Boyfriend Supporting His Parents - is there any other way??

Paparika

glossgal wrote: »

Paparika, what you've said is deeply unfair-why should any adult child *have* to support their parents endlessly without thanks to boot? If the roles were reversed would we be encouraging a parent to support their adult child without question, forever? There is such a thing as personal responsibility and we all have a duty to demonstrate it the best we can, ill or not. I feel OP's man is being taken advantage of in a very cruel way, to me it's a form of emotional blackmail. The worst thing is there will be benefits and financial support available to the parents and if they are older their mortgage is probably very low anyway. I just don't buy that they'd be destituute?

OP, I think you are right to be concerned and it doesnt make you a bad person at all. Its easy to say 'they're his parents so don't get involved' but when you're a couple it doesn't work that way. On a much smaller level, I have some experience of this type of thing with my OH's mother who despite being largely out of his life would ring asking for money (even when OH was out of work!). Despite being- imho -a terrible parent, OH would dutifully go and hand over the money. I bit my tongue for a while but couldn't bear to see my OH-a kind hearted lovely guy-treated this way and finally started to go mad if she called and made it really clear what I thought. OH now ignores her demands (as far as I know!) and we don't argue about it.

I have to agree though that you might want to assess the relationship, your OH seems to have issues generally around this, maybe he's hoping to buy their affection as he senses how little they think of him? It's pretty screwed up but this money thing might be just the tip of a very morbid iceburg!

now now no misquoting please, I didn't suggest that any adult child *have* to support their parents endlessly, the OH's partner chooses too.

As for his family slagging him off, I've never met the perfect family yet, my family do it (perhaps that's why i really don't have much doing with them), my OH's family is the same.

When my illness becomes too much I certainly wouldn't expect my son to look after me financially, that is his choice, i learnt a long time ago not to be proud and to accept help, I'd be dead now if i lived that way.

glossgal

Paparika wrote: »

now now no misquoting please, I didn't suggest that any adult child *have* to support their parents endlessly, the OH's partner chooses too.

As for his family slagging him off, I've never met the perfect family yet, my family do it (perhaps that's why i really don't have much doing with them), my OH's family is the same.

When my illness becomes too much I certainly wouldn't expect my son to look after me financially, that is his choice, i learnt a long time ago not to be proud and to accept help, I'd be dead now if i lived that way.

Ok fair point, but the tone of your post was pretty much of the 'so what if he helps them they're his parents' school of thought which is what I objected to. On the face of it of course you should help your parents (or children) if you can in hard times but in OP's case her man is three years and counting of enabling/encouraging his parents to be helpless! I agree that families name call etc but as OP suggested herself it's pretty bare faced to accept handouts from a son you show no respect for. Thats why I thought there was more to it then just money which sadly seems to be the case...

Stephb1986_2

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I had to laugh at this; it sounds exactly like a parent living with an adult child! Problem is that many here would think it acceptable (even normal) behaviour in someone of 24 but unacceptable in someone 40 years older! Double standards perhaps?

Well his dad is 48 and my OH is 25, my OH pays all the bills. Im 21 and he's 25 but his dad comes in at like 6am and slams the door. He could try to be quiet its not hard!

Steph xx

bookduck

Stephb1986 wrote: »

He lords it over my OH like he still has the place!

You will always be their little boy or girl in your parents eyes, no matter what you age, and they will always chip in because they know best! It is 'his' house - he was there first Older family always have a 'get out of jail free' card that friends do not have.

kunekune

I have read through this, expecting to see someone comment on OP's own long term position, but they haven't, so here goes.

OP, whose name is the house you share in? Has your boyfriend been through a bitter divorce, where his partner got a share of their previous house? Alarm bells are ringing for me about your position should you leave or should he leave. Have you ever discussed whether the house is partly yours, regardless of the legal title? If it is in his name, you are not paying anything towards the mortgage, and there is no agreement that you should have part of the house, you might find that at the end of it, despite contributing all you can, you could end up with nothing. And, some of the things you say he has said, makes me suspect this is exactly what your boyfriend intends. You are more like a lodger.

If this is not how you thought it was, please add this to the list of what you need to talk about. You are, in a way, helping him get an interest in his parents' house as well as making it possible to buy his own. You need to make sure your own interests are protected.

miserly_mum

I also feel the OP is being treated as not much more than a glorified lodger too kunekune.

Everyone is painting the BF as being soft natured and being easily taken advantage of. I don't see this to be the case when he's dealing with the OP.

I think he knows exactly what he's doing by not accepting payment from her towards the mortgage. He's protecting his own interests should they split up in the future.

I can understand this to a degree ,if like you say he's had a bitter divorce etc. But if I was the OP i'd be questioning why he can be so hard when it comes to her but not with his family.

kunekune

miserly_mum, the bitter divorce/separation came to mind because I also suspect he knows exactly what he's doing. The way their finances are organised are precisely what you'd expect if someone wanted to make sure their other half ended up with nothing.

CB1979_2

wait a sec girls, she's only been living there a month (fair enough being seeing each other 2.5 years).

I'm sure if roles were reversed (and i'm sure i've seen it mentioned before on here) that if she was the home owner, you'd be all saying she needs to protect her interests.
In fact you all go on about how people shouldn't take on each others debts when in a relationship, but it's fine to take on a positive balance when it suits??

end of the day it's HIS house, yes he may decide at a later date to add her to the deeds, etc or he may sell up bank his equity (if any) then they jointly 50/50 get a new property.

don't be so harsh on the fella for wanting to protect himself if he's been shafted previously (and as OP says, ex is demanding more money), after all i'm assuming he loved his ex before and got "done over", so is obviouslly weary.
nothing wrong with that.

Also OP says she prefers having seperate finances.

imo if you want a share of the house, then make it clear you want none of his gains from it already, even suggest getting it legally done.

bookduck

kunekune wrote: »

miserly_mum, the bitter divorce/separation came to mind because I also suspect he knows exactly what he's doing. The way their finances are organised are precisely what you'd expect if someone wanted to make sure their other half ended up with nothing.

As a bloke, I see is as their finances are arranged to protect her. I think he is honest and upfront. I'd do the same. I would not want my partner financially supporting me because I'm supporting my families. It is just wrong to sponge of your partner because your other families have troubles. It too easy to be a bit short one month and expect your partner to pick up the bill or pay for groceries etc, or meals with the daughter, holidays. I think she would end up with much less if they 'shared' and she'd definitely have much less in the bank.

How many times on this forum do you see partners taking financial advantage. Now when someone does not, you want to ostracize him too. It is true, you just can't please wimmin - dammed if you do and dammed if you don't. It sounds like this poor person is stretched on all sides and has no way to turn. Many would be inclined to chuck there job in and go traveling for a year to two.

tattoed_bum

do you think your bf knows how his family feel about him , my dh does he calls himself no2 son ,as his brother always gets loads for birthdays and christmas from his parents ,while my dh gets nothing .
but they are always looking for handouts from us ,

when i moved in we waited 6mths before we puy my name on the mortgage its a sensible thing to do ,if he has paid the mortgage for all time he has been there he may want to make sure that things are going to work between you first ,some people get on great as partners but are not always compatable living together.
there is also the cost involved in changing deeds and things he may not be in a financial position to do so at the moment .
he may be so used to paying for himself and others that it may be strange for him to accept money from you .