Boyfriend Supporting His Parents - is there any other way??

wallpapermate

onlyroz
we are not married, but do live together (officially only as of last month,have been together for 2.5 years), and he has a little girl from a previous relationship.i have insisted about paying some of the mortgage but he wont have it. i dont want to not contribute, so am saving £300 in an account that is for both of us to use in future if it's needed (he doesnt know about this as will only take offence and doesnt like 'sharing' money)
the theory is that i am saving for our future, but he doesnt want to get married or have more children (he is 10 years older than me) ostensibly because he cant afford it and wont take the risk of sharing his finances (!)...that's another subject entirely.
i resent being bundled into the 'takes advantage of him' category, and whenever i offer to give him any money he says no because he doesnt want it thrown back in his face.
The only reason this is a problem for me is because i can see how much it is hurting him, being used for his money, yet that conflicts with the emotional obligation he feels towards his family (which i can empathise with) but when it gets too much for him he takes it out on me.

wallpapermate

bookduck
he has said that he's only doin this on the proviso that he gets the lions share when they pass on, however i know that this is not going to be the case.

Kimitatsu

Wallpapermate - I can see how much you love this guy by the way that you write, but have you told him how worried you are about him?

It seems to me that he is trying to be all things to all men and he cannot sustain that level of giving in the long term. There comes a point where not everything can be solved by throwing money at it, and whilst I appreciate he wants to do the best by his parents, maybe he can start to look at other areas where they can be supported by the benefits system or social services. or by his local health team.

I realise that it is hard to see him do that, but you are doing the right thing in putting a pot of money to one side in case you two need it, rather than just putting it all in the general mellee!

Why dont you speak to your local CAB and get some leaflets, most of them have access to a welfare benefits caseworker as well which his parents should be able to get free advice from too. There is nothing to stop your bf contributing something as well on an ad hoc basis if he wants to, but from what you have said my worry is that he is going to implode with the stress.

Get some leaflets and give them to him at a good time so he can see what could be available to them.

bookduck

wallpapermate wrote: »

...(he is 10 years older than me) ..

Oi, ageist git! An old fiddle still plays a wicked tune, that is what I keep telling wimmin!
I hope he has all the paperwork, and the agreement all in writing, rather than verbal.. Money, and the evnvy of it can do amazing hurtful things to families especially in times of grief.

People tend not to suddenly 'pass on'. Often these days there is hospital, care homes and selling of assets.

CB1979_2

his parents, his money, his choice

miserly_mum

Maybe i'll be shot down in flames here but........if I was the OP i'd be having real doubts about my future with this man( personally i'd be running a mile)

Why would you want to be with a man who deep down thinks you are one of the many taking advantage of his good nature. Sounds to me like he won't accept any money towards HIS mortgage as he thinks you won't have a claim on HIS house if you should split up in the future.

He has made it plain he won't marry you and HE has decided you won't be having any children because HE doesn't want any more. You keep making him out to be soft and easily taken adavantage of........obviously by everyone but you.

You say you have no say over his finances because you aren't married. Neither are my OH and I but we discuss and share everything because everything we earn,spend or save reflects on our and our childrens future.

Where do you see yourself 10 years from now? He doesn't listen to any advice you give or accept any help you offer. He'll probably still be bailing out his parents and you'll still be nothing more than a glorified lodger (with priviledges) because he doesn't love or trust you enough to REALLY commit to you.

There is financial help out there for his parents. If they can't be bothered to find it then thats their problem. He maybe naively thinks that him paying their mortgage now will be a financial investment for the future. Not so if theres nothing on paper and it needs to be sold to pay for care homes in a few years.

You sound like a caring loving person and you obviously love this man very much but honestly.........what are you getting from this relationship.

Do you want to give up the chance of marriage and a family for a man who doesn't share either his feelings or his finances with you and who will go running every time his parents want him to help them out ad infinitum?

Paparika

wallpapermate This may sound a bit harsh but, i hope to god none of your family get ill and can no longer work.

Cancer isn't a bit fat spot on the end of your nose that will clear up in a few days, people can die from it.

I've lost 2 very close family members to it in the space of 6 months, and if i could of supported them financially when they were still here then i bloody well would.

You have a very special man there that takes care of his loved ones. One day it might be you that needs to be financially dependent, for being ill.

Being as poor as I have been, i gave up on material things a long time ago and am just grateful that i only have 2 immune diseases but still manage to work and raise my child single handedly.

So you can't own your own home together for a while....is it really that important right now.

elona

Paparika

The way I read it the father had recovered from cancer.

He is still smoking and drinking and is not taking any responsibility for his health or finances and is treating the person he has burdened with his responsibilities like dirt!

To be honest, I think the boyfriend supporting his parents is not the main problem here. It is the fact that he will consider everyone but her.

She is in a "catch 22" situation as he will not allow her to pay for anything in case she has a claim on his home but then casts it up to her that she is a taker!

glossgal

Paparika, what you've said is deeply unfair-why should any adult child *have* to support their parents endlessly without thanks to boot? If the roles were reversed would we be encouraging a parent to support their adult child without question, forever? There is such a thing as personal responsibility and we all have a duty to demonstrate it the best we can, ill or not. I feel OP's man is being taken advantage of in a very cruel way, to me it's a form of emotional blackmail. The worst thing is there will be benefits and financial support available to the parents and if they are older their mortgage is probably very low anyway. I just don't buy that they'd be destituute?

OP, I think you are right to be concerned and it doesnt make you a bad person at all. Its easy to say 'they're his parents so don't get involved' but when you're a couple it doesn't work that way. On a much smaller level, I have some experience of this type of thing with my OH's mother who despite being largely out of his life would ring asking for money (even when OH was out of work!). Despite being- imho -a terrible parent, OH would dutifully go and hand over the money. I bit my tongue for a while but couldn't bear to see my OH-a kind hearted lovely guy-treated this way and finally started to go mad if she called and made it really clear what I thought. OH now ignores her demands (as far as I know!) and we don't argue about it.

I have to agree though that you might want to assess the relationship, your OH seems to have issues generally around this, maybe he's hoping to buy their affection as he senses how little they think of him? It's pretty screwed up but this money thing might be just the tip of a very morbid iceburg!

miserly_mum

Paparika wrote: »

wallpapermate This may sound a bit harsh but, i hope to god none of your family get ill and can no longer work.

Cancer isn't a bit fat spot on the end of your nose that will clear up in a few days, people can die from it.

I've lost 2 very close family members to it in the space of 6 months, and if i could of supported them financially when they were still here then i bloody well would.

You have a very special man there that takes care of his loved ones. One day it might be you that needs to be financially dependent, for being ill.

Being as poor as I have been, i gave up on material things a long time ago and am just grateful that i only have 2 immune diseases but still manage to work and raise my child single handedly.

So you can't own your own home together for a while....is it really that important right now.

I lost my Mother to cancer 5 years ago and nursed her at home until 2 days before she died. So I know what its like to have a sick parent who needs help and care.

I also know there is financial help out there for sufferers and their carers.

These benefits and allowances are there to make a cancer sufferer and their families lives easier. After all they have enough worries at a time like that without money worries aswell.

The sad part is that my Mother struggled all her life financially. Then she got Cancer and had all this money coming in each week but didn't have the health to enjoy spending it.

But she would have hated asking me for money even though i'd have helped her out if I could have. But like everyone else with a family and a house to run that wouldn't have been possible a lot of the time.