Marriage over don't know where to start

bank_of_slate

As awful as it is, it is a huge development!
I just hope he can now finally be completely open and honest with you all the time!
It's the absolute least he owes you and your children.
wishing you the strength to cope
...Linda xx

kimlisa66

Oh Kizzy

This sounds all so familiar, you are treading the same path I trod, the same words, the same feelings, the tears.

Just want to warn you though, you say you know him, I thought that too, none of us really know the person we devote our lives to. I don't want to sound cynical, but ive been there and done this. I thought I knew my husband too, but I didn't, not at all, the person that now sees my kids is a stranger to me. He is not the man I fell in love with and married 22 years ago.

When there is third party involved, there is always so much you dont know, and probably never will, why do you think he is being so secretive ? He has managed to conduct this affair using his guile, lies by being deceptive and duplicitious. He will probably do the same to her too.

I am so very sad for you and the kids, but it will get better, I promise.

Kim x

kizzykizzywizzy

The one thing I know 100% is that he adores his children.
He still obviously cares about me & will look after me I know he will, later on I might not need him as much, but I do now, as I'm really struggling.
My computer seized up earlier & I nearly died, if I didn't have you lot on here all day & night I don't know what I'd do.
You are so fantastic, I think honestly I couldn't have got this far without you

bank_of_slate

We ain't going to cheat on you hunny!
and we don't leave the toilet seat up
...Linda xx

Keeping_Motivated

Kizzy I just posted a long post and lost it!!! Basically it said your post made me cry, no wonder you were both crying.

I suppose he can't help his feelings and we can't make people love us but it would have been better all round if he hadn't been a coward and waited until someone else came along to give him the 'strength' to admit it!! But its done and can't be changed now. You have done the right thing being honest with him that you love him and could take him back as I think if you hadn't you might have had regrets in the long term that you didn't 'try' to salvage your marriage.

I felt for you when you said 'I've lost my best friend' its so sad when we have to 'lose' people. You are going through a bereavement but the person is still living.

PM me anytime if you want to talk I'm always around.

Km x

mumoftwins

kimlisa66 wrote: »

Oh Kizzy

This sounds all so familiar, you are treading the same path I trod, the same words, the same feelings, the tears.

Just want to warn you though, you say you know him, I thought that too, none of us really know the person we devote our lives to. I don't want to sound cynical, but ive been there and done this. I thought I knew my husband too, but I didn't, not at all, the person that now sees my kids is a stranger to me. He is not the man I fell in love with and married 22 years ago.

When there is third party involved, there is always so much you dont know, and probably never will, why do you think he is being so secretive ? He has managed to conduct this affair using his guile, lies by being deceptive and duplicitious. He will probably do the same to her too.

I am so very sad for you and the kids, but it will get better, I promise.

Kim x

This is good advice from Kim, Kizzy, please read her words carefully.

Words come easily and sometimes do not have the meaning they imply plus you want OH to still care for you - but please, be careful and don't be too trusting. He has kept so much from you and knows how much he has hurt you therefore it is easy for him to say these things and for you to want to believe them.

I'm sorry Kizzy, I just don't want you to be hurt anymore xx

bank_of_slate

Just PM'd you MOT regarding the following thread on Raising kids
http://www.raisingkids.co.uk/talk/forum_posts.asp?TID=42040&PN=1

others may also be interested to read this
...Linda xx

gerturdeanna

I think we all have to be hard now for each other and ourselves. It is like a bereavment - and to be honest (and don't forget I'm going through the same too!!) we have lost our best freinds - and its only themselves they have to blame.
Sending hugs again

MrsTinks

kizzykizzywizzy wrote: »

Huge Huge developement, I finally got him to say he loved this other woman, & I said would there be any chance we could be together, he said no, not after what I've done you'd never forgive it or forget it. I said I would & I honestly believe I could. I did the " I love you" he said I know you do, which is why I feel so bad for what I've put you through. He said he should've talked to me years ago as he hasn't been happy & it's his fault because he didn't talk.
He said he doesn't even know whether he will end up with this woman, won't give details still.

Maybe in years to come you will get back together but let it be on your terms not his

He may "love" her now - but I bet it's only because he's already confused and having issues. I think it's good he recognises that this "error of judgement" is entirely his own doing and has stopped being a hmmmmm twerp.
I have had amicable splits from Ex's and not so amicable and if you can stay friends and forgive but not forget then YOUR life will be a lot easier... I'm not very worried about his right now other than in the perspective of how it affects your life and your kids.
If you can work as a team and stay friends then that's great! My parents did when they divorced and are still friends now although both have remarried. (In my dads case it's now wife number 5 but that's a totally different story...) My mum even babysits my fathers son and can't say enough good things about him (my dad had a latecomer lol) and I think if they lived closer mum and my SM would be very good friends... probably not something my dad would be TOO keen on
So when the poo hits the fan they are still there for each other as very good friends and it IS possible to do it. And theirs was a similar scenario to yours without going into details.
So aim for friendship and consider everything else a bonus IF in years to come things change
Do be aware that you might never regain that trust in him - even IF you do get back together then you might always be looking over your shoulder wondering if he might do it again... it's NOT a nice feeling and you either have to accept that it might happen and stop worrying every day - or you end up driving him away because you grow paranoid...

You have my details if you want to chat but I truly do wish you all the best

kimlisa66

mumoftwins wrote: »

This is good advice from Kim, Kizzy, please read her words carefully.

Words come easily and sometimes do not have the meaning they imply plus you want OH to still care for you - but please, be careful and don't be too trusting. He has kept so much from you and knows how much he has hurt you therefore it is easy for him to say these things and for you to want to believe them.

I'm sorry Kizzy, I just don't want you to be hurt anymore xx

MOT, this is so true, it would be unbearable for Kizzy to be let down again, I know what you are saying. We cling on to hope in the form of kind words when there has been so much anger. Its so easy to say what the other person wants to hear.

I did this too, when my Ex started to act more reasonably then started to say he wanted me back, how much he missed me..... what he missed was the lifestyle, the car, the house, the holidays.... In my weaker moments I believed him, but since then more stuff has come to light and I know it was just more deceit and a hidden agenda.

This is so hearbreaking, I just want to give Kizzy a big hug and let her cry it out.

Kim x