Boyfriend Supporting His Parents - is there any other way??

wallpapermate

hi all, really hope you can help me!
My boyfriend and i have been arguing over the past couple of days over money, not something i ever want to argue over.
His dad got ill with cancer a couple of years ago, and ever since hasnt been able to work. Prior to this, both my boyfriends parents lost their jobs and he paid their mortgage for three years, thus spending all the deposit that he'd saved up for his first house.
now having moved into his first house, it transpires that his dad is never going to work again and his mother is having trouble paying their bills etc. We started to argue because he now is going to pay £500 a month towards it (£6000 grand a year of his hard earned money).
Last weekend the whole of my boyfriends family and i went on holiday, which he paid for. The whole of the weekend all they did was bad-mouth him and go on about how much money he earns and how selfish he is. I dont see why he should be in the position where he has to pay to support his parents, as he has his own daughter to support and a mortgage, council tax and bills of his own to pay. I dont want to sound like the insensitive girlfriend, but this is going to cause a lot of bad feeling between us as i dont think he realises exactly how little his family think of him, despite all he does for them. I appreciate things must be difficult for his mum, but he fails to see the irony in the fact that in February, she went on holiday to the Carribean, and now he has to support them financially because if he doesnt they're 'going to lose the house'.
Is there no help that his mum could be getting from elsewhere? She's a very secretive person and sees it as a sign of weakness asking for help, but she doesnt mind taking off the very person that she puts down all the time!
I really need your advice because i am not prepared to have arguements with him over this. You might think it's none of my business, but it's putting a huge strain on our relationship and i need it sorted before it drives me mad!
would really appreciate some advice, especially if any of you have found yourself in a similar situation.
thanks

cheepskate_2

Hi
Sorry no advice , but you have one great guy there. Cant remember the old saying but it goes on about watch how the man treats his parents as this is how he will treat you.

No advice really but if he is not willing to give up the paying of the mortgage dont see anything you can do.
Phone CAB and they would be able to tell you based on any info you/ bf knows about their financies.

Dont know what age they are but if on I.S they would get interest paid on martgage

I would refrain from bad mouthing the parent s to him , as that will only make you look bad, even if it was true

nikaso

I can appreciate the fact that the mother went on holiday, looking after a cancer sufferer can be an exhausting exercise and its good for both carer and their charge to have respite breaks.

The bad-mouthing of your boyfriend is a bit off to say the least given the fact he seems to be anything but selfish. Perhaps its worth doing a budget with boyfriend just so he can see how much he does pay out etc? Maybe he doesn't realise?

hobo28

I agree with Cheepskate here.

This is a man worth keeping. At the end of the day he is paying because he wants to. As hard as it must be for you, this is none of your business and probably a good idea for you to bite your tongue on this subject.

wallpapermate

hi cheepskate,
you're right; my boyfriend is the most amazing person and i love him more than anything, he has such a good heart but i know how much pressure this is putting him under.he indicated yesterday that he'd be better off dead (which isnt going to be much help to his family, his daughter or me!). i havent said a bad word against his parents, as i know that's only going to make me look like i'm being difficult. i dont dislike his family at all, more their attitude towards him, especially as without his help i'm not sure what they'd do. i just feel bad for him because he feels this is all his responsibilty, and no effort has been made by anyone to see what else can be done. i am sure there must be some financial support for his parents out there, but i just need to know where to look! this isnt a situation i have encountered before (i dont know anyone else who would do for their parents what he does) and not being married i have no say over what he does with his money (i quite like our finances being separate) but this coupled with pressure from his ex-partner for more money for their daughter, increases in bills and depreciation of the value of his property is making him really anxious and i dont know how much longer this can carry on!!
thanks for understanding. i know i must sound like a total banshee but it's so hard watching someone you love being taken advantage of so blantanly, even when they're doing the right thing!
x

Flearoy

My mother-in-law was very sick with cancer and my wife had to support her a great deal, more practically than financially admittedly, but I can empathise with you regardless. As we had not been together very long at the time, it was hard for me to be away from my other half as she often had to stay at her mothers' home to help her and her little brother who still lived at home. Fortunately, my M-I-L was very appreciative of the help she received. If she had not been grateful, I think I would have grown to resent her (I know that sounds awful) for thanklessly taking my wife's time. Because I knew my wife was not being taken for granted, I was happy to help too, which if anything, brought my wife and I closer together.

Don't let anyone take the P155 though!

elona

Have they heard of the McMillan nurses who know a lot about the help available, both financially and practically?

Maybe suggest boyfriend contacts them as his parents need expert help in their situation?

tattoed_bum

i was in a similar situation a few years ago ,with my husbands parents they emigrated but got into a bad financial situation ,my husband was so worried about them that we remorgaged our home to help them .all they ever did was take .even when they came back my husband and i were still financing them to the point that we were just surviving .
i know its horrible to watch someone you love get taken advantage of .things came to a head with us when my dh had to have life saving surgery and we were told he may not recover properly enough to work again (he has now recovered fully thankfully).but at that time i went to the bank and cancelled all direct debits that were theirs .
it sounds awful but my instincts were to take all burdens from my dh to ease any stress .
all i can say is hold in there if he is anything like my dh he is a man not let go of .
but if it comes down to his health or there financial future always put his health first .

wallpapermate

The thing is that (thankfully) his dad is all clear of the cancer, however it has severly impacted upon his memory and this is why it is unlikely that he will ever be able to work again.he continues to drink and smoke (which is what made him ill in the first place) and as far as i can work out, has squandered the savings of my bfs parents joint account. i can totally understand what a frustrating situation this must be for all concerned...but no one is giving the family any support apart from my bf, and it part i think it's due to their pride and unwillingness to ask! the reason it is affecting our relationship is because the only person he ever has a go at is me, and he makes me feel like i am yet another burden in his life when all i try and do is help him. i wish i could do more but he wont let me pay anything towards the mortgage, although i do pay a quarter of the bills, and take responsibility for household shopping.
it saddens me that the people that deserve to be treated well in life are so often those that are taken advantage of, and although i have told him people will only treat you the way you allow them to, it's falling on deaf ears and i dont know what i can do to make him see that he shouldnt be shouldering this responsibilty himself. it's not what he's doing for them, but their attitude towards it that is making me really angry and sad

onlyroz

You talk about "his daughter" - is this your daughter too? And presumably you live together. If this is the case then I think it's perfectly fair for you to contribute towards the mortgage, and if he won't let you then you should probably insist. It would help to relieve a lot of his financial pressures.

As for the situtation with his parents - you can't really stop him from giving them money if you have separate finances, so you should try to detach yourself from *their* plight, and just try to do your best to support your own family.

bookduck

there is carers allowance and there is disability benefit, councill tax will be mostly paid for and I'm not sure if they will have to sell their house. You need a friendly advice person that knows the ropes. In the UK is is not the kids legal responsibility to look after the parents, but is the parents responsibly to look after the kids.

I would not recommend CAB or Age Concern for this if you live in Harrow, which you do not.

The only problem that I see is that
Once the parents depart is that all the family will want an equal share of the house, which is not fair on you partner. Also if his parents are taken into care, the council will sell the house and use the money to pay costs of the home, probably his portion too.