't say 'You're going to get broken into if you stay here' but I did explain burglaries are 0 where I live.

I also told her that if she wanted to stay at home longer, we'd look at getting carers in to help if that's what she wants.

I've made her promise to see her doctor (hasn't been for a year) and see if there is any medication she could take which may help her a little.

I'm going to order her a walking frame in a minute as she thinks that will really help her, especially in the mornings.

Re the last couple of posts, I think my Nan is continent but I suppose until she lives with me, I won't know for sure. Last time I visited, she openly admitted she 'wees a bit' when she coughs and sneezes, but she said it's to be expected at her age and someone she knows says she does it as well. She has bought some pants with pads in them and to be fair, she isn't too 'whiffy' but I can smell it a bit. She doesn't wash her clothes as frequently as I would if she was with me so maybe that has something to do with it.

Re the wet room comment, I don't think it would be doable and she prefers baths to showers at home and my bathroom is tiny and has recently had a new bath put in. I'll ask around though and if it can be done and it's the right thing to do, we'll find a way! She's always loved swimming so I may see if I can take her once a week to our local pool as it has a hoist and she could shower before she went in. I think she'd love to go swimming again if she didn't feel embarrassed about using the hoist. I know it'd be a lot of effort but it would be worth it if she enjoyed herself and had something to look forward to.

I know it's not going to be easy. I know I'm going to want to throttle her at times. I wanted to on Saturday when I spoke to the local shop who said they would deliver milk and bread with her paper but she won't have them deliver milk as it's 30p cheaper each week to go and get it herself from the shop further down :mad:

While she's as she is, being on her own during the day will be fine. Right now, apart from a stairlift to get her upstairs more easily (which she is happy to have and knows it will make her life easier) the main thing I want to provide is company.

When she starts to struggle a little, I will pay for carers to come in whenever necessary until the point when she will be safer in a home. I just cannot contemplate that right now and I'm welling up thinking about it. She's far from that point and I'm hoping it's still a long way off.

Thank you so much for all your help and advice. I will keep posting periodically and asking questions as they crop up if you don't mind?

I'm off to make jam now as DD1 and I had a mammoth blackberry picking session last night

sp x

Errata

What a lovely post, and what a lovely pair you are !
Your gran sounds as fit as a butcher's dog, so it may well be that she'll never need residential care - it's only a very small percentage of older people that do.
The walk to the shop may be doing her good - bit of easy exercise and the opportunity to have a quick natter in the shop, so it might not have just been about saving 30p. If she has a freezer, does she know she can freeze pint bottles of semi-skimmed milk? Might come in handy if the milk gets a bit low and the weather's bad.
Practical things: sometimes local Age Concern's know of second hand stairlifts that people want to get rid of, or some of the chairlift companies do reconditioned ones which are cheaper than brand new. Walking frames with wheels: they have brakes on the hand grips that work the same way as bicycle brakes, so if your gran used to ride a bike she should find one of those a piece of cake. They also come with tray thingies, so she could move small things around with her - specs, sandwich, book etc.
Hope this helps. Please keep on posting when you have a question, we love sharing our knowledge.

superpup

Errata wrote: »

What a lovely post, and what a lovely pair you are !
Your gran sounds as fit as a butcher's dog, so it may well be that she'll never need residential care - it's only a very small percentage of older people that do.
The walk to the shop may be doing her good - bit of easy exercise and the opportunity to have a quick natter in the shop, so it might not have just been about saving 30p. If she has a freezer, does she know she can freeze pint bottles of semi-skimmed milk? Might come in handy if the milk gets a bit low and the weather's bad.
Practical things: sometimes local Age Concern's know of second hand stairlifts that people want to get rid of, or some of the chairlift companies do reconditioned ones which are cheaper than brand new. Walking frames with wheels: they have brakes on the hand grips that work the same way as bicycle brakes, so if your gran used to ride a bike she should find one of those a piece of cake. They also come with tray thingies, so she could move small things around with her - specs, sandwich, book etc.
Hope this helps. Please keep on posting when you have a question, we love sharing our knowledge.

Thank you I do hope she never needs to go into a home.

