Boyfriend Supporting His Parents - is there any other way??

Loretta

miserly_mum wrote: »

Maybe i'll be shot down in flames here but........if I was the OP i'd be having real doubts about my future with this man( personally i'd be running a mile)

Why would you want to be with a man who deep down thinks you are one of the many taking advantage of his good nature. Sounds to me like he won't accept any money towards HIS mortgage as he thinks you won't have a claim on HIS house if you should split up in the future.

He has made it plain he won't marry you and HE has decided you won't be having any children because HE doesn't want any more. You keep making him out to be soft and easily taken adavantage of........obviously by everyone but you.

You say you have no say over his finances because you aren't married. Neither are my OH and I but we discuss and share everything because everything we earn,spend or save reflects on our and our childrens future.

Where do you see yourself 10 years from now? He doesn't listen to any advice you give or accept any help you offer. He'll probably still be bailing out his parents and you'll still be nothing more than a glorified lodger (with priviledges) because he doesn't love or trust you enough to REALLY commit to you.

There is financial help out there for his parents. If they can't be bothered to find it then thats their problem. He maybe naively thinks that him paying their mortgage now will be a financial investment for the future. Not so if theres nothing on paper and it needs to be sold to pay for care homes in a few years.

You sound like a caring loving person and you obviously love this man very much but honestly.........what are you getting from this relationship.

Do you want to give up the chance of marriage and a family for a man who doesn't share either his feelings or his finances with you and who will go running every time his parents want him to help them out ad infinitum?

I think MiserlyMum has a great deal of experience of life and gives very good advice

Please listen to her and think very carefully about what she says

wallpapermate

glossgal wrote: »

Paparika, what you've said is deeply unfair-why should any adult child *have* to support their parents endlessly without thanks to boot? If the roles were reversed would we be encouraging a parent to support their adult child without question, forever? There is such a thing as personal responsibility and we all have a duty to demonstrate it the best we can, ill or not. I feel OP's man is being taken advantage of in a very cruel way, to me it's a form of emotional blackmail. The worst thing is there will be benefits and financial support available to the parents and if they are older their mortgage is probably very low anyway. I just don't buy that they'd be destituute?

OP, I think you are right to be concerned and it doesnt make you a bad person at all. Its easy to say 'they're his parents so don't get involved' but when you're a couple it doesn't work that way. On a much smaller level, I have some experience of this type of thing with my OH's mother who despite being largely out of his life would ring asking for money (even when OH was out of work!). Despite being- imho -a terrible parent, OH would dutifully go and hand over the money. I bit my tongue for a while but couldn't bear to see my OH-a kind hearted lovely guy-treated this way and finally started to go mad if she called and made it really clear what I thought. OH now ignores her demands (as far as I know!) and we don't argue about it.

I have to agree though that you might want to assess the relationship, your OH seems to have issues generally around this, maybe he's hoping to buy their affection as he senses how little they think of him? It's pretty screwed up but this money thing might be just the tip of a very morbid iceburg!

hi glossgal,
you must be a very astute person as i have felt for a very long time that something within the family is not quite right. they are extremely demanding of his time, and he never gets to spend any time with his daughter when she is up this way because his family take over, openly suggesting that he is bottom of the list of everyone's priorities and that he is the last of everyone's considerations. his mum has even inferred i should leave him because he is 'a horrible person'. i dont know anyone who would feel comfortable taking money from someone they were so openly derisive of.i dont what whatever problem they've got coming between me and him, as it would only serve to reinforce the feeling of worthlessness he clearly already has.
as we speak i am writing him a letter because i think to tackle this issue head on will only result in a full-scale arguement, and rather than splitting us up, this issue should be bringing us closer together and i want to help him all i can without him feeling i am yet another person that is criticising his every move.

Stephb1986_2

hi i sort have got the same problem my fella has his own place the one he grew up in his mum and dad split up years ago so he bought the house, his dad has no where else to go so lives with my OH pays non of the bills or anything and lives there rent free. He goes out at the weekend till all hours of the morning and then slams the door when he does come in. He lords it over my OH like he still has the place!

It does my head in but i dont know what to say

Steph xx

Oldernotwiser

Stephb1986 wrote: »

hi i sort have got the same problem my fella has his own place the one he grew up in his mum and dad split up years ago so he bought the house, his dad has no where else to go so lives with my OH pays non of the bills or anything and lives there rent free. He goes out at the weekend till all hours of the morning and then slams the door when he does come in. He lords it over my OH like he still has the place!

I had to laugh at this; it sounds exactly like a parent living with an adult child! Problem is that many here would think it acceptable (even normal) behaviour in someone of 24 but unacceptable in someone 40 years older! Double standards perhaps?

beer_tins

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I had to laugh at this; it sounds exactly like a parent living with an adult child! Problem is that many here would think it acceptable (even normal) behaviour in someone of 24 but unacceptable in someone 40 years older! Double standards perhaps?

I wouldn't. In both cases I would tell them to shape up or find somewhere else to live, family or not.

lady_stardust

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I had to laugh at this; it sounds exactly like a parent living with an adult child! Problem is that many here would think it acceptable (even normal) behaviour in someone of 24 but unacceptable in someone 40 years older! Double standards perhaps?

I agree - if a grown up offspring was behaving in this way, a lot of people on this forum would shoot them down in flames. They need to be pointed in the direction of financial help they can get, but this is not a time for them to be living beyond their means and booking holidays to the Caribbean while their son keeps bailing them out.

miserly_mum

lady_stardust wrote: »

I agree - if a grown up offspring was behaving in this way, a lot of people on this forum would shoot them down in flames. They need to be pointed in the direction of financial help they can get, but this is not a time for them to be living beyond their means and booking holidays to the Caribbean while their son keeps bailing them out.

If they can afford Foreign Cruises they can afford to pay the Mortgage

CB1979_2

it's all irrelevant, it's upto him, he's not spending "their" money, he's spending his.

if he wants to get mugged off now and when they snuff it (and have to share everything equally with siblings) then that's his shout.

only thing i'd consider doing would be to suggest he actually buys the house in his name (at a reduced rate) so then that takes out of any arguments when they die. if he's paying their mortgage and letting them live rent free, may as well do it officially and reap the rewards.

however you making a fuss over it, etc will probably only get his back up.

wallpapermate

hi CB1979
That's actually a really good idea. the thing is i dont want to seem like i'm poking my nose in, but it's my business when he makes it my business, and because i can see how damaging this scenario is for him (and because i know that this is a symptom of a deeper underlying problem, and is not the problem itself) i want to help him help himself, although i am fully aware that only he can make that decision in his own time.
your use of the phrase 'mugged-off' seems quite fitting... thanks for your suggestion though.

glossgal

Trouble is OP, if your OH has played the subservient role all his life it's going to be hard for him to suddenly start being assertive. His parents will know this hence the emotinal blackmail eg we'll lose the house etc. Im glad you agree that there's something more sinister beneath it all, was worrying the cynic in me had taken over!

As for him having the house (at least partially) in his name this would seem to me to be completely fair but from what you've said we're not dealing with very pleasant/rational people. I certainly wouldn't count on him being left anything in the will-is a story in the news today about a woman who spent her life working on her parents farm, devoted herself to it, bought a run down shack on site to live in on the understanding she would inherit it and take it over when they died etc...they did and have left everything to the RSPCA! I think she's appealing it

Writing a letter to him is a good idea, I really feel it's not in his or your best interests not to discuss this, he needs to know you respect him and have his interests at heart. More importantly I would say he needs to know you have too much self respect to come second to the wishes of his domineering reletives.