Relationship breakdown

Fidget21

gerturdeanna

I read this this on my updates this morning and saved it for later while I had chance to mull it over.

My instinct would be to keep quiet about it at the moment and see how things play out.

Part of rebuilding your relationship is about trust, so it might not be the best time for that to be called into question. He is going to relate with you and I can't help thinking that if he was disinterested he wouldn't bother. And as he says it would be an easy way out if he was with someone else.

As far as this other girl is concerned...he definately wasn't seeing her 10 months ago?? If not then it could just be that she is showing interest and he is flattered. Kind of an ego boost for him, but a bit of a nightmare for you. I would wait a bit and see if any contact becomes more obvious and open so it can be addressed openly, rather than admit to checking his messages on his phone.

Hope this helps a bit...?

gerturdeanna

Thats exactly what I thought I would do - but it just helps to have someone else say the same thing - he defo wasn't seeing her then and I'm very sure he's not seeing her or anyone else now. I have asked him previously about his exessive use of his phone and he says its his boss/friend who he has been talking to about our situation. I can understand that cos obv I'm talking about it with peps aswell!! ie. You lot!!!!
He did say in Relate last night that he was there because he wanted to try and save the relationship - but he just seems so pessimistic about it all - stating all the time that its not going to work etc etc - everytime we try talking about it, we go round and round in circles. The lady from Relate did say that she though it was saveable just from or body language towards each other etc, which sounds promising and last night we actually had a hug!! For the first time in about 6 weeks!!
We both know its going to be a long, slow, and painful process but it needs to be done!!

Marker_2

gerturdeanna wrote: »

Do I ask him about these messages and the phone calls on the phone bill - or do I trust him and take his word for it?

From what you have said, my heart is saying it doesnt sound good. Is your OH aware about these rumours she was spreading before, if so then he is either really stupid and dont know what it will look like to you, or he is having an affair.

If you can get his phone without him knowing, maybe when hes gone to sleep or something and try maybe ring this girl and bluff her?

Or ask him outright, if your gut is telling you he's lieing then you have to decide whether you want to live with that niggling feeling or just let it go with maybes!xx

gerturdeanna

Well turns out everyones suspicions were correct - he has been seeing this other girl for two weeks and has kissed her twice, so he says but he lied about kissing her so who knows - he went out last night and he was caught kissing her by an ex of my sisters who he works with and he told me and her.
I've told him he has until tomorrow pm to decide if he wants to stay with us or he is gone.

Skippycat

gerturdeanna wrote: »

Well turns out everyones suspicions were correct - he has been seeing this other girl for two weeks and has kissed her twice, so he says but he lied about kissing her so who knows - he went out last night and he was caught kissing her by an ex of my sisters who he works with and he told me and her.
I've told him he has until tomorrow pm to decide if he wants to stay with us or he is gone.

I'm so sorry to hear that gerturdeanna. At least you know the truth now though (hugs) x

Pssst

gerturdeanna wrote: »

Well turns out everyones suspicions were correct - he has been seeing this other girl for two weeks and has kissed her twice, so he says but he lied about kissing her so who knows - he went out last night and he was caught kissing her by an ex of my sisters who he works with and he told me and her.
I've told him he has until tomorrow pm to decide if he wants to stay with us or he is gone.

Hi Ga............well at least you are getting to the truth now.

The important thing is that you need to think about how you feel and where you stand in all this.

You are allowed to hav some say as to what sort of life you want and what your paramters of acceptablity are with regard to people whom you have relationships with.

You need to be specific and clear.

As a man,I will stick my neck out and say that if he admits to seeing her for two weeks and has kissed her several times, I would say he has probably also been intimate with her.

He may never admit it because he doesnt want to hurt you. After all,you both were once in love and very special to one another. There was once a first ime for you both.

Whilst he may wll have cheated on you,nothing comes that easy and he will feel a tremendous wieght of guilt and responsibility.