Yes, the 30p isn't worth fighting about really when she's well. It's when she's run out of milk it does my head in! :rotfl:

The milk she buys is 'stera' which keeps for ages out of the fridge so I've got her a load to last her for a while.

It's some time since she road a bike which has made me a bit unsure about the frames with brakes on. We think she had a small stroke about 6 years ago and one of her hands isn't brilliant but I think I will borrow one for her to try at some point to see how she gets on with it as I think the ones with a tray would be great for her.

I have looked at some websites that offer reconditioned stairlifts and who also buy back which will be something less to think about when I do have to get it removed. Whatever the reasons behind it, I won't be in a fit state to do battle with a stairlift company or worry about advertising it or
ripping it out.

I've been thinking of useful jobs for her to do to keep her busy (she likes being busy). So far I have come up with:

1. Brushing the dog (dog would benefit from having it done regularly, Nan would love doing it, dog wouldn't be so keen but would let her with only a small sulk )
2. Sewing - she likes mending things. I like never wearing/using them again because I hate sewing and I'm rubbish at it.
3. Watering plants - only remember when they're dying of thirst.
4. Dusting - I'm not very good at this either
5. Preparing veg - I'm fussy about this but am prepared to eat round carrots instead of sticks in the interests of keeping her occupied
6. Keeping the lounge rug free of dog hair - she loves her little carpet sweeper and thinks it's brilliant :rolleyes: . I don't think she'd manage my hoover but the sweeper will pick most of the hairs up.

Can anyone think of anything else? I think this is the key to keeping her happy and to help make it feel like it's her home as well. Planning ahead I know but it's things I can drop into conversation gradually. I suppose really, I should just let her do whatever she feels like doing but mention if there's anything in particular I would like done, if she wants to have a go at it.

sp x

Errata

I think all those are excellent ideas because they're going to give her some exercise and keep her mobile. If she likes sewing, does she like knitting ? Oxfam have a free pattern for babies and childrens hand knitted T shirts that they send to countries that have had a disaster. The baby ones wouldn't be too much of a big job for her. What about crosswords, jigsaw puzzles, stuff to keep her brain exercised ?
Your local Age Concern might have a variety of frames they loan out for people to try. Also try your local authority for a loan one, they may even have a 'demonstration centre' for aids and adaptations.

superpup

Errata wrote: »

I think all those are excellent ideas because they're going to give her some exercise and keep her mobile. If she likes sewing, does she like knitting ? Oxfam have a free pattern for babies and childrens hand knitted T shirts that they send to countries that have had a disaster. The baby ones wouldn't be too much of a big job for her. What about crosswords, jigsaw puzzles, stuff to keep her brain exercised ?
Your local Age Concern might have a variety of frames they loan out for people to try. Also try your local authority for a loan one, they may even have a 'demonstration centre' for aids and adaptations.

Hmmm... not sure about knitting. She used to do that, and crocheting but haven't seen her doing it for a long time.

She usually has a jigsaw puzzle on the go but there hasn't been one on the table the last couple of times I've visited. I'll ask her when I ring why she isn't doing one. She may have run out

The problem with trying out a frame is I'm so far away and I think she'd benefit from one sooner rather than later. I think a narrowish frame with a couple of wheels on the front would be a safe bet and if it's no good, I'll have to send it back or sell it on. That's another reason why I'd like her to be with me. It's so hard to see to her needs when I can only see her at the weekends. I'm trying to save what's left of my holiday in case I need to move her before the end of the year.

sp x

Savvy_Sue

I think when you talk about 'going into a home', and your reluctance to consider it, you may not be aware of all the options there are these days.

What might give your gran a bit of company plus the reassurance of knowing help was available if needed is Sheltered Housing: independent flats with a warden either on site or on call. Often there's a shared lounge or activities arranged.

Then there's Very Sheltered Housing. Again, independent flats, but more help available for those who need it.

Residential care comes some way after that: no kitchen, meals provided etc.

Sometimes you get all three on the same site, which means that residents can move from one 'tier' to the next if the need arises.

Looking into what's available either near where Gran is now or near you could be worthwhile. One obvious advantage of near where she is now is that she'll still know people around, and her way around the area.

See, we're good at raising more questions as well as suggesting answers ...