Boyfriend Supporting His Parents - is there any other way??

wallpapermate

hello everyone
thanks for all your responses.
last night i wrote the letter, and called him while he was still at work to see whether he had read it.
to cut a long story short, he had a massive go at me because i had owed him £30 quid for two days...i was in tears nearly all night.the only person that ever bears the brunt of anything is me. i was also promptly asked for the £7.50 it cost him to get the keys for my supposed new 'home' cut.i said i didnt see how it was remotely comparable, me owing him £30 and his mum taking £500 a month for the forseeable future.
i ripped the letter up because i couldnt bear any more arguements. now i regret it because i think most of what i said in the i didnt want him to read because i knew how much it would upset him i.e. why is it exactly that he is lumping me in with all the 'takers' in his life and personally, i wouldnt feel happy taking handouts from someone i openly disrespected.
i feel so lost and alone and totally bewildered as to what to do. if i bring the subject up again it's only going to cause another row, but he thinks that once he's said his piece it can all be forgotten about.
i'm 22 years old and this wasnt what i signed up for when i agreed to move in with who i thought was the man i wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
the house doesnt belong to me but i was under the impression that when you're in a relationship with someone you share things with one another. i have now been told that he wont be giving anyone anything; time, money, favours and then he doesnt share or have to expect anything back.
this is the man that i have booked a surprise holiday for his birthday. i am increasingly wondering whether there is any point in pursuing this as alarm bells are ringing if we're having arguements about this kind of thing already.

CB1979_2

I don't get it??

if he's happy giving them money, don't worry about it.

only anything ever needs to be said, if it affects your money situation.

ie you can't afford mortgage repayments cos he's paid his parents' first.

to be honest you sound like a rival sibling (kids moaning) "well they owe him £100s yet i only owe him £30"

it's irrelevant what they owe to your situation.

it's very simple, if you do talk to him about it, end with "if you don't want my advice, don't talk to me about being skint/them taking you for a mug/etc, as you don't like my opinion on it"

ps regarding "sharing things" yes quite right, just not potentially £000's of equity on someone who has moved in for 1 month and has previously been shafted by a former love of his.

pps how old is this fella?

Sarahjovi

It sounds like to me that your bf is treating you the way his parents treat him. Maybe he thinks this is love as its the only way he knows! He's demanding money from you the way his parents demand money from him!

Have a serious think about where you want to be in a few years... If this is the way it is now... how will it be a few years down the line...

Sarah:D

wallpapermate

CB1979 wrote: »

I don't get it??

if he's happy giving them money, don't worry about it.

only anything ever needs to be said, if it affects your money situation.

ie you can't afford mortgage repayments cos he's paid his parents' first.

to be honest you sound like a rival sibling (kids moaning) "well they owe him £100s yet i only owe him £30"

it's irrelevant what they owe to your situation.

it's very simple, if you do talk to him about it, end with "if you don't want my advice, don't talk to me about being skint/them taking you for a mug/etc, as you don't like my opinion on it"

ps regarding "sharing things" yes quite right, just not potentially £000's of equity on someone who has moved in for 1 month and has previously been shafted by a former love of his.

pps how old is this fella?

he's 33. i'm 22. i am his first girlfriend since the former partner (approx 9 years ago), who as far as i can work out never shafted him financially, but did move away with his daughter. hence reluctance to get married and have any more kids, even though he was prepared to do it once before. in fact it was all he ever wanted. now he's got that opportunity to be with someone who would never treat him badly and i just get everything thrown back in my face.

i dont want his money, or his house (which is in negative equity anyway....this is why i dont understand just how he can afford to pay out £500 additional a month). i just want him to respect himself and me.

