Grandmother moving in with me

superpup

Hi

I'd be really grateful for any advice anyone could offer me please.

My Grandmother (nearly 90) lives about 3 hours away from me. My Granddad died a couple of years ago and she has lived on her own ever since. My father (only child) lives abroad. She has 2 elderly sisters living near but one, I think, has moderate dementia and shouldn't be living alone but that's another story! The other sister is older than her and rarely goes out and I think she has mild dementia.

My Grandmother is very lonely and rarely sees anyone for days on end. She doesn't really like to mix with people she doesn't know and has tried to go to a local group with others her own age but didn't enjoy it. She has osteoporosis and is finding it very hard to get around so hardly ever goes out now, getting a bit of shopping occasionally. I think she has managed up until now as she has always been very active, constantly gardening, cleaning, etc. I try to visit every other weekend.

As my Grandmother isn't coping, I have asked her to come and live with me and she has agreed. This has made it clear that she does need help as she is fiercely independent.

Sorry, I've waffled a bit but it's helping me as I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed at the moment.

I'm trying to work out what I need to get to make her life as comfortable as possible. I would like advice if possible please, on;

1. Stairlift - There are sit down ones and 'stand and perch'. I think the latter would be better for her as she struggles to get up from sitting. I am worried though that she wouldn't feel safe/secure whilst going up/down the stairs. Has anyone any experience of this type of stairlift? Do they feel safe or are they a bit 'fairgroundy'

2. Zimmer frame/walker - I work all day. She likes her main meal at lunchtime. I am thinking that I will make lots of meals up for her and freeze them. She likes roasts, cottage pie, traditional types of dinners. I can get one out in the morning then she can warm it up at lunchtime in the microwave. I've seen walking frames with wheels and brakes and trays. Are the brakes easy to use? She's terrified in the front seat of a car so I don't want her flying around with a walker, running over my pets . Seriously, I just want her to feel safe and be able to do things for herself when I'm not around.

3. Personal hygiene - I have a very small bathroom. Whilst I think I could fit a frame around the toilet so she can get herself up again, I can't see I would be able to fit any gadgets to get her in the bath. I'm thinking I could help her with a kind of bed bath sort of thing before bed (I wouldn't have time in the morning before work). Do you think this will be enough? At this stage I just plan to give her a bowl of water and a flannel as she's perfectly capable of doing this herself right now but I don't think she does this at home and I don't want to give the impression that I'm saying 'Nan, you're a bit smelly' but do want to encourage her to wash more regularly. :rolleyes:

4. Wheelchair - I want to get her out more but she can't walk far. Do I need to buy one? Or would she be able to borrow one once she's registered at my doctor's surgery? If she is able to borrow one, are they comfortable for more than short periods of time or would I be better off buying one anyway?

5. Familiarity - I realise this is a massive life change for her. Leaving her home of around 40 years, memories of my Granddad, etc. She loves her local evening paper so I thought I would try and get it ordered for her so she can still get it (although probably a day late). Any other ideas what I can do along these lines? I haven't room for loads of her stuff but I'm bringing her bed, bedside cabinet and I thought some plants and ornaments (I'll discuss things like this tomorrow when I go up to see her). She's not big on photos but I have lots and thought I would make up a montage for her room.

I'm sorry for the mammoth post. I probably have more questions but they're still whizzing around my head, waiting to come out coherently.

If you're still awake and have any experience and any advice re any of the above, then thank you!

sp x

MrsE_2

No advice, but I think you're amazing.

superpup

MrsE wrote: »

No advice, but I think you're amazing.

Thank you but not really. My Grandparents have done an awful lot for me over the years. Financially and emotionally. I used to stay with them every weekend until I was around 11 years old and had a wonderful time. Chocolates, comics, long walks, making rose petal perfume in the garden, watering Granddad's tomatoes, hide and seek with my Nan in the wardrobes... So many lovely memories. I don't feel like I owe her anything although I do if you know what I mean? I want to do this. I couldn't see her in a home. She would hate it.

sp x

elsien

MrsE wrote: »

No advice, but I think you're amazing.

Me too, and a far better person than I am!

