Boyfriend Supporting His Parents - is there any other way??

Stephb1986_2

CB1979 wrote: »

@ stephb - well perhaps he wants to be able to pay for stuff as he's more fortunate than them??

I bought my sister (4 years older than me) & bro-in-law (6 years older than me) and her 4 kids, a 32" LCD HD TV, some PS2 games, DS Games, Music & dvds for all of them at xmas probably spent about £500.

I got £20 back, however they have sod all money and all the prezzies i bought was mainly for the kids as they go without quite alot, i have approx £1500 pcm spare each month, so didn't see it as a problem.

The kids dont go without or anything they have a wii and a xbox306 i certainly didnt have that sort of thing when i was a kid! he doesnt have much left over every month after paying his mortgage and bills ect.

It just annoys me that his sister EXPECTS him to buy these presents for her kids when she doesnt get him the same in return.

Steph xx

nikki702

CB1979 wrote: »

I bought my sister (4 years older than me) & bro-in-law (6 years older than me) and her 4 kids, a 32" LCD HD TV, some PS2 games, DS Games, Music & dvds for all of them at xmas probably spent about £500.

CB can i be your sister?

Stephb1986_2

i'll be your sister too

i dont mind him buying that sort of present it just annoys me that he doesnt get it in return or that the kids as for such expensive presents!

Steph xx

kunekune

It is not anti-MSE to suggest to someone that their financial position might not be what they think it is, and they ought to check it out ...

miserly_mum

From reading the OP's posts i'm seeing that financially she was willing to pay her way once she had moved in with her BF.

She assumed (maybe naively) that as he's taken the next step in the relationship and as a "proper couple" they would now share everything. I don't think she was thinking about the legalities of who owned the deeds to the house, protecting her financial interests etc.

This is a 22 year old lady moving in with the man she loves. She's earning and is offering to help with the mortgage bills etc and he's the one refusing it.

I'm not seeing a gold digger here at all. She's stated that she saving the money that she would have been contributing towards the house incase he needs it in the future. Which given his spending at the moment is more than likely.

A few people have commented that she seems to want a lot considering shes only lived with him 6 months. But they've been together 2.5 years and presumably he'd felt the the time was right for them to live together. I assume she didn't just turn up with a suitcase.

Why ask your GF to move in then treat her like a lodger?

wallpapermate

CB1979 wrote: »

@ stephb - well perhaps he wants to be able to pay for stuff as he's more fortunate than them??

I bought my sister (4 years older than me) & bro-in-law (6 years older than me) and her 4 kids, a 32" LCD HD TV, some PS2 games, DS Games, Music & dvds for all of them at xmas probably spent about £500.

I got £20 back, however they have sod all money and all the prezzies i bought was mainly for the kids as they go without quite alot, i have approx £1500 pcm spare each month, so didn't see it as a problem.

@ kunekune - maybe good advice, however is very hypocritical of what is normally posted on here, and if she was the one with the house everyone would be saying to protect her interests and not let him pay towards the mortgage.

you are in an extremely fortunate position to have £1500 disposable income a month. not everyone is in this position, and i certainly know that my OH is not in the position where he can afford £500. that's my point. i know he wants to help, and so do i, but that extends to more than just giving people money. i think throwing money at problems only serves to make them worse, and you can show people that you care in more ways than throwing money at them.
Please dont get me wrong, i think that's a very noble thing to do, and i have been known to spend stupid amounts of money on relatives, taking people on holiday etc but equally if i thought that people were relying on me to do such, i would become resentful of it. i dont do it out of obligation, or duty, i do it because i love my family. My OH does it because he is being emotionally blackmailed, and that is very hurtful to see.
my whole point was that i thought that my OHs parents could be getting help from elsewhere, as surely having paid tax and NI all these years they are entitled to some sort of reduction on council tax etc in light of their circumstances. if i was him,I'd help them do a budget, see where they could cut costs on bills, and so on. i dont think that to throw money at a problem will make it go away coz it wont, it will just change the parameters of the problem.

re the house issue, we were together when he bought it but i have never paid a bill, or anything towards the mortgage. who owns the house is immaterial to me, as we will be buying one together in the years to come. i'm not paying towards this mortgage, but i am saving for the deposit on the next house. he doesnt have the money to save at the moment and i do. if he is resistant to the idea of me contributing and owning a property jointly three years down the line then i think we have a problem!! for now, i just want to see him happy.