CB1979_2

well you can't teach someone to respect themself, they can only do that if they want to (damn sound like an addict! lol).

sure tell him to respect you more, but i seriously wouldn't interfere with the parents thing, some people are just like that.

as i've said before on here, i used to get moaned to by my parents about my sister owing money, ended up them rowing with me cos i was giving advice and telling them they were making it worse by keep lending her money.

they didn't like what i was saying, so argued with me and not her.

it pretty much ended when i told them not to talk to me about her & money, as i'll never agree with them about it.

since then if ever they say anything to me (which is very rare now) i tell them it has nothing to do with me so don't talk to me about it.

as i've said as long as it's not interfering with your financial situation, then don't bother mentioning it.

just be ready waiting with the "I told you so" look, when he eventuallly starts struggling

miserly_mum

Write him a cheque for the £37.50 and ask him for a receipt. While you're at it tell him you want a rent book.

Then start buying your own food and putting little stickers on your stuff in the fridge (like in a student house)

If he wants to treat you like a lodger rather than a Partner then play him at his own game.

kunekune

"As a bloke, I see is as their finances are arranged to protect her. "

Sorry, they don't protect her at all. As the most recent posts indicate, she did actually think it was 'their' house. It is in his name but OP thought that since they were a couple, that she had some rights. The law is more complicated than that. Basically, he has the legal title. She might have an interest 'in equity' if there is a constructive trust. This requires a COMMON intention that the ownership will be shared at the time when the house was purchased. If she has paid the mortgage (and she has been told not to) that will establish the common intention. So, it would come down to other evidence. I suspect, quite strongly, that OP thought there was a common intention, that OP's DP knew she thought there was, but had no intent to share at all, and has done his best to make sure that she does not get a penny. Given that contributions to food bills are not the same as contributions to the mortgage, this is quite possibly going to work.

OP: I am sorry that it is all so awful at the moment. But, please trust me (yes, I do know what I'm talking about, although this is not to be construed as legal advice). The current arrangements are not in your best interests. Maybe if it all goes pear-shaped and you take legal action, you might get something. But it would take money and determination, and the result can't be guaranteed. Think about this. If your OH says that this is HIS house, and you have no shared finances, is that what you want? If it isn't, then take steps to protect yourself. You are investing money and emotional energy in something that might not be what you think. Make sure, at the very least, that you know what your position is.

Stephb1986_2

im about to swing for my OH, his sister is 26 with 3 kids my OH has no kids and he's 25, last week it was her 4 year olds birthday his sister told him that she wanted a sand pit and a slide so he gets her one. this week its her 8 year olds birthday and she told him that he wants a £40 xbox360 game. for her 7 year olds birthday about 2 months ago he was told she wanted a dslite and for her birthday she wanted £25 new look voucher.

all very well and good but when it comes to his birthday she just gives him £10 in a card. Im fuming that he just bows down and pays out all this money for kids presents!!

I know its his money and everything but now as it becomes more of a serious relationship i dont want my money being splashed on 3 kids i dont even like they are animals! or her as i dont really like her either. I have quite a bit of money (more than he does) so him spending wildly on her kids has a effect on me as when we go out i'll probably have to pay.

My OH also works nights but the company he works for is going bust and there are going to be some redundanies he has had to have his overtime cut now so he is losing £100 a week which is a big difference.

Im so mad i dont know what to do

Steph xx

CB1979_2

@ stephb - well perhaps he wants to be able to pay for stuff as he's more fortunate than them??

I bought my sister (4 years older than me) & bro-in-law (6 years older than me) and her 4 kids, a 32" LCD HD TV, some PS2 games, DS Games, Music & dvds for all of them at xmas probably spent about £500.

I got £20 back, however they have sod all money and all the prezzies i bought was mainly for the kids as they go without quite alot, i have approx £1500 pcm spare each month, so didn't see it as a problem.

@ kunekune - maybe good advice, however is very hypocritical of what is normally posted on here, and if she was the one with the house everyone would be saying to protect her interests and not let him pay towards the mortgage.

Loretta

miserly_mum wrote: »

Write him a cheque for the £37.50 and ask him for a receipt. While you're at it tell him you want a rent book.

Then start buying your own food and putting little stickers on your stuff in the fridge (like in a student house)

If he wants to treat you like a lodger rather than a Partner then play him at his own game.

and of course what is the going rate for 'other services', he should be paying for that too if you are going to be the lodger!