struggling to get husband on board.

The_fog_has_lifted · 18 May 2014 at 9:55AM

Ok im really struggling to stick to out budget.
After going it alone for 2 months and giving hubby a strick budget I realised it wasn't working. (he just bought £50 worth of clothes and pens :-().
I applied to get help from cap and they have set us a really strict budget, however there are 2 problems
1. they wont take into account that we pay £180 per month for the kids to got to nursery, but this is not an option. He will not look after them for 5 full days per week so I need the 2 days at nursery to be able to go to work. (yes I know its ridiculous that they have 2 days at nursery when he is at home full time but he wont have them for those 2 days).
2. hubby will not stick to the budget. He keeps asking for extra money and then causing a argument when I say no because its not I the CAP budget. I was embarrised this week when the 2 CAP reps came over and he was bragging about how much he spends on jeans/ stuff.

I just don't think its going to work no matter what I do. He will always want to spend more and more and Im struggling to pay everything off.

The other problem is that CAP want to take BOTH our debts into account and pay off the joint debt. this means its extended my DFDay to 3 years time instead of 14 months.

I don't really know what to do, any advice will be well received as I just getting so low thinking about it all.

CAP have advised us to pay £770 per month into the CAP account, its a lot of money and most of it will be clearing HIS debt. I don't want to be doing that and for him to be spending our money that is budgeted for groceries/school/petrol for work etc.
we have been given an amount of £60 per month for entertainment/social fun etc, trouble is he wants £10 per week for himself and that just leaves £30 for me and the kids, we pay £25 per month for the kids sponsored child and therefor we have just £5 for the month for fun! hardly a great amount.

sorry for the huge ramble, im just so so sad
foggy.x

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whitewing · 18 May 2014 at 10:03AM

How old are the children?

Does DH (hubby) work? If he does, then I can understand why he may not want to have the children in his time off.

Maybe it would be better not to sponsor a child at the moment. With young children and a stretched budget, I found it easier to bless others by different means, eg donating things to charity shops.

19lottie82 · 18 May 2014 at 10:09AM

What do you mean he won't take the kids on his days off and you have to pay for a nursery? I think you need to toughen up here, sorry.

Get up, get yourself ready for work, and leave (him in the house with the kids). Simple.

If he's not about, phone his mum / sister / and explain that he's vanished, can they look after the kids until he returns, then text him and say he needs to collect them asap and his sister / mum is mighty peed off.

He'll soon learn.

Seanymph · 18 May 2014 at 10:35AM

You say it's ridiculous that he won't look after HIS children but wants you to pay someone to do it.

you're right.

What will you do?

Well, I expect that eventually you'll wise up that this man is not working as a team, take control of your own future, and go it alone with the kids.

The timescale is up to you.

Monkeyballs · 18 May 2014 at 10:47AM

Hi Foggy,

I just read your post and was worried on a number of levels so I have skimmed your diary and have a bit more of an understanding now...

I think Lottie has the right idea, don't give your husband the option of not having the kids and try to involve his family more.

In reality, he needs to play ball or you will never see any improvement in your situation as he will sabotage it - as yourself this, why would a grown man brag about the cost of anything to a couple of representatives from a debt charity? It sounds like a bit of a recipe for disaster to me!

Can I ask what your husband does all day? If he is unemployed then this could be what leads him to spend - boredom. It could be that more responsibility is what he needs, a marriage is a mutual agreement not a contract for you to look after him.

I don't want to sound harsh but I don't think it's fair for you to get worked up and stressed while he does little more than make the situation worse

MB

comeandgo · 18 May 2014 at 11:53AM

Hi I remember your previous posts. I remember you were heavily involved with your church. Could some of your elders or equivalent talk to your husband and explain the final outcome if his spending is not curbed as he does not seem to be listening to you. As others have stated, why does he feel that watching the children for 3 days a week is adequate ?
I can imagine going it alone with six children and another on the way is not what you want to do.

solvencyseeker · 18 May 2014 at 12:07PM

You are not alone. Just had an almighty row with my OH (well I did a lot of yelling and crying), he is still ostriching, expects me to deal with it all and even complained yesterday about the amount of time I am spending on the PC! I am doing our budget, looking for advice, trying to sell things and constantly worrying about money.

The yelling fit did have some effect - he is going to do some ebaying and actually look at our spreadsheet with me. Maybe I'll get hime to do the SOA that needs redoing (I haven't forgotten BedsitBob!)

He also isn't going out to get some arborio rice (that's what set me off) to go with the liver I dug out of the bottom of the freezer - he is going to use some ordinary rice from the store cupboard!

Sorry to post a rant on your thread but I thought it might help you to know that you are not the only one banging your head against a brick wall.

Don't give up, or give in. Best wishes.

dubs57 · 18 May 2014 at 12:46PM

It is possible to set up a DMP just for your own individual debts, you don't have to include his if you are worried that you are only paying back his debts and not your own. Don't know if this would help but it seems like you have enough to worry about without having to sort out a grown man who won't help you.

BigAunty · 18 May 2014 at 1:00PM

You've pitched this as a debt related issue which is unsurprising as your main priority is tackling the debt which is being actively sabotaged by your partner.

However, the scenario you post appears in the Relationship section of this forum on a virtually weekly basis by new posters.

Quite regularly, there appears a new post by a new poster which is virtually identical to the last. It goes like this

A mother is facing up to debts largely racked up by their un or under employed partner who spends most of their disposable income and their time on themselves, refuses to recognise that there are any issues and therefore not willing to change.

Quite often, their partner blames the issue on the woman and when they reach the end of their tether and make plans to end the selfish and disrespectful relationship, the man makes promises to change or applies negative pressure to try to get their Meal Ticket to change their mind. Meal Ticket gives them another chance or two, which is subsequently blown.

Go to the relationship forum and find these posts.They are sometimes complicated by emotional abuse or infidelity but mainly they are crushingly quite mundane tales of financial exploitation, embedded expectations by the spendthrift that they are entitled to spend the household money on themselves, putting their lifestyle and interests first.

Almost-free · 18 May 2014 at 1:02PM

I am trying to work towards a divorce at the moment, and the solicitor has informed me that I can't only look at the debt I have been paying off in the. 5 years we have been apart ( I have just £1,500 left put of £24,678 of debt!). Apparently upon divorce not only assets are split, but debt as well. So the £35,000 plus debt he has been increasing and sitting on all these years will also come out of the equity if we sell our house.

I am a Christian and prevaricated for years over us not splitting up, our Church elders frequently begged me to 'stick it out' and it would come right in the end. When you are living with an immature, irresponsible idiot, however, I have now concluded that the good Lord would not want me and my kids to deal with the nonsense indefinitely . I only wish I had come to this conclusion 5 years ago!i am certainly ever grateful that I said no to any more children!

Get some counselling on your own about this. Then Have joint counselling if you wish. This situation will not improve until/if ever your husband can look at things with a mature unselfish eye. Money issues are one of the biggest causes of divorce- and you and I understand why!

Jenniefour · 18 May 2014 at 1:21PM

Foggy,

I'm right behind you on this. You're doing great. You're a thinker and a problem solver.The problem is your husbands sense of responsibility seems not to include you and the children at times. He doesn't understand the impact of his behaviour on you either. You need to start getting more assertive and a lot tougher.

The_fog_has_lifted wrote: »

After going it alone for 2 months and giving hubby a strick budget I realised it wasn't working. (he just bought £50 worth of clothes and pens :-().

Did you sit down together and agree this budget between you? If not, do that immediately so he sees the facts in front of him. Ask him if he agrees that the budget is fair and effective, ask him if he has any other suggestions which would help. Ask him if he is willing to stay with the budget. Ask him if he agrees that there are often times in life where you can't have what you want and you have to be willing to make sacrifices to protect the longer term future. Ask him if he agrees that the purpose of the budget is to have sufficient money for family essentials and to pay off the debts.

1. they wont take into account that we pay £180 per month for the kids to got to nursery, but this is not an option. He will not look after them for 5 full days per week so I need the 2 days at nursery to be able to go to work. (yes I know its ridiculous that they have 2 days at nursery when he is at home full time but he wont have them for those 2 days).

There is no reason they would take this into account when they know there's a parent at home. As others have suggested leave the children at home with him and let him get on with it. If he complains tell him calmly (and keep repeating equally calmly, if needed) "I need you to share the responsibilities with me, and that includes looking after the children five days a week".

2. hubby will not stick to the budget. He keeps asking for extra money and then causing a argument when I say no because its not I the CAP budget.

Stop saying the word "no". When he asks for money just ask him "Where in our budget is the allowance for that?". You need to get this man thinking and stop doing all his thinking for him. He asks a question, you answer then he can blame you. Its called shifting responsibility. He puts you in a position where you make all the important decisions about money. That is not the behaviour of a fully functioning adult.

Start asking questions (calmly) where he has to think for himself. And keep asking. Keep putting it back to him. Eg "you're asking me for money you know we don't have. What would you say in my shoes?". "We have agreed a budget together, have you changed your mind about honouring that agreement?". Put things to him - "I need you to take your equal share of responsibility here so we pay down the debt. How are you going to do your share?", "I need you to be working willingly with me on all this, what are you willing to do?".

I just don't think its going to work no matter what I do. He will always want to spend more and more and Im struggling to pay everything off.

Foggy, it might work - if you stop taking all the responsibility - put it back to him. Every single time. Tiring, I know, but I think it's the only way of getting him to think and start shouldering his share of the work.

Some counselling for you, as has been suggested, might help you. At the end of the day you need to have in mind that this relationship may not work out - and stop being scared of that scenario.

Wishing you well

struggling to get husband on board.

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