Marriage over don't know where to start

kizzykizzywizzy

Yes I know I almost begged him, to change his mind.
I'm going to leave him to think about things, the trouble was to begin with perhaps I was a bit over the top, but I missed him so much, I was bound to be.

Skint_Lynne

Hiya,
Glad you are feeling a bit more settled today and that you had a good sleep. See, if you leave him to it, he will feel the need to contact you, just let him do the running and try and seem as if you don't really care what he does (although I know you do) and things should click into place eventually.

Remember though, if he decides that he has been an idiot and he wants everything to go back to normal, you must make it clear that if he pulls a stunt like this again, he will be gone without any way back. That's what I said to my DH and I still mean it to this day. Just so that he knows he can't do this to you every few months and then get away with it.

Men can be so stupid at times they make me :mad: :mad: :mad: !!

Sorry to men reading this thread!!

SL x

MrsTinks

Hi Kizzy - sorry I'm late in catching up!

It sounds to me like he's pretty confused himself... now this is no excuse but might help you understand what is going on which might help you
As others have said it's possible something has triggered this "reaction" - like a comment or even something as daft as a film etc - the mind is a complex thing!
The fact is that you've dealt with it and are showing you can cope just fine without him thank you very much - no-one likes finding that out! My Ex from many years ago couldn't get me back quick enough when I finally came out of my depression and realised I could cope without him running my life. Unfortunately for him I learnt the lesson for good and wasn't going to settle back into a "sweet obedient" girlfriend, I'd found myself and a the courage to do what I want. We didn't last long second time around... When he got round to wanting to finish with me the second time I'd already been looking for a flat and frankly the only thing I regret is him beating me to the dumping
Anyway - I think it is entirely possible for him to simply be confused - HOWEVER that doesn't mean you shouldn't get the best out of this scenario - look at it like a warning call: It might work out, but what if further down the line it doesn't? Will you be prepared then? Do you have a "social" life or is he your social life? I know he's been away but I bet he's not been sat in his room every night! I worked away for 3 months before I met DH and i can assure you that I wouldn't have sat in my room every night! I made friends and went out drinking etc. I had a blooming good time! Ok I was single but even so, now when I work away one night a week I still go out (although more and more I use the time to do work or surf MSE :rotfl: I must be getting old!) What you need is to have things YOU do - pilates class, ladies dart night... something just for you

I'd also stick with just replying to his texts - don't start them unless you actually have something you need him to do or tell him.

You can get through this
I think if you two DO work things out then you need to insist that you go to councelling together too...

StressedSteph

mountainofdebt wrote: »

I know this sounds hard but you need to think of your emotional needs and not how your OH will cope....after all he has had the advantage of advanced knowledge of the bomb shell he was about to drop.....adn I think it was particularly cruel to announce it on your birthday.

Its early days yet and I really do hope that you can work things out....whatever that may mean.<
X

I completely agree with Mountainofdebt. He obviously can sort himself out, as he has had time to think it through. I would seriously just worry about yourself and your children. All of this is his making after all.

BIG HUGS xxxx

Poppy9

kizzykizzywizzy wrote: »

Went to the park & had a nice time, whilst there I had 2 texts from him, haven't had any off his own back before now, only replies to mine in the past.
So the first one was about him needing to book 2 days off in September as I have to go into work ( he's seeing me tonight, so whats the urgency? )
Second one was shall I pop in straight from work? - well we've already said that's what he's doing!
Crazy

I would say he's texting you to see what mood you are in and if you are still mad at him.

In some ways when you upset someone it's easier to do so if they are mad at you and shouting etc. Calmness is very hard to cope with as you can't deflect the upset you are causing as you can't argue your point and the silence says it all. Think back to when you were a child and you did something wrong. It was always easier to to justify in your head if your parents were mad at you. If they calmly told you how you had let yourself down etc. you felt bad.

ZTD

kizzykizzywizzy wrote: »

Whilst he was away, we were getting by on £50 a week to pay for everything after bills, whilst he was running up, bar bills on the ship, he's extremely selfish & although he's said he's been a slave to me, he can't seem to do anything without asking me, "what do you think??"

Isn't this the "consultation" that many other women wish their men would do? It strikes me as a bit of a contradiction that someone who only thinks of themselves should always be seeking your opinion.

kizzykizzywizzy wrote: »

I know what you mean about the trust, I do feel betrayed & let down, I'm sad that he didn't give me any hint of this whilst away & waited to get home to spring it on me.

Would you have preferred it if he'd told you whilst away, and when he was only reachable by phone?

Decide what you want long-term and move towards that. Your relationship is not over yet, but either one of you can kill it permanently, even by accident.

It's hard to deal with someone else's depression. But illness does always test a relationship, no matter what form it takes.

kizzykizzywizzy

Thanks guys, well he's been around, knocked on the door, rather than use his key. I got some stuff ready, so he could make pizza with the kids, so he did that. When he got here I let the kids open the door & as the washing machine was finished I started putting that on the line. He came out into the garden & asked if I needed a hug, I said no, why do you, he looked shocked said no & went back in the house.
Kept asking me do i want a drink, can I get you anything, at which point I said you're here to see the kids, I don't need you to do anything for me.
Rubbed his finger on my hand, felt a bit like he feels sorry for me, it's him that's losing everything.
He had a shower while he was here & said what shall I do with my washing! I said take it with you.
Anyway DD said are you going to be able to come on holiday with us or do you have to work? So he said I'm not sure & looked at me, well of course I said yes he'll be able to come. I caught him looking at me a couple of times.
He's coming around a bit later tomorrow, it seemed a VERY long time tonight. He's put the kids to bed & gone.
I didn't bother to walk him to the front door.
So that's that for another day

kizzykizzywizzy

ZTD - I wouldn't have wanted him to end it whilst away, BUT I would've liked to have known that he was unhappy & perhaps we could have talked about it before it got this far. Rather than sending me emails saying that he loved me & missed me right up to the day he came back!
I'm all for consultation, BUT, if he's not with me he has to do stuff for himself & think for himself, I'm not his mother & he doesn't want me to be his wife, so I don't feel that I should be constantly helping him

Gemmzie

I think you're amazing Kizzy. You're so strong and keeping things civil for the kids.

kizzykizzywizzy

Thanks Gemmzie, I'm quite surprised with myself, to be honest, were there no children involved perhaps I wouldn't be so calm. I just don't want them to be hurt any more than they have to be.