Relationship breakdown

bookduck

gerturdeanna wrote: »

... So the only conclusion I can draw from that, is that he really doesn't love me anymore.

Er, this is not always necessarily the case. Us blokes generally lack communication skill and he may see this as the only way out of the problem.

We had a good talk last night and decided the really the only option is to make a break for the time being. And prsonally I do think its better now rather than later where it may turn into hate. ...

Fear stress often does this to us blokes and we do not know which way to turn and can't communicate - hard rock, tight place and in quicksand.

Sometime if we try and communicate we end up being nagged . It is hard, and there is a fine line between a calm, empathizing, offering suggestion and support, and being a bunny boiler, especially when you have a vested interest.

You have not mentioned another woman, so there is no one else involved. If the spark has gone out of his life and all is grey, he could try a natural remedy sold in Tescos, markets etc called St John's Wort ( the brand kwi?, kewi?? or something with a k worked well for me). It took over a month to work, but for me it made a huge difference and put the sunshine back in my life.

gerturdeanna

The bedroom stuff is down to me I'm afraid. He's quite happy to do it anywhere, anyhow etc etc. Its me who pulls away due to me being overwieght and not liking myself.
I don't think there is anyone else - not for me anyway. Although he does keep his mobile with him everywhere!!

gerturdeanna

So off to Relate tonight. I was excited yesterday and now I'm very nervous!!
pne of his friends went years ago when his marriage was breaking up - they are completly split now - and he said that the counsellor humilated him so much and made him feel soo small. So I'm really nervous now - anybody been? Know what they do?

ameliarate

Never been to relate but from the people I have spoken to that have I would say that the ones for whom it doesn't work are the ones who absolutely refuse to accept any responsibility for problems in the relationship (my sister's ex husband for one - long story won't bore you).
Give it a go with an open mind and honesty - good luck.
Incidentally reading your comment about not liking your body, show me a woman who does - if your husband is wanting to make love to you obviously he likes it. Remember that when you are feeling uncomfortable, keep telling yourself that he finds you sexy it may help you to feel sexy.

bookduck

gerturdeanna wrote: »

The bedroom stuff is down to me I'm afraid. He's quite happy to do it anywhere, anyhow etc etc. Its me who pulls away due to me being overwieght and not liking myself.

Perhaps you are depressed? St John's Wort does wonders!

Fidget21

gerturdeanna, I hope your first session at relate went well?

I read your post and can sympathise with you so much. My hubby and I have been together 10 years and are going through a bit of a tough patch. Sometimes I think it would be easier to be apart than to be together but I love him dearly and think it would be like cutting off my right arm as he is my best friend. However my love for him now is different than the 'in love' I felt 10 years ago.

I wanted to agree with ameliarate regarding your feelings about your body...I understand how you feel as I have gained 5 stone since I met my husband. However, he still seems to find me attractive (it is only my own insecurities that make me wonder why!) and by keeping that side of our relationship going it has kept the spark and feeling of intimacy going. I think this is really important in your feelings for your husband and to the future of your relationship and would have to say that you need to try and put aside your feelings about your body and go for it girl!!!!!!

I hope it all works out, will keep my eyes peeled for your posts.

gerturdeanna

Well, we went to Relate - don't really know what I was expecting nor did OH.
OH still says he can't see this working - but I'm going to give it a really good bash Some issues were raised tonight, ie. The not making love enough and the pushing away mentally and physically(not violence!!), the fact that we don't do things as a family and the fact that I spend too much time on the computer.OH says he can't do any touch feely stuff as it feels like he's touching a stranger. We've now made a consious decision to do more things together both alone as a couple and as a family. We've agreed to go to more sessions at Relate, just got to wait for the waiting list now!!
So here's to giving 110% into saving my marriage!!

Hawthorn

Good for you! I wish you well

Fidget21

I think it's a case of taking baby steps now to rebuild things between you, it won't happen overnight but you're definately moving in the right direction and with the right attitude.

I wish you well. xx

gerturdeanna

We've got our first proper session with Relate next wednesday!!!