Marriage over don't know where to start

NW-ANGEL

kizzykizzywizzy wrote: »

NW ANGEL I'm hoping that being away will help him think, I hope it doesn't take 6 months though:eek:

i needed to make sure before i went back that it was right for us both - i couldnt stand anymore pain....time wise is between the two of you....that was what was right for us....set him some time limits...your control over the situation then - but be there - depression can be very selfish - the person does only think of them selves - but he needs to see this himself. you will have to let lots go by the way so to speak and it will be hard xxx

kizzykizzywizzy

Skint Lynne he used to have to fly back & forth to Glasgow as his ship was sometimes in Loch Mallen or Loch Long.
I do feel better now I can relax in the house & come on here if I like.
What he doesn't understand it is really hard for me to have him here too, where as I was making all the decisions, it's made me all indecisive, I can't even just get on with dinner, because I almost need to ask him what he wants, where as before I'd just get on with it, or if I wasn't hungry, make a sandwich. Also TV, I like watching the crime channel - I know weird!! so I do realise you can't get away with murder! & he watches Top Gear, which i can cope with a bit, but every time I went in the living room Dave channel was on!! arrrggghhh
Also with the kids, I have certain things I'm more relaxed on than he is, but I'm sure with time, it would've all got back to normal

SEK_2

I just want to say that I know what you're going through.
My DH decided to tell me on our DD birthday that he loved me but wasn't in love with me any more. This came without warning everything was fine up until that moment. He said he'd felt like it for some time.
We had been together since teenagers, been through some awful times together and a lot of good times. Our children we're the same age as yours.
I was totally devestrated but had to be strong for my children. We decided that he would stay for 3mths until our DS had settled into school. Somedays he would say that he wanted to try and save our marriage other days he'd say there was no point. This wasn't my DH that I knew he was clearly suffering from depression, but if I said that to him he would hit the roof saying that he was fine. My DH refused to see a Dr or try relate.
At times it was really awful he could be really nasty to me or really cold towards me. Other times he could be affectionate and I would see the DH that I knew. Then he would switch back to being withdrawn.
He also didn't want anything. All he kept saying was that he wanted to rent a room somewhere and me and the kids could have everything & he'd carry on paying the mortgage and bills.
I made a very difficult decission. I decided that my husband problem wasn't with me, the problem was with him. He was depressed and was shutting down his emotions because he just couldn't cope with life anymore. I vowed not to give up on him or our marriage. I would hope that the other way round that he wouldn't give up on me. I fought so hard. I stayed strong in front of him, took as much responsibility away from him as I could without him Knowing and didn't put any preasure on him. Some days it was awful and I thought my heart would break. Life was like this for 10mths.

2yrs on and we are the happiest we have ever been. Life is really good. DH know realises that he was depressed and feels awful about what he put me through and is grateful that I fought for us, him. He has no idea why it happened or what the trigger was. He says that he didn't mean all the awful things that he said to me, he just couldn't deal with emotions.
I have come out of this a much stronger person. Some people will say that I am a door mat and I should have kicked him out but I know that what I did was right for my family. Depression is an illness as you know, if I was ill my DH wouldn't abandon me. Marriage is a partnership sometimes one person needs to be strong for the other person.

I am not saying that yours is the same situation, but I thought I would tell you my experience.

Take care of yourself.
x

P.S Sorry about spelling and grammer but I have just got home from work having been there since yesterday morning and i'm shattered, but I couldn't read and run.

NW-ANGEL

maybe its just all of these little things that have got on top of him - possibly? things may yet get back to normal xx give each other time xx

am off shortly but will ve thinkin bout you - keep us updated and i reali hope things work out and he comes to his senses xx

kizzykizzywizzy

SEK thanks for letting me know your story, it sounds exactly the same - hot & cold, nice to me then nasty, then just distant & cold.
Also the bit about not wanting to see a doctor.
I have asked him what is it that I have done that was so bad?? he can't tell me!
Like you, I don't feel like a doormat for trying to save my marriage, too many people take marriage too lightly these days, I married for life.
He says that was 13 years ago, people change, we won't be the first couple to split up!! But it will be a first for me!

Runnybabbit

Hi Kizzy

have been reading your post with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat - something has hit a raw nerve for me.

Like SEK said the finger is pointing strongly at depression, my DH suffered with it although at the time, i just thought he was being selfish and just bad mannered - which was totally out of character.

Unfortunately I don't think at the time we really appreciated what depression was, it's only looking back now that it all fits into place, just hang in there darlin, I shall be thinking of you,

Babbit x

jo_b_2

Just read through this thread, kizzy. Don't know what to say, just hope that the two of you manage to work this out.

My OH and I had a rocky patch a few years ago (and we actually split up for about 8 or 9 months.) He started being unpredictable and creating arguments for the sake of it and some similar behaviour to your husband. (ie: He'd say something totally unreasonable and then when I responded with swear words, he'd say 'there's no talking to you' and make everything my fault!) :rolleyes:

There were two things at the root of that, depression and another woman on the scene so his guilt obviously had a part to play. (I think it made it easier for him to create arguments and make me seem unreasonable.)

Anyway, we're still together now. We're very happy and our youngest child is a year old. 4 years ago he was telling me he didn't want to be with me anymore.

I hope your relationship has a happy ending but even if the worst comes to the worst, remember that you have the strength to get through it. Just remember to take care of yourself as well as the kids. xx

elona

I must be a real biatch because I not only hoped he got blisters on "the longest walk of his life!!"

I hoped that something more than his hair dropped off!:mad:

I have a heavy handbag and am mentally using it where it would do the most good!

You deserve better and I hope things settle.

kizzykizzywizzy

Runnybabbit wrote: »

Hi Kizzy

have been reading your post with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat - something has hit a raw nerve for me.

Like SEK said the finger is pointing strongly at depression, my DH suffered with it although at the time, i just thought he was being selfish and just bad mannered - which was totally out of character.

Unfortunately I don't think at the time we really appreciated what depression was, it's only looking back now that it all fits into place, just hang in there darlin, I shall be thinking of you,

Babbit x

Exactly RB, he is the kindest, loveliest person, you could ever meet, he's funny, has lovely twinkly eyes & we have had great times together.
The person (not) here now is not him, it's as if he's dead in his body, iyswim

kizzykizzywizzy

elona wrote: »

I must be a real biatch because I not only hoped he got blisters on "the longest walk of his life!!"

I hoped that something more than his hair dropped off!:mad:

I have a heavy handbag and am mentally using it where it would do the most good!

You deserve better and I hope things settle.

:rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: