Single and in debt.

Paulgonnabedebtfree

Lula-Hula wrote: »

Hello fabby peeps,

Ossireo, I dont actually have the patience, I' ve been suckered by a very convincing power & manipulation exercise.When xbf got all insistetn I would end up saying that we could meet up everyo so often to walk the dog, but insisted that he wasnt coming here or getting involved with DD . He would agree & then go quiet for a couple of days. Having the benefit of PaulGBDFs :A experience & advice I realised what xbf was doing & that he would never accept just being friends, he just said that to try to slip back in control again :mad: . His behaviour on saturday night just proved that was what he was doing. His email said that I was behaving oddly & he'd been out for drive & just though of popping in :rolleyes: .

1 - He rang my home phone first & couple of times & then when I didnt answer immediately came over ( i know how long it takes to drive here :rolleyes: ) & started calling from his mobile which was when I spotted the car.

2- He completely ignored what I said about coming here.

3 - He wanted to know where I was if not at home

4 - He lied about his reason for showing up.

Conclusive proof of everything that PaulGBDF :A said. Once I knew this I wasnt swayed by the emotional blackmail of " things are really stressful at home" or " I'm very lonely & I just need a friend" or " I'm very fragile at the moment". As his grip on my conscience eased I felt less & less scared of him & more p!ssed off at how he was just trying to manipulate me.

the fact that his last email was just two words repeated over & over & also arranged into an inverted pyramid says to me that he knows that I'm gone & I dont care what he says or does anymore.

I cant really express just how much I appreciate all your help & support with this, it's been really really hard to deal with & if it wasnt for you guys I'd probably still be giving in - on the phone anyway- & would never have escaped.

No contact at all today :j

Session with the counsellor was ok too

:iloveyou: guys

lula
xx

Glad I was able to be a help. Unfortunately, that help was made possible due to me going very close to the edge a few years back. Although it's not possible to fully predict the other person in detail, there are certain behavioural traits with people who do this. I ended up with having carrier bags with items in them left dangling from the wing mirrors of my van. There was even a wide strip of paper left across my windscreen with a rude message on it. This was after I had been to the police. I contacted the police and asked them what the next step would be after they had been around and warned her. The next step was court. I didn't want that to happen so I didn't continue the complaint. I figured she just wanted the last word. I was happy for her to have it. In fact, she had the last word about five times via my vehicle (she didn't damage it though). I eventually changed my vehicle as I needed a larger van. I didn't get it signwritten for over two years because I didn't want her to be able to identify it in the street. It only stopped when I went to her best friend's house and told her what I had been through. She listens to her best friend. I was quite ill at the time - not just due to the stalking. I also had a potentially life threatening illness (hepatitis-c) that I was about to start treatment for and I didn't want to cope with stalking and be suffering severe side effects at the same time. Indeed, people have been known to be violent due to the side effects of the treatment and I was actually concerned that I might end up hurting or even killing her in a moment of madness. Her friend passed the info on (I went to her friend as a last resort before going to the police for a second time) and I was left alone after that. The last contact with my vehicle was in early 2004. That's over 5 years ago. I tell you this. It scarred me so badly that even these days, I occasionally wonder if she's going to turn up out of the blue. Those scars have mostly healed. So have the scars on my liver. The treatment was a 100% success, my liver regenerated, and I've been in good health for some years now. Not a trace of the virus since a few weeks into that horrible treatment.
I will never ever give someone that much power over me again. It put me off relationships for quite a while but I did date again eventually. It didn't work out but at least we could be adults about it.

TDQO

Lula-Hula wrote: »

Thanks hon,


TDQO - when do you do the move to your new luxuriously minimalist crib :rotfl:

Am finally moving on Sunday the 8th... I should rpobably buy a bed or at least a sleeping bag before then!

sarahb123_3

Hi Paul, thanks for your post, what a horrible experience for you. Glad to hear that you are better now and that she has left you alone.

Paulgonnabedebtfree

sarahb123 wrote: »

If you haven't already, I would let him know that you are keeping a log of all incidents and copy of his emails incase you ever need to take it further, he may respond with he isn't actually doing anything illegal, just remind him the sheer volume of attempting to contact you counts as harrassment and you have a child to think of.

Not wanting to be contrary Sarah but I disagree. The best policy with such people is no contact, no reaction. Nothing. The behaviour is designed to enforce contact. Making contact would give him back his power - even if that contact was only to be a final warning. IMO, if Lula wants to deal with this, it should only be via the police now. Either that or nothing. Certainly records need to be kept though. Not sure that contacting his mother is any help. Sounds like she might be messed up too.

Paulgonnabedebtfree

sarahb123 wrote: »

Hi Paul, thanks for your post, what a horrible experience for you. Glad to hear that you are better now and that she has left you alone.

Thank you Sarah. It's nice to be well. I learned that good health is not a right but a privelege. Some of my debt is because I needed to live partly on credit cards when I was too ill to work much.
Good health to you as well.

sarahb123_3

Paulgonnabedebtfree wrote: »

Not wanting to be contrary Sarah but I disagree. The best policy with such people is no contact, no reaction. Nothing. The behaviour is designed to enforce contact. Making contact would give him back his power - even if that contact was only to be a final warning. IMO, if Lula wants to deal with this, it should only be via the police now. Either that or nothing. Certainly records need to be kept though. Not sure that contacting his mother is any help. Sounds like she might be messed up too.

I think-having read some of the history of this- that he can be scared off quite easily via mummy/police. I do realise that you have had experienced this before, but it does feel to me that he is a very weak person and even minimal contact with the police will scare him off.

makeup

Hi Paul

Thanks for your post. I'm glad to hear that your health has improved and also that your ex has left you alone in the recent past.

I don't really have anything to add but think you have been really helpful on here and I really appreciate you sharing your story.

I'm also glad to hear you were able to date afterwards, I think a lot of people would have been put off after such a horrendous experience. I had a bad experience with an ex - but nothing compared to yours, but I found it very emotionally draining and I'm not keen to dip a toe back in the dating pond right now.

Take care!

sarahb123_3

Paulgonnabedebtfree wrote: »

Thank you Sarah. It's nice to be well. I learned that good health is not a right but a privelege. Some of my debt is because I needed to live partly on credit cards when I was too ill to work much.
Good health to you as well.

Aww Paul, thankyou. You are right, we don't appreciate our good health until there is a problem.

Could you wish me riches as well:D

Lula-Hula

PaulGBDF

I'm so glad to hear that you have survived both the illness & the stalker; I was going to send you a pm to say thanks for your insight & help but i figured that as everyone here knows about my situation & many others read but dont post that you deserve public recognition for having the courage to share your own traumatic experiences, the wisdom to recognise that it's happening to someone else & the kindness to gently persuade me that it is a real problem & why, whilst knowing that I didnt really want to involve the police, as it's difficult to convey how stressful it is when there's no threats or evidence of violence. Thank you so, so much :A

lula

ps - need to go find a box of tissues now will be back when i've dried up a bit .

Paulgonnabedebtfree

sarahb123 wrote: »

I think-having read some of the history of this- that he can be scared off quite easily via mummy/police. I do realise that you have had experienced this before, but it does feel to me that he is a very weak person and even minimal contact with the police will scare him off.

I think that police contact would work too. As there has been no actual violence, their usual response is to visit the stalker and warn them at first that if the behaviour continues, they will be in court. For the vast majority of such people, that warning is sufficient. It's pretty unusual to continue after such a warning - though it does sometimes happen.