I would suggest that before you go out buying things you get an occupational health referral via the GP and get some professional advice on what would suit your grandmother the best - there is a bit of a wait though, and I'm not sure how it would work while you're still living so far apart.
Re the wheelchair - it varies between areas, but in Worcestershire the last time I checked there was an 18 month waiting list for a wheelchair if you only needed to use it out of the house - they prioritise people who need a wheelchair to get about indoors. Depending on how much you need to use it, you can rent from the red cross for occasional use, but if you think you need one regularly, look at the ads in the local paper, or some mobility shops sell refurbished second hand ones. Mobility shops ( is there a KeepAble near you?) can also offer advice on which mobility aids suit you best.

My grandma has a bad hip and difficulty walking, but doesn't use a full zimmer frame, she has a one handed thing on wheels which helps her balance and gives her a free hand for carrying things. The other thing my grandma finds invaluable is one of those grab stick things (Boots, £10 ish) so she can pick things up she's dropped without having to bend.

If your grandmother needs help with personal care, and you can convince her it would benefit her, she should be eligible for some help with someone coming in ( although she'll probably have to pay for this.) I would suggest this is another one to run past the GP as a starting point. Also check she's getting all the benefits she's entitled to - it took years to convince my Grandma she's eligible for attendance allowance. It doesn't mean she has to have someone come in, if you are helping her, but if she needs help with cooking and personal care, she will be entitled. She's paid enough taxes ov er the years, and it might also help her get a blue mobility badge, if you have a car.

If I think of anything else I'll post again. Good luck.

hflower74

superpup wrote: »

Thank you but not really. My Grandparents have done an awful lot for me over the years. Financially and emotionally. I used to stay with them every weekend until I was around 11 years old and had a wonderful time. Chocolates, comics, long walks, making rose petal perfume in the garden, watering Granddad's tomatoes, hide and seek with my Nan in the wardrobes... So many lovely memories. I don't feel like I owe her anything although I do if you know what I mean? I want to do this. I couldn't see her in a home. She would hate it.

sp x

You've made me well up
I think you're amazing too!

McKneff

i hope in the fullness of time one of my grandchildren thinks of me like this.
i too think your amazingly thoughtful. yes im sure that most grandchildren love their grannies and grandads but just being as thoughtful as you will bring rewards beyond words. its obvious you love your grandmother very much and know how to show it. Talk to social services, there is so much help for you and her, emotionally as well as practically and financially. my very best wishes to you both, ni' night

elsien

Whether your grandmother moves in with you or decides to stay put, she should be entitled to help to stay at home, rather than move into a home, if that's what she wants. She may not be aware of the help that's out there, and unfortunately in our system if you don't ask, you don't get ( and sometimes if you do ask, you still have to fight to get.) She may choose not to, but at the end of the day its best to know your rights even if you don't take them up.
These people are a good source of information and support. http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Dl1/Directories/DG_10011166 I would advise that you think about asking for a community care assessment for your grandma and a carers assessment for yourself. You may need it if your grandmothers health deteriorates further down the line, and it helps if you know what's out there and what you can expect.
http://www.keepable.co.uk/browse/walking-sticks-and-accessories-1/tripods-and-quad-walking-sticks-6/
These are the walkers my grandma has. You can go to most mobility/independence aid shops to have a play and try things out with no obligation to buy.

The other thing that might help your grandmother settle in better is if you can find things that she can do to help you and to make her feel useful. Someone who's been fiercely independent for years, even if it's a move they want to make, will struggle if they feel "looked after" and don't feel they are offering anything in return.
Might it also be possible for her room to be redecorated to her taste, and for her to bring /choose her own curtains etc?

And don't forget Help the Aged as a mine of useful information. http://www.helptheaged.org.uk/en-gb/AdviceSupport/

Another thought that occurs to me is does your council run any sort of lifeline system - one of those things you wear round your neck so if you fall you can still call for help. Again, your grandmother might not need it yet, but it gives peace of mind. (And the people are very nice, when you keep pressing it by mistake!)

superpup

Thank you everyone. You've made me cry

Practical stuff or I'll continue blubbing!

Re contacting someone before she moves in, I don't really have time to do this unfortunately. Nan is quite emotional when I call if she's having a bad day. I want to get her down here as soon as possible and I can't have her here without a stairlift.

The wheelchair can wait a little while but I mean a couple of weeks after she's moved in, not any longer. Thank you for the tip about the Red Cross. I rang social services (SS) yesterday for a bit of advice and they suggested them. I may see if I can loan a wheelchair from them and see how we get on with it and then decide what to buy. Most important is comfort but also ease of folding and getting into the car.

I think we're okay for now re getting help in to wash her. I'm thinking the move itself will be a big enough upheaval for her. I'm hoping to introduce things gradually so that she can come to terms with her loss of independence bit by bit. Definitely something to look at a little further down the line though, so thank you.

I have a mobility place a couple of doors up from where I work so I popped in there yesterday and 'tried out' a wheelchair and one of those armchairs that tip you up to a standing position. One of those will be seated by the window in my lounge as she says her neighbour is really nosy (read, keeps an eye out for her ) but she knows what time he goes out every day and what time he gets back so I think she may like to keep tabs on my neighbours when she's here

She does get quite a lot of money every week, more than she needs, I think she is getting everything she's entitled to. SS mentioned I could get carer's allowance but I think they will take her disability living allowance away to cover it so I don't think it matters much whether I claim it or not. We won't struggle moneywise and she will have money from the sale of her house. She will insist on paying me back for the stairlift, etc. The rest can go into a few savings accounts for her (in case she wants to be frivolous in her old age )

Thank you again everyone

sp x

superpup

elsien wrote: »

Whether your grandmother moves in with you or decides to stay put, she should be entitled to help to stay at home, rather than move into a home, if that's what she wants. She may not be aware of the help that's out there, and unfortunately in our system if you don't ask, you don't get ( and sometimes if you do ask, you still have to fight to get.) She may choose not to, but at the end of the day its best to know your rights even if you don't take them up.
These people are a good source of information and support. http://www.direct.gov.uk/en/Dl1/Directories/DG_10011166 I would advise that you think about asking for a community care assessment for your grandma and a carers assessment for yourself. You may need it if your grandmothers health deteriorates further down the line, and it helps if you know what's out there and what you can expect.
http://www.keepable.co.uk/browse/walking-sticks-and-accessories-1/tripods-and-quad-walking-sticks-6/
These are the walkers my grandma has.

Thank you. I have thought long and hard about moving her in with me (what's best for her, not me not wanting her). We know the help is available to stay in her home as they had a lot of help when she nursed my Granddad towards the end.

The big problem is being so far away from me and my DD's. Even if she has carers popping in, she's still going to be trapped in her own home and pretty lonely. It's difficult as she doesn't like groups or mixing too much but she does like to pop to the supermarket or go and have lunch out. I think she would love to go to the theatre or church every now and again (she's not very religeous but she likes to belt out a hymn or two with Songs of Praise

She hasn't said that she would rather stay at home but it's a very valid point you have made and I will talk to her tomorrow and give her the option of staying there with carers or living with me.

sp x

Edit - PS, thanks for the link

elsien

superpup wrote: »

I have a mobility place a couple of doors up from where I work so I popped in there yesterday and 'tried out' a wheelchair and one of those armchairs that tip you up to a standing position. One of those will be seated by the window in my lounge as she says her neighbour is really nosy (read, keeps an eye out for her ) but she knows what time he goes out every day and what time he gets back so I think she may like to keep tabs on my neighbours when she's here

sp x

Sign her up for neighbourhood watch - she'll be in her element!

You also reminded me of my grandmas favourite poem. http://labyrinth_3.tripod.com/page59.html
She quotes it at me everytime I tell her she's spending my inheritance.:D

superpup

Me again, I am a serial poster!

Actually, I may have read your post wrong elsien. Did you mean help staying in her own home, or my home, as opposed to a nursing home? Either way, it did make me think and maybe I should offer her the choice.

I missed the curtains bit. I know she would just tell me to decorate it however as she just has anaglypta (spelling?) 'walpamarred' as she calls it (painted white! ) right through the house. Her curtains are all a bit old and tatty but I will tell her I have some up already but if she prefers to bring some of her own, that's absolutely fine. I will bring her bedding as she's a sheet and blankets kinda gal and we're quilt people.

She has an old 'dusty bin' (3-2-1, remember?) she uses for a bin in her front room so I will suggest she brings that. It would feel odd to me having Nan around without it! I think if she still does want to come and live with me (us - me and DD1), it will be interesting for me to see what she really wants to keep as she has been slowly getting rid of stuff for the last few years. She said she's seen too many relatives having to get rid of loads of junk after people have died and she doesn't want to leave me with the hassle, bless her :A