That isnt your problem. You need to be specific about what you want and you need to have a conversation with him.

You may well end up actually giving him permission to leave,or order him to leave.

But dont forget..it could also be a new beginning for you also.

tangochick

Hi, sorry to hear that he is seeing someone else. However, a couple of kisses & only a couple of weeks isnt worth splitting up over.

I've read all your posts & hopefully the relationship will work out, but if not, it shouldnt be becos of some slapper at his work!
If things between you arent going well, he's probably just having a meaningless flirt, to boost his ego.

I'm having an awful time with my hubby & seem in similar boat to you, have been for months & years, kids are similar age to yours so trying to hang on in there, but we dont seem to do anything together anymore, including talking or sleeping together.
I think he's depressed too, trying to get him to go to docs.
I think the only reason i'm still with him is becos i dont think i could cope with being a single parent.
Cant afford Relate cos big debts- tho its interesting that maybe we dont have to pay the £45 /hour.
good luck!

gerturdeanna

Pssst wrote: »

You are allowed to hav some say as to what sort of life you want and what your paramters of acceptablity are with regard to people whom you have relationships with.

You need to be specific and clear.

As a man,I will stick my neck out and say that if he admits to seeing her for two weeks and has kissed her several times, I would say he has probably also been intimate with her.

He may never admit it because he doesnt want to hurt you. After all,you both were once in love and very special to one another. There was once a first ime for you both.

Whilst he may wll have cheated on you,nothing comes that easy and he will feel a tremendous wieght of guilt and responsibility.

That isnt your problem. You need to be specific about what you want and you need to have a conversation with him.

You may well end up actually giving him permission to leave,or order him to leave.

But dont forget..it could also be a new beginning for you also.

I feel hurt, very hurt and very very angry!! How dare he!!!
He says that she listens to him - well yeah cos she's well-known for being a slapper - she's getting married in 3 weeks and has already been with 3 other men from their work!! She still works for the same company although now in a different department and Sat night was her 'leaving do'. I didn't want him to go cos I had a feeling something was going on but I 'let him' go anyway - more fool me.
He says the problem isn't really with me - the ole 'Its not you, its me' baloney!!
He was working last night and me and the kids are out all day today so he has until tonight to decide if he stays with us and works on sorting himself - counselling? and us -relate - out or he packs his bags and goes.
At least now we had come to a T-Junction rather than crossroads if that makes sense.
If I end up on my own, I'll be fine - got a great support system of friends and family and I'll make a beeter life for myself and my kids. If he stays, then things changed drastically.

Thanks everyone

Marker_2

I’m really sorry to hear your suspicions were correct. Let him have till PM to decide what he wants, but please make sure you do the same, if he wants to come back then make sure you want to take him back. The ball is in your court, not his.
Please let us know what the outcome is tonight, if ever you need to talk please feel free to PM me.x

Fidget21

Ooh, I could punch him on the nose and kick him in the shin myself!!! I'm really sorry Gerturdeanna that your suspicions were correct.

I do find my self agreeing though that it's not you, it's him who has the problem. He has really set things back hasn't he.

I still can't help thinking that it's more about the ego boost than anything else. It's certainly not about anything long term if she's getting married in a few weeks (I feel sorry for the poor sap she's marrying!). Maybe she was looking for one last fling (or 3) and your hubs liked the interest he was getting, it made him feel good about himself.

I think it's time to be quite tough with him. Don't make things too easy for him, as Tangochick said it still isn't worth throwing things away over a few kisses with a slapper from his work so if the decision is to be made for the two of you not to be together anymore, make him make it. However, if he decides to stay then he has to seek help for his own issues and definately continue with relate to rebuild things between you.

This can be overcome, but he has to realise that it can't be done without a lot of effort on his part. He may see finishing things as the easy way out, but it is up to you to emphasis what he is losing if this is what he chooses.

In the meantime, have a glass of wine and a big hug from me.