glossgal

wallpapermate wrote: »

you are in an extremely fortunate position to have £1500 disposable income a month. not everyone is in this position, and i certainly know that my OH is not in the position where he can afford £500. that's my point. i know he wants to help, and so do i, but that extends to more than just giving people money. i think throwing money at problems only serves to make them worse, and you can show people that you care in more ways than throwing money at them.
Please dont get me wrong, i think that's a very noble thing to do, and i have been known to spend stupid amounts of money on relatives, taking people on holiday etc but equally if i thought that people were relying on me to do such, i would become resentful of it. i dont do it out of obligation, or duty, i do it because i love my family. My OH does it because he is being emotionally blackmailed, and that is very hurtful to see.
my whole point was that i thought that my OHs parents could be getting help from elsewhere, as surely having paid tax and NI all these years they are entitled to some sort of reduction on council tax etc in light of their circumstances. if i was him,I'd help them do a budget, see where they could cut costs on bills, and so on. i dont think that to throw money at a problem will make it go away coz it wont, it will just change the parameters of the problem.

re the house issue, we were together when he bought it but i have never paid a bill, or anything towards the mortgage. who owns the house is immaterial to me, as we will be buying one together in the years to come. i'm not paying towards this mortgage, but i am saving for the deposit on the next house. he doesnt have the money to save at the moment and i do. if he is resistant to the idea of me contributing and owning a property jointly three years down the line then i think we have a problem!! for now, i just want to see him happy.

That's admirable and you obviously care deeply about him but you shouldn't sacrifice your happiness at the expense of his. The situation and his refusal to discuss it is making you unhappy and I think it's quite selfish of him not to realise that.

As for you not being allowed to contribute to bills, I think this is odd. If he were loaded or some sort of sugar daddy I could maybe understand it (hell, who am I kidding I'd be green with envy!) but you've said he is struggling financially? I 'own' the house I share with my OH eg he isn't on the mortgage, deeds, bills etc BUT he contributes and I can't imagine him not doing, neither of us would be comfortable. I hate to be a doom monger but I wouldn't be waiting three years to find out he doesn't want to own a house with you because of his other issues with money/family life in genral.

wallpapermate

glossgal wrote: »

[/b]

That's admirable and you obviously care deeply about him but you shouldn't sacrifice your happiness at the expense of his. The situation and his refusal to discuss it is making you unhappy and I think it's quite selfish of him not to realise that.

As for you not being allowed to contribute to bills, I think this is odd. If he were loaded or some sort of sugar daddy I could maybe understand it (hell, who am I kidding I'd be green with envy!) but you've said he is struggling financially? I 'own' the house I share with my OH eg he isn't on the mortgage, deeds, bills etc BUT he contributes and I can't imagine him not doing, neither of us would be comfortable. I hate to be a doom monger but I wouldn't be waiting three years to find out he doesn't want to own a house with you because of his other issues with money/family life in genral.

i think he does know it's selfish. he was extremely apologetic yesterday, and although this doesnt make it right, it does mean that he has recognised there is a problem which is something that we can work on together, when the sitution allows it. ie. when we are alone, and not stressed out from a day at work!!

i have agreed with him that i will pay a quarter of bills (2 other people living in house), which is fair, and i will still continue to buy food etc, and holidays, trips out. not ideal, but at least then i cant be accused of taking advantage (which he clearly knows i'm not, is just easier to blame/take things out on the person closest to you)

I dont really want to hang around for three years while de decides, but if there is blatant refusal after this period of time to buy a house together, i will have saved up my own pot of money to get my own house with. this will be a result of his own selfishness, and my saving for 'our' future, so at least i could then walk away knowing that i did everything within my power to make it work.

miserly_mum

Wallpapermate apart from the financial side of things......are you really prepared to spend a lifetime with him unmarried and childless?

Or are you hoping that he will change his mind once you are together 3 years ?

wallpapermate

miserly_mum wrote: »

Wallpapermate apart from the financial side of things......are you really prepared to spend a lifetime with him unmarried and childless?

Or are you hoping that he will change his mind once you are together 3 years ?

two weeks after i met him he sat me down and said he didnt want a girlfriend. so he has changed his mind in the past... i guess i am hoping he will change his mind about this too, not necessarily in the next few months, but within the next 5